Aunty came over the very next day to give me mankwala. I had told dad I am having nothing to do with it but she still showed up. I accepted to put whatever herbs it is that she wanted me to put on the stove. This was to allow me to cook again using the family stove. Thank God Bana Kulu Clarence was not around to witness this but I sure she has got wind of the story by now. The only thing saving me from her wrath is that she is currently living in another town. I dare not ask where lest it be bad omen for me and she actually shows up.
Aunty insisted that I must chew some herb which would help me wash out my stomach. ‘Just take a small bite Lanie! It is bitter but you will be fine.’ I declined. There is no way I am chewing on herbs when I don’t even know for sure what they do except what she tells me.
Some aunty’s have told me that if I did not in fact have an abortion, why in earth did I not go to them when I found out about the pregnancy as well as when I started bleeding. Their remedy is that they could have ‘kakad(tied)’ my uterus so as to avoid the mishap. Come of it! Is what I think. How can anyone in the world ever have such authentic power as to be able to tie ones uterus. If I give someone so much power over my life, who will untie my uterus when I am ready to give birth? Was I supposed to head back to them when the time was right? And what if they refused to untie the uterus then what?
According to the prophetess, my situation was typical to that of a double sacrifice. I was to arrive in the country for the sole purpose of falling pregnant and reactivating a curse on our family once the baby died except they tried to take both our lives. Gods’ mercy is what spared mine.
Science says my baby died to a range of factors that cannot be known for sure and the healing was dependent on my taking the tablets and avoiding falling pregnant for at least six months ‘or you will find yourself on this table again Chansa!’
I am simply run down. So I choose these walls. To keep me away from the crowd, away from the gossip and the downcast eyes. Only I know the pain that runs through the vein of my veins. I have completely come undone. Mimi texted earlier saying she is coming round so she should be here soon. She will be the first company I have had in the last three days. I still have not heard from Mutale. I hate that I miss him when I am not sure I love him. I hate that I crave him when I know it is taboo. I hate that I need him when all I think of is….Ryan.
Mimi dashes into the bedroom with only a chitenge and small vest for company. The dust has kissed her brown skin in a shimmery glow that could be mistaken for a bronze. I am so grateful for her bubbly nature. She sits on the bed and leans down to give me a cuddle and a peck. ‘I heard about what happened and I am so sorry. I just met uncle on the way and he told me to come over because you have not been eating properly so I will put some water on, cook some food and we will go to your favourite eating place. Have you taken your meds yet?’ she asks ever so sweetly then sets about tidying my room up, picking out a set of clothes for me and even setting the laptop up so we can watch a movie. Once I am looking decent enough for her satisfaction, Mimi and I joke about anything and everything. We do not talk about the baby again. For a day I am grateful to focus on something else.
‘I am thinking of returning to England soon. I think I shall reschedule my flight and set off earlier than 30th march’.
‘No! Why mummy?’
‘Because I fear what I shall do if I stay in this country longer. I am so depressed and I feel out of place. No matter what I try, I cannot deny that I am a lost cause and I cannot risk that. I am trying to hold onto the hope that I still have something to live for’.
‘What about Ryan?’
‘What about him?’
‘Well he is back from work now, you cannot just leave him alone surely. He is heartbroken…’
‘He is…?’ Mimi goes on that I should give him a chance and just talk to me. So when Ryan calls I answer. I do not say much about anything I just listen to him ramble on trying to make small talk. I really missed his voice but he has some explaining to do.
‘Listen Ryan, I have some things to do so if there is nothing you want to talk about – ‘
‘Lanie wait. I need to see you. Please can we talk. Chichi told me why you are mad at me’.
‘Ryan, the reasons I am mad at you can be summed up in a sequel of novels! I don’t need to stand here and list them all for you because you know what you did. You are a grown man and I am sure as hell not going to chase you’.
‘Can I have just one chance to explain myself and if you still feel the same way you do now then I will understand.’
‘OK….but you have to be here soon I have things I need to do.’
Mimi smiles. She has been pro Ryan for like forever and thinks I can be too hard on him. Quite the opposite I think.
Ryan and I agree to meet at woodlands shopping mall because if my dad even sees him anywhere near my house, there will be hell to pay. Not to mention there was the issue of damage which my aunties are very keen on having enforced. In their words ‘pantu fye ati kafuma does not mean he does not pay’. My father has declined enforcing this rule on the basis that the ‘one offended is the one who must enforce it’. In this case the offended would be my father not I. However, daddy feels I have been through enough to have to deal with more traditional drama. His only concern is that I recover promptly and stay away from Ryan. ‘Where was he when you were going through all this anguish, all the pain in the hospital? No I am sorry but I do not want him or his folks to present anything here.’
Ryan is already waiting for me when I arrive at O’Hagans. He has ordered me a full plate of Chicken wings just the way I like them. A glass of virgin pina colada because I am still on a course of antibiotics for the next two weeks.
‘You look beautiful’ I smile courteously as he pulls the chair out for me. He has not forgotten his manners. ‘I am sorry. I took the liberty of ordering for you since I know you will not want to stay long.’
‘It is fine. So what do you want to talk about?’
‘Chichi told me you saw me with another the girl the day you went back into hospital’. My anger starts to rise like a volcano about to erupt. I take a deep breath and refuse to give him the satisfaction that he hurt me. ‘I know what it looked like, but I swear to you that was my cousin I was with. She just picked me up from town and was going to drop me off home. I was planning on coming to see you that very day!’
‘So why did you not call to tell me?’ He looks sincere enough and for a moment I feel like an idiot for thinking otherwise. I rushed to conclusions too quickly.
‘Because I wanted to surprise you baby or am I not allowed to do that anymore?’ he says reaching across the table to take my hand but I pull away. ‘Baby please, don’t do this. I know I was wrong and I should have been there for you a bit more but if you had spoken to me about how you felt instead of always hanging out with Mutale, maybe I would have been able to do more’.
‘Ryan, I have done nothing but talk since we met. I talked till I was blue in the face. Anything you did not agree with you brought up a ‘traditional’ excuse about why you could not do it. You left me two weeks at a time and when you were back you barely gave me the time of day! So at which point was I supposed to talk to you? Tell me?’
‘Mmm baby naimwe, can’t we just let it go? I said I am sorry but really and truly I still think you should not have done chibeleshi with Mutale. Good thing I kicked that niggers ass!’
‘You see what I mean? You can be despicable! You chose a disgusting time to pick a fight! A time when I am not well, a time when we have lost a child….’ My voice trails off in bitter anguish at the thought of that night. Mutale…..oh dear Mutiz. Such a good friend.
‘This is why I am the best man for you. I lost a child too. I was angry. I was desperate but we can heal together Lanie. Don’t you see? You and I, we are invincible. We are destined to be together. I made you a promise to fight for our love and that is what I will continue to do so till my dying day and I promise I will never ever leave your side again. I will always put you first. My baby…please for all times sake’ he is now kneeling down beside me. Everyone is looking on.
‘I can’t take this I have to go.’ I get up and walk away out of the pub. Ryan leaves a stash of money on the table and follows me out. He keeps chattering away about why I must take him back until we reach the stadium. I do not respond to him at all. All I can think of is how much he hurt me.
‘Melanie, baby…’he grabs my hand, turns me round and kisses me. He kisses me so hard, I lose my senses. He kisses me so desperately that I forget my name. His kisses are what I have lived for all this time. He should be worth fighting for. He must be because right now, his kisses give me life. After about a minute, a pull away completely intoxicated by him.
I would like to think that he means what he says. I would like to believe every word. I need to believe because I do not want all I have been through to have been in vain. I must believe him because every fibre of
my being is weakened by his touch. Malachi. I must submit because if I cannot have him, who will have me? I am damaged. I am no good. I deserve him.
‘I love you Lanie’
‘And I you ’.
Copyright © 2013 Chisanshi K Malama
All rights reserved.
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