‘ Hey Chichi. Are you around please?’
‘Yes sure honey are you OK?’
‘No, I am not. I need to you here to do cheer me up please’
‘OK, I will be there soon yeah? Do you want me to bring anything for you?’
‘Yes please. Fruit and Nut Cadbury’s please’.
‘OK sure. I want you to tell me everything when I get there OK.’ I agree and remain in the bedroom waiting for Chichi. Jay comes to the door and enquire on how I have been. He is obviously concerned and apparently mum has been on his case all day trying to find out what is going on. I reassure him I am fine and apologise for getting him upset.
When Chichi arrives, I tell her everything from my lovely night with Mutale to seeing Ryan with another girl.
‘Dear God! Nothing happened right? With Mutale I mean.’
‘Of course I have been good! To think you would even doubt me is just downright shocking’
‘Melanie, I do not like this whole situation. It stinks to the high heavens, I am telling you now. Since this whole affair with you and Ryan began, it has been drama upon drama and now the baby is in jeopardy! Are you sure he is someone you want to keep in your life babe? I hate to say this because I know you love him, but your mother may be right. This man is nowhere to be seen and his best friend is a better fit. I just feel sorry for you because you are so in love with him’.
‘Have you ever wished you could meet someone again for the first time? Mutale is everything I have always in a man but he is just in the wrong body you know!’
‘Lanie, you cannot have it all. Mutale is very attractive and it is clear he is into you. I won’t lie the circumstances of you guys falling in love is taboo but maybe you two belong together. Have you ever been so into someone that you can barely breathe when they are around? That is how Mutale is around you and when he speaks about you and I bet today he wanted to tell you that he loves you, hell he probably even did but you are always so consumed by Ryan mind body and soul’ she says stroking my hair as I lie on the bed looking absolutely pathetic. Tell me he loves me? Huh! She is definitely away with the fairies on that one! He is caring but to tell me he loves me is completely off the charts! I have a week left to Valentine’s Day and two days before Valentine’s Day, Ryan and I are supposed to hear the baby’s heartbeat. Except there is no longer a Ryan and I now is there?
‘I am going to get a drink’ I say getting up to go to the kitchen.
‘I will get it for you. Dr said you need to stay and rest remember?’
‘Oh yeah and if I want to pee will you do that for me too?’ I sit up and grab my handbag fetching the newest scan of Lubuto and proudly show it to Chichi.
‘Awww that is going to be my Godchild’ she smiles.
‘Yeah well make sure you put it back in the purse though don’t you run off with it!’ I tease. When I stand up to head for the door, Chichi calls out to with a sense of urgency in her voice.
‘Lanie, sweetie I think we need to go back to the hospital right now.’ I turn back horrified to see that the sheet is stained in blood in the spot where I was lying. No….no no no no I cry shaking my head vehemently. ‘Listen babe, I need you to be calm for me OK can you do that? Now your brother and I are going to have to take you back to the hospital immediately. It is not a lot of blood but we must not waste any more time yes’ she is holding me firmly by the shoulders and looking in my eyes trying to console me because by now I am shaking uncontrollably. ‘I will pack a chitenge for you and all I need for you to do is just get in the bathroom and have a change of sanitary towels ok’. I am inclined to agree and as I step into the loo to change I notice there are some small clots this time. I cannot control my tears. They flow as though they have a mind of their own. As though they have a river to fill. As though they have a sea to conquer. They flow so much that I am not sure that I will any water in my body left. My brother will have to know today for sure that I am pregnant but it is the least of my worries right now. Oh Lord! I cannot even call Ryan because he is out there with some skank getting busy! I come out to a sombre faced big brother. He simply asks me if I am ready to go. We head straight back to the hospital breaking every traffic rule that there is.
When we get to the hospital, the high cost section is closed!! Closed? Like what the hell? Are the rich only allowed to be unwell during the day? These people cannot be serious. We head over to the low cost section and the line is long. Some are sitting waiting their turn but at least it is nowhere near the way it was busy yesterday. Chichi rushes me over to a nurse’s desk and explains that I am 8 weeks pregnant and still bleeding despite being on bed rest since yesterday. The nurses pulls out my file and after going through it, points me to another office and tells me to talk to the gentleman in there. Chichi walks in with me and tells me to talk to the nurse and tell him what happened. My brother is sitting waiting for me in the waiting room. The nurse looks unconcerned as he looks over my file. He looks back up at me and says
‘This definitely looks like a threatened abortion but if you say you have seen blood clots then it is in the latter stages of the condition. I doubt there will be anything I can do for you if that is the case but I will try my best. Please take a seat in the waiting room and I will call you again.’ I return to the waiting room and sit with my brother and chichi. It is cold and depressing and smells like medicine.
‘What did he say?’ Chichi enquires. I recount the nurse’s advice but she is adamant everything will be fine. According to her a friend of hers bled throughout her second month and still had a bouncing baby boy! ‘So you will see everything will be just fine. I asked Mutale to come if that’s OK? I sure he would like to be with you right now.’ No, I really wish she had not done that because the last thing I want to do right now is think of love interests. ‘And Ryan’ She adds as an afterthought.
‘What are you playing at? Do you wish for some sort of blood bath? That is a recipe for disaster! They cannot both be in the same room right now, not to mention it is not something I want to be dealing with just yet!’ She can be impossible sometimes I swear to God!
‘Chansa! Chansa Melanie!’ the nurse calls my name. This is always so awkward, what do you answer? Present? They go on and keep calling with such irritation in their voices that you feel guilty for coming to the hospital in the first place. ‘Have you got a chitenge with you?’
‘Yes I do’
‘OK. Nurse is ready for you now wait over there on that bed for him to examine you. Let the cleaner wipe the bed down first before you lie down.’ There is absolutely no privacy curtain between me and the next person making it ever so awkward. I look away and try to mind my own business. The woman next to me seems unconcerned by what is being done to her. She recounts how she tried to induce a miscarriage by drinking battery acid and it had completely gone wrong in one way or the other. Instead of getting her intended results, she ended up being violently sick all the time. Surely that is common sense but apparently common sense is not so common in common people!
‘OK Chansa, put the chitenge there and lie down’. I do as I am told for once in my life.
‘Lay flat on your back, raise your legs and let them just flop to the side on their own weight. How long have you been bleeding today?’
‘I don’t know. I just realised when I woke up that I was still bleeding’.
He puts his gloves on and enters me wiggling his fingers in there for about 20 seconds then pulls his hand out and sighs.
‘Ok you may get dressed now’. I getting up feeling somewhat strange and light headed, pull up my pants and gather my stuff from the bed. He summons me over to his table and motions me to sit down. ‘It is just as we suspected. Kachoka’.
‘What do you mean kachoka?’ I am shaking violently now and someone would think that I was in ice land without as much as a top on. I bite my lip desperately trying to hold myself together. Something in my body feels empty. Like I will just drop down and die right now. All the times I have ever felt hurt, combine them and multiply them seventy times and then repeat the multiplication with the answer you get by seventy again. Even though I feel this way, I summon some strength and rest my hands on my knees and rock myself gently back and forth. I look at the nurse hopefully and repeat the question to him.
‘Chansa, you have had a miscarriage. The baby is gone….’ His expression is full of compassion now and one can tell he really feels sorry for me. I don’t want his pity. I want his help. I need his help. I need him to perform one of their medical magic and restore peace, restore my baby. How could my baby be in me, get hurt, and I not even know how to protect him? How could I possibly be able to protect him in the real world if I cannot protect him from the place where he should be safest? Oh gosh!! I am a terrible mother.
‘You are making me feel bad now’ the nurse says. ‘You are the second person I have seen today who is genuinely upset about losing her child. Most of them that come through here, they simply want us to finish the job off. I am so sorry even for my assumptions.’
‘Is there nothing you can do anymore?’
‘No. You just need to go home and let it run its course. It is quite small at this point and should just come out like a regular period but it will be quite painful’. Except I will know it is not a regular period, it is my baby. My beautiful wonderful baby. As if reading my thoughts he offers another option. ‘You may stay and let me clean you if you wish. It will be very painful but it will be quick. I will be quick as I can. I do not want you suffer some more at home. The pain can be excruciating but from here we can give you the medication to for proper care afterwards as well’. I thank the nurse and head back to the waiting room. My brother looks extremely worried and Mutale has arrived. I am so glad to see him. Chichi rushes to my side and soon as she holds me I break down into uncontrollable sobs.
Copyright © Chisanshi Malama 2013.
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