He is so lovely. Every moment we spend together brings us closer but sometimes I think something is missing. We spent the last two days together blissfully. His breath kisses my skin softly like a gentle breeze.
‘Sing the song with me’ he says softly and teasingly but I shy away. I cannot sing for fear my trembling voice will make me choke. Besides I cannot sing anyway close to how he does. It is playful but charming. I smile as he comes closer playfully doing a little dance before wrapping his arms around my shy weakened body. ‘Come on angel….sing. Sing like the days will never end. Sing like our lives are already one, sing like a bird in the morning I don’t care what you do as long as you sing for me’. He begins to tickle me and promises not to stop until I sing.
‘Please, please...let...le let me sing. I will sing as long you stop with the tickling.’ I manage to say between giggles. ‘We need to stop fooling around and continue cooking man or I will hit you with this spatula’. The flat is a lovely modern bedsit with an awesome little kitchen that I know for a fact I do not mind being in. I have been here before. And I love how this man can cook meals that make me want to speak in tongues.
‘Hit me then…’he says pinning my hands down onto the kitchen counter so that his face is right in front me. His body is an inch away from claiming mine. I stop giggling and look at him longingly, more that I have ever wanted in my life I want kiss this man. Feel his flowery kisses caress my lips and ease my soul. This man knows my soul. He knows the lyrics of my inner being. He senses my desire for him and leans down to kiss me. ‘Say Mutiz is your angel’ he whispers…
‘Tell Lanie not to touch anything herbal. That is what Bana Chola told me. Mummy she said she had a dream last night that someone is still trying to destroy you because it survived’ Mimi says franticly waking me up from my wonderful dream. Well it is a bit late because I do not know what it is I was not supposed to touch. Besides I have already touched it. I am so confused. I sit up in my bed and wipe the drool off my face. I could have strangled Mimi right here right now. Mutale is an un escapable part of me. I have not seen him and it is Friday but he did call me last night saying he needed to see me. He has no idea that I heard him say he loves me. Can I really be brave enough to see him? I know I miss him but surely it cannot be right for me to date Mutale when he is Ryan’s best friend. But I really want to obviously. How else will I explain why I have these dreams? Every night, I check my phone not for Ryan but for Mutiz. He said he would call again today. We just have to wait and see.
‘Mummy are you even listening to anything I am saying? Bana Chola says you need to come now and pray because if you make the wrong decision about something everything in your life will change.’ Mimi does not allow me to even get dressed I simply jump out of bed and join her in the quest for Bana Chola. The good thing about being in Zambia is, if it morning, no one can judge you for walking around looking like a mad man. They simply assume that you have been busy doing some chores.
We walk the two blocks to Bana Chola’s house and she tells that the reason she called for me is to break any spell that has been cast against me. ‘You have been hard to get hold of that is why you and your love have not been able to be together yet’. I hate that she is so ambiguous. Can she not help me choose already? ‘Did you eat what you were given?’ I respond negatively. ‘Good, let us pray before it is too late. He has not been calling you has he? But not to worry, from today onwards he will call again. God is all powerful and nothing is impossible with him’. Well if it is Ryan she means, she is wrong because he has been calling. Not as much as before but he has been calling.
After the prayers, she looks at me says ‘marriage is for life, it is not about how you feel exactly, it is about how important someone makes you feel because if you do not feel important in someone’s life, you will never grow to love them the way you should. To live a lifetime with someone is a huge sacrifice. Live it with someone who is willing to give you the world. Be true to your heart Lanie. If you are not true to your heart, you cannot live an honest happy life.’
Mimi and I head home back home and as usual she is chatting away about what dress I should wear when I meet her ‘daddy’. I cannot stop thinking about Bana Cholas words.
[Phone call- Mutiz] ‘Hey little bird!’
‘Mutiz…’ I hold the phone too close that it appears as though I want to withdraw Mutiz from the phone and into my world. ‘How the devil are you doing? No I can’t do lunch am quite swamped. I have to go and see the travel agent and reschedule my flight….yes I am leaving earlier than planned. I think I am a walking talking taboo. After all that has happened I just need something to live for.’
‘I need to see you soon Lanie. We need to talk but it always feels like something holds us back. I just need to talk to you.’
‘Mutiz I don’t think it is wise given the situation with Ryan. I do wish….erm uh never mind. Maybe we can work something out’ I say feigning brevity in my now trembling voice. What I do want to tell him is that I miss him. No matter how hard I try to deny it I cannot lie that being with Mutiz does not just put my loins on fire, it completes me. I can be myself around him, I can dare to dream with him. With Mutiz, I don’t have to worry about the price tag or him asking more of me than I can give. Mutale gives me all of him. All his world. I agree I am not the bravest human being and why Mutale cares for me is beyond me.
Ryan is coming to pick me up later for lunch. We are supposed to spend some quality time together and I just hope it goes to plan. A part of me does not want to go. He is my kryptonite.
At 1pm exactly, a cab pulls up outside our house. Ryan looks dashing as usual and that beard I love so much chiselled to perfection. ‘Baby, we are going to do everything just the way you want to today and next week I have the best plans for us’ he enthused.
‘Oh really? I am so excited I can’t wait’ I smile politely. My mind is elsewhere.
The day goes according to plan. I requested Fringilla and he obliged. Even though I could see him being a little tight about the money but he melts and tries his hardest not to complain. I appreciate this but I am about to embark on a serious journey with this man. Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life? Worrying about how to ask him to spoil me or even money for the house? Are his looks so good that I am willing to be so uptight around him? Can he ever change? One rule I have never broken on a date is ‘not to wonder if he is having a good time but to be concerned about whether I am having a good time’. No matter how hard I try, I am not having a great time. Sure I love him and he is my douche bag, the sex is great but….looking at him now as he sits there wondering what the best chat is I realise I am not in love with him.
I am in love with the idea of him but this is the type of man I have been avoiding all my life. Ryan is selfish. He will act through today because he wants my heart back, my docile heart back that he can walk all over, he wants a docile wife whom he can push over. Bloody cousin?? If that was his cousin as he says it was then how come Mutale did not say so in the car? They have been friends forever and Mutale knows his family inside out. In all our time together, my true love had always been closer than I thought.
‘So baby, I was thinking we should go and see our friend’ by this he means his friend. ‘You know she is very close to giving birth…’ I almost choke on my food. He cannot be serious. What makes him think I want to be around pregnant people right now? ‘Are you OK? Anyway I was thinking you would like to go and buy little present for them you know’.
‘Gee I would love to but I am not ready to take that step yet’ besides, he now has the time to be there for another mother to be huh!
‘I don’t know why you are being like this babe. Mmm awe, it’s not nice’ here we go with the guilt trip.
‘Ryan I just lost a baby. I am not ready for this because it will hurt. Not that I am not happy for her, I need more time to adjust’
‘Why are you still so attached anyway? You were only eight weeks pregnant!’ Wow! That is my cue. I cannot deal with this anymore.
‘Ryan, I have somewhere I need to be. It was lovely doing this again but you have a right to be free like I do being happy. ‘
‘This is about Mutale isn’t it?’ I pick up my bag and leave money for my bill….I cannot justify it with an answer. By now I have broken all the rules starting from home to all manner of tradition, why not break some more.
‘Take care’ and with that I leave and I don’t dare look back. I flag a cab down and head on back home. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Ryan does not understand my situation. He never has because he has never been there. A part of me blames him for…I dare not say it. But my heart belongs to someone else. The one who rescues me in dreams and in life. The one I dream of always but cannot have.
[Text- Mutale] ‘I leave for England next Friday. Thinking of you’
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