I sit at the tabledesperate for some human interaction even though I do not particularly want tosit with my uncle Willy who must have arrived late last night while I was stillasleep. We make small chat about how things are going. He mentions that if Iever had anything to talk about, I could always talk to him. Immediately Ismell Carolines meddling. She has obviously asked him to find out for sure if Iam pregnant. Looking at my plate, no one would doubt this for a second. I rollmy eyes at him knowing this rudeness will suffce to shut him up.
It has been a coupleweeks since I found out that I am pregnant. That should place my little baby atsix weeks and I am getting excited. Each day I read articles online about whatto eat and what not to do, what my baby looks like at six weeks.
Apparently, he issupposed to be ''about the size of alentil. Although he's tiny, his earlyfeatures are just starting to form. Your baby has a large head and dark spots where her eyesand nostrils are growing. Her emergingears are marked and her arms and legs look like protruding buds. Your baby'shands and feet are shaped like paddles, and her fingers are beginning to form even now. There's plentygoing on inside his tiny body too. Hisheart has divided into the right and left chambers and is beating about 150 times a minute. That's roughly twice the rateof your heart ''.
Can you imagine!There is a little person growing inside of me. A person that I am creating. Idecide to introduce him to the glorious world of caterpillars nice and crunchyfried caterpillers. Soon as I place one in my mouth, I am sent gagging straightto the bathroom to throw up rather violently may I add. What the hell? I havenever had a reaction like that to caterpillers before!
I clean my mouth andreturn to my meal but the sight of the caterpillers send me off again. It isclear little man takes after his daddy. Ryan sends me a few texts that morningand is delighted to hear that little man hates caterpillers too. Ryan is alwaysso amazing over the phone. Why can he not be like this when we are together?
'Lanie! Lanie!'Daddy calls. Shit. I better pull myself together and figure out a way to getout of the crib. Things are just too awkward between us. Even though he seemsto have bought the idea that I am not actually pregnant, conversations are notflowing as easily as they used to. He hands me my NRC card. 'I picked this upfor you today. Are you OK?'
'Yes Daddy, I amfine. Thanks for doing this'.
'Not at all'. Withthat, he is gone. It takes all my self control not to cry. I go to my room andput my shoes on. I will go and visit my brothers grave and take some flowersperhaps pull out the weeds as well. My brother Jay volunteers to take me there.We talk about anything but the supposed pregnancy. Jay knows me too well and isaware that this will be an unwelcome discussion unless by some sort of miracleI bring it up myself.
Along the way toibex hill graveyard, we spot some people selling flowers. We pick a beautifulbunch of roses but when we reach the graveyard I am instructed to break them soas not to be resold. How sick is that? People actually sell you flowers stolen fromsomeone else's grave. We get to work weeding and reminiscing the good timeswith Chimunya. My God what a loss. To think this is the first time I have beenbrave enough to see his grave. When he died I was doing A-level exams inEngland and could not make it for the funeral. I was crushed, consumed withguilt for many years. Several therapy sesssions later, it was advised that Iwas ready to face the music. Somehow, not seeing the grave made his death lessreal. It made me feel like he was gone somewhere far and would be back soon.Looking at it now, hammers home the real truth. We polish the grave and lay theflowers. After a few pictures, Jay offers to leave me alone for a short while.
' I will be just bythe roadside OK. I will wait whenever you are ready'.
'Hey Chimunya, Idon't suppose I have to tell you everything since you are now in heaven andwhatnot I am sure that you know all thehavoc that I have been causing right? Well despite everything, I still wish youwere here. You would have found a way to make this bearable for everyonewithout my resolting to dubious means. Daddy and I's relationship is finally intatters but I think I know how to get him back. Perhaps Lubuto will have asmile like yours...' I pause as a lump begins to form in my throat the size ofa golf ball. Do not cry woman do not cry. ' I will let him have your name ashis middle name. I miss you so much but I am sure heaven is a better place withyou in it. I am sure in your fathers house you have finally found yourmansion'. I kiss his gravestone and head back to Jay.
'Hey bro. Thanks foreverything. Can I be cheeky and ask you to drop me off in town? I need to gofor my driving lessons'.
'Oh you have startedthat have you? Will you have enough time before you head back to England?'
'Yes, instructorsays it is a four week course. I have six weeks before I leave'.
'Awesome! Daddy willbe pleased with you'. My point exactly. The gate is finally opened.
It is not theeasiest thing learning to drive in busy Lusaka. The bus drivers are rowdy andshout abuse at you as you learn. Seriously, I wonder when these bus driverswill ever be human. Obviously by the time I get home I am absolutely shattered.
Mutale, a mutualfriend of Ryan and I thinks I am doing too much stuff. 'It is too stressful foryou mulamu' he says charmingly, his cheeky smile gleaming. He and I have beenattending the same driving school for a week now and he always makes sure we bookthe same time so that he goes immediately after me. I think it is lovely forhim to be so concerned. It is perfect because I trust him and admire hisambition, zeal for life and constant optimism. Today he listened to me whineabout Ryan for an hour over coffee and did not seem bored one bit. Instead hesympathised that I was going through this alone and promised to call everynight to check up on me.
My phone rings justas I am about to nod off. It is mums sister aunty Celia who I so close with.She tells me how mum is just worried about me but understands that she may havegone about things the wrong the way. The lucky thing is that aunty is a doctor.I can be completely honest with her about anything after all it is in my bestmy best interest to have a doctor by my side.
Mutale calls just aspromised. We chat about the ridiculous outfit the driving instructor woretoday. 'You looked beautiful today mulamu. I think you are a strong lady andyou can get through anything. I admire that about you'
I hold the phonecloser to my ear embracing the warm kind words. He is such good friend.
'I gotta go Mutiz.Mimi is here now'
'Alright, goodnightand sweetdreams Lanie. Same time tomorrow then yea'. Mimi and I keep each othercompany before I resign to a deep sleep. No call from Ryan.
There is someone inthe room. Maybe it is Mimi but why is she standing there in the dark? I try tosit up in bed but my legs are completely paralysed. Each time I try to get up,my body feels as though it is virbrating. What the hell is happening? I try toadjust my eyes but when I open them the person is still there and now I notethat they are covered from head to tall in a black cloak. The face is masked bya skeletal face and a pointed hat. I am completely freaked out. It is obviouslynot Mimi. I should wake her up, scream, anything but my mind and body are twocomplete separete entities. I lie there screaming yet instead of an audiblesound, all that escapes is a hoarse ineffective mime.
The person closes ingliding purposely slowly towards my bed. The hairs at the back of my head standto attention but do no good in my attempt to scare this creature away. It stopsnear the bed but does not once look at me. Instead it is focused on somethingelse. Could it be my legs? Could it be after Mimi? Oh God Mimi, wake up! wakeup! I try to scream but nothing comes out. The creature raises it's handexposing a boney hand which is now pointing....pointing directly at my stomach.No, no, no!!! I struggle to free myself from this paralysis to no avail. Mystomach starts to twist and turn and ache. I am in agony!!
'Mutale!!!!' I wakeup screaming. My body is covered in sweat, my heart is pounding and I am intears! Mimi wakes up too at the sound of my screaming.
'Are you OK?' sheasks?
'Yes...yes I am. Itwas just a bad dream' I reply hopefuly telling her what I just dreamt.
'Oh OK. Mmmm, mummylet us pray that sounds like witchcraft. Wait did you just call Mutale? As indaddys friend.......?'
Copyright ©Chisanshi Malama 2013.
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