I am rooted to the spot, my legs feeling like jelly but not fluid enough to move. I own my body yet I am so helpless about what goes on within. The worst of human kinds enemy- fear of the unknown. I have no idea what is going on inside me but I am sure that sorrow engulfs me tearing my heart apart piece by piece. This is not the same feeling as when you break up with someone or rather the more apt version of being dumped. No I know how that goes;
'he enters the room avoiding her gaze. The silence between them is obvious. How can he say so much when he says nothing at all? Her eyes beseech him to stay, longing for his arms to be wrapped around her reassuring her forever more. Instead he walks out the door the moment she needs him most. Her world shattered into tiny fragments around her'...No this is not like that kind of heartbreak and what's more it is literally more than I can bear. It is sickeningly undeniably frightening and as I see that blood...I even forget how to pray. The only hope, small as it appears is the water. if only I can get clean perhaps it will stop.
I step into the water with my phone in my hand. Google should have a remedy for me to calm down. If there is ever anything I need to do, I must calm down but what am I searching for in Google anyway? I type ' bleeding during pregnancy' and I am relieved to see that at the stage I am in my pregnancy, bleeding may occur and that is why some people do not even realise they are pregnant until later stages. However, it can also be the sign of misca...miscar....I do not even dare say that word. It cannot be!! I am in the water only long enough to read that. I cannot sit a minute longer I must go to the doctor now!
'Ryan....I have pant on my blood. I mean blood on my pant' I stammer on the phone.
'Whoa baby calm down I am sure it is nothing!'
'Ryan why oh why can you not take me seriously sometimes eh? Do you think I just want your attention or something?'
'Baby naimwe, ah ah! why are you stressed you know it is not good for or the baby. Let me call my mate and ask him about what this could be'. With that he is hangs up leaving me trembling on the other end. Two minutes later he calls back telling me his friend says it is nothing and that it is normal. I am furious that he is OK with that fucking diagnosis pardon my French! His bloody friend has not examined me thank you very much. I tell him I am going to the clinic anyway and he knows I do what I like so he does not bother fighting me on this. I do however appreciate that he offers to check up on me through out the time I am there.
[Text- Mutale] 'Hey you. Whatever you are doing I need to stop and come over right away. I have noticed some spotting and I could use some support physically right now. Please come with me to the clinic'.
'Babe' Mutale says on the phone 'Can you ask your brother to drop you off at the clinic and I will meet you there? I do not want to delay you because I might get stuck in traffic but you bet I'll be there little bird. Just do not worry yourself, stay calm and be the strong woman that you are OK? Can you do that for me? Everything will be fine alright?'
'OK' I answer sheepishly and as quickly as I can I begin to get ready to leave. My aunty has also received the text I could really do with her expert opinion right about now.
[Text- Aunty] 'Sweety I know you are worried. I do not want you to panic. Not all odds are against you. But I do want you to get yourself checked out immediately. I have sent a text to your brother Jay to drive you there but you know how slow he can be so kick him into action. Oh and put a smile on your face lovey'.
Jay and I head over to the clinic pondering on which one to go to. We decide to use his girlfriends address in order to use state house clinic as Chilenje would take all day before we are seen. The queue is not very long here but it seems like no one knows the meaning of emergency in fact there is no where that suggests that such a service even exists. I am frustrated. The nurse in charge takes my details but pays no mind to my symptoms. Does nobody care that my little bundle of joy may be fighting to make it? Ryan texts me just in time to calm me down ' Baby I know you are scared and knowing you, you must be worried sick as well. It kills me that I cannot be there for you but know that I a thinking of you. You and little man mean the world to me so just hang in there for me.' I dash the phone in the bag. I need someone physically. I cannot deal with the anxiety imposed by vibrating phones. Just as I am about to be seen, Mutale shows up in suit and tie. He rushes to my side and gives me a strong hug. Jay extends his hand to greet him.
'Lanie, are you OK? Do you want me to leave?' Jay asks?
I can sense he feels a bit awkward so I am inclined to release him even though I would very much love him to stay. 'It's fine bro. Mutale will stay with me'.
'OK. If you need me, just call'. He kisses my cheek and leaves. The Doctor calls me in and I insist on Mutale being there. He is very calm and his boyish charm provides an air of optimism. I am holding my belly, each minute begging Lubuto to fight for mummy.
'Hi Doctor...I found some blood on my pants when I went to bath this morning. I am 8 weeks pregnant'.
'Where there any clots?'
'No'
He scribbles something on a piece of paper in the annoying way doctors do without telling you what the hell they are jotting down. If they think this is going to help with keeping me calm they have another bloody think coming!
'Doctor, is this normal during pregnancy?'
'No!' He says as though it is the dumbest question he has ever heard in all his career. 'You are pregnant, you should not be menstruating.' No shit!! I am just here for fun doctor! Pardon me for wasting your time! 'Where are registered for ante-natal?'
'I am not. I was told I must wait until I am three months pregnant which will be in March'.
'OK. I am referring you immediately to UTH'. Oh suck a donkey sideways!!!Not that place again. Am I on death row or something?
'They will do a scan to see if anything is wrong with the baby. It may be nothing.' His face says it could be something. My throat says I am about to break down and cry. My heart says be strong or else. Bloody emotions!
Mutale takes the slip from the doctor and holds my hand all the way to the car. He opens the door for me and kneels down beside me then kisses my hand. He says nothing more but in the car plays little bird on repeat. This time we play it for the baby. It goes without saying, I am trying to comfort my little bundle, I am trying to reassure him that all will be well. I have an appointment already booked for next week to hear his heart beat for the first time. He cannot quit on me now he just can't.
My eyes are wet but I force myself not to dare cry. I update Ryan. Even though I know he is not the best at displaying romance, his heart I feel is in the right place. Last week, he recorded a song for me when he came down for the weekend. All he could talk about was us being a family after the parents reach home. I am still not ready to be vulnerable with him until said events happen and they better happen soon before we land the Mutale train.
[Text-Ryan]'Baby I have contacted my friend at UTH, Just call him when you are there and you should be seen immediately. I love you munchkin. Spare nothing on expenditure'. I would not dare spare nothing. I just want bubbles to be ok.
Copyright © Chisanshi Malama 2013.
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