as slaps unfold alien to a lovers dorm.
And then pain like lightening and tears flowing like thunderous rain..!!
sniffing...sobbing... the sounds of a bleeding heart
that's plagued a child of eleven.
A loss of innocence that to her makes no sense how she became an adult in just 5minutes......''
Trevor guards me like a bull. The whole week has been about punishment. I cannot being even think properly because I am always in pain. Each time I feel like going outside to play, I cannot because I am hurt down there. Mama keeps looking at me like she is worried so I better be on my best behaviour because if she starts asking questions again, Trevor is going to punish me for my sins.
Gosh I cannot wait for school to start again so i can be back with my friends. Janet has left me all alone. She has a place to go. Her mums place. She promised to keep quiet because she does not want her mum to be hurt either. Trevor says he is the pastors son and so has a lot of power to discipline naughty children.
I put my Chitenge on and go to the kitchen to help mama at least when I am by her side I kind of feel safe. Now that mama has been spending a lot of time at home, Trevor does not hurt me in the house, but when he catches me playing outside with my friends, he grabs me and tells me it is time to bath. He takes me to the servants quarters and he disciplines me...for playing. Why does he think playing is so bad when Mama says I must play with my friends. 'All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!' she says even though I don't have a clue who Jack is.
'Mwana wangu there you are! Here take this lemonade to the sitting room. The guests are here and you know what you have to do don't you? Kneel down when putting it down OK? You should not bend over in front of people it is bad manners.' I smile wryly and take the tray through to the sitting room. There are about six adults in the living room and Trevor is standing at the front because he is going to do the preaching. I place tray on the table as instructed then dash off back to the kitchen as fast as I could.
'Shekinah, you are not looking too well baby. You are too quiet! Are you feeling OK?'
'Yes Mama. I am fine, I say tucking a hair behind my ear.'
'Well your cousin Queen is coming today so you and her can go to the bible camp for the holidays. It is for two weeks and I think you will have a lot of fun'.
'Mama, that is awesome. Can I go tonight?' I say beaming. I think this way I can run away from Trevor. I can be free and perhaps I don't even have to come back here.
'Of course not. You will be leaving with Trevor tomorrow morning around ten when Queen comes'.
'Mama No!!!!! I am not going with....'
'What do you mean you are not going? Just a few minutes ago you could not wait to leave!'
I look at the ground and try to hold the tears back. Why can't I just run away? I cannot escape Trevor.
'Shey baby, tell me what is going on? You have been acting strange for a week now!' Mama says turning away from the pile of dishes that are demanding her attention. When I don't answer she shakes her head and takes a deep breath. 'Shey, are you bleeding? On your peepee?' I am shocked by this question and instantly raise my head to look at her. The look of horror on my face is enough to win me a grammy. I am genuinely disgusted not only at the reference to the blood but the mere though of my peepee makes me sick. I grab a ripe mango from the bowl on the table and violently take a bite into it splashing all the innocent juice on my top.
'Well it is just that Bana Kulu Themba seems to think that maybe you are a woman now. You see baby, if you are bleeding there, you need to tell me so that I can teach you how to take care of it.' Mama is now kneeling down beside me and trying to make contact with my eyes. I shy away because I don't have a clue what she is talking about and from the way Clara carries on, I do not want to be a woman. I want to keep playing rounders and eagle and climbing trees all of which Clara is not aloowed to do. 'Is that why you have been walking funny baby?' Mama asks again a look of concern furrows her forehead.
'No mummy. I am not bleeding. I don't know why you think I am but I am not. Please can I go and watch Shera at Thandies place since people are in our sitting room?' Mama strokes stands up and ties my hair back. It has been growing back really fast and it makes mama happy to tie it back in a puff so I let her. We both know as soon as I get to Thandies I will just pull the ribbon out.
'OK baby. If you want to stay over you best pack a bag but be here early to go to camp OK?
'I don't want to go if Trevor is going.'
'Shey baby, why are hating Trevor again? He is a nice boy and will teach you well. Don't you want to go to heaven?' Mama asks seriously.
'Mama, who is the baby in the album? Trevor says that it is not Chisanga. Do I have another brother?'
'Of course not sweetheart. Don Chi is your only brother OK. Now get ready before you miss Shera. Here take some fritters if you want'. I hope down from my chair and decide to hurry off to get ready. Trevor intercepts me on the door of my bedroom 'camp will be very educative for you he smirks'.
I run past him and into my room. My heart is beating so fast that I can barely breath. Aunty comes into the room shortly after and finds me packing.
'Shekinah...sit down on the bed for a moment' I obey her. 'Why are you always causing trouble for your cousin? Saying you do not like him?'
'Because I don't like him' I say defiantly.
'Well, you might as well get used to the way he plays with you because no one will ever believe anything you say'. I am very confused. Play with me? How does he play with me? Trevor does not play with me. Trevor beats me and punishes me. Two days ago he put chilli in my bath water because Papa came home early and he could not hurt me. When I went to bath, the water stung my eyes and peepee so bad I jumped out of the bath screaming. No Trevor was not joking when he said he would punish me for not listening to him.
Aunty closes my school bag with clothes in it and smiles at me the way Trevor smiles. 'It is your job as a girl'.
With that she is gone leaving me confused
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