״Never in my dreams was the ending designed as such. Like a traitor against a state I can no longer despise men. My rights to do so relinquished by the damned double arrow struck by beloved cupid. Beloved? Beloved? No he cannot be such for his arrows have wounded and sliced my heart in twine. My mind is confused as to whom this body belongs. Pray cupid, do strike again only this time aim right that I may be free from the stain of your curse.
I cannot pick one for in the absence of the other I feel incomplete, yet when I am with him, I long for the other...strike once more, i promise this time I will be ready''
The day is beautiful and I wake up fresh. No worries and almost delighted to see that Mutale is still holding us but I still wish Ryan was the one to orchestrate all this. He keeps saying that it is all about work and that if he could be here he would, but I just do not have the strength to be a believer right now. His music is picking up as well. The prospect of groupies is life threatening. I mean, can I count on him to be there in future? I look at Mutale next to me and he is the epitome of comfort, care and charisma; my three c’s.
I am aware that my heart is definitely in two different places. That is just not acceptable. I have always been able to spend time with a guy without getting too attached. I can kiss a wonderful date without letting my head dream of forever after. That is our curse as women I reckon. We normally fly off into emotion world leaving the guy behind. I mean we give him the idea of what we want and before we realise it we are free falling by ourselves when he does not even love us back. Could this be what is happening here? Aargh, why am I even thinking of it? Surely Mutale does not mean to….he cannot be in…does he? He has never ever said as much but again actions speak louder than words. Anyway I better get out of here soon and head on home. Daddy is going to be absolutely pissed off with me, but I can’t think of that right now I am just happy Lubuto is dandy.
I lift Mutale's hand off and slide off into the bathroom. The Jacuzzi is completely inviting and run the water ready for a dip. Obviously what I really want to see is that my knickers are the right colour. Yep! Pristine clear. Which Dr do I owe thanks to? A big wonderful smile is plastered on my face. Better check my phone for any messages.
[Text- Aunty Celia] child I am so happy to hear that you are OK. You had me worried but I know God is looking out for you. These things do happen but keep your chin up OK. Make sure you get plenty of rest and no STRESSING!! Oh if only she knew. I am anything but stressed this morning.
[Text- Ryan] Hi beautiful. I tried to call you last night but your phone went straight to voicemail. I guess you are sleeping so I will speak to you and little man tomorrow. I am praying for you guys. Be careful and take care.
Darn it! It is times like this when I get transported to the softer side of Ryan. The side I have always admired. I miss those gorgeous big muscles. Every part of me aches for him but my mind tells me that Mutale is the right guy.
‘Lanie! I have asked them to bring the breakfast to the room so you can take your time in there OK’ Mutale calls. ‘Make sure you eat enough though. I don’t want you going hungry’.
‘Thanks. That is really sweet of you’
‘Anything for you treasure’ I open my eyes quickly from my serene state in the bath. Treasure? Pet names now eh? Sure I know he has called me ‘little bird’ for a while but flipping treasure? I recall last night he referred to the bun in my oven as his! OK… I better dash out of here before I regret something. It is enough that I am cheating on Ryan in my mind! Oooh, what would Jesus say? I frown at that thought because I am pretty sure Jesus already has quite a bit to say about my current situation so let’s not even go there!
Mutale chatters away at breakfast, but I remain a bit aloof. I feel guilty and completely seduced by him. Charming douche bag (in a sweet way). I hate myself for feeling this way. Mutale looks at me and starts laughing.
‘Yaba!!’ He says between fits of laughter. What the hell is so funny? Do I look hilarious without makeup on? I knew this would be a bad idea. Ryan did say that women look less attractive when preggers. ‘It is just that you seem so shy little bird and I have never ever known you to be a shy one before. What is it? Are you falling for me?’ he says cheekily biting into his ham and cheese sandwich.
‘Erm…no you cheeky git!’ I snarl at him. ‘I got a man and pregnant for him...’
‘I know we here together and I think this is written in the stars’
‘What freaking stars? You ought to take me home this minute Mutale’.
‘Relax, I am only trying to cheer you up or make you chit chat about something’. Mhm he is single, he could be anywhere in the world but he is here with me asking me these questions. Is he trying to find out how I feel about him? I better not crack!!
We check out of the hotel around 11am and Mutale drives me home. We use independence road and chat about the good times and when I am due for my next appointment. ‘By then Ryan will be back so I am sure he will be able to take me. I am so sorry you have been doing all this running around and I am so grateful…’
‘Lanie, I have something I need to tell you’ he says turning down the volume in the car
‘You taking me to get some ice cream? I could do with one I am really hot!’
‘If you want one of course I will, but I must talk to you about something on the level and just make sure you are just honest with me OK.’
We approach LA and Mutale looks for a spot to park. When he does he continues talking. I am facing him but looking right through him. My heart is excruciatingly painful, I think I my throat is swelling up and I cannot breath, I am at stand still. I cannot believe my eyes because it is simply not true. It cannot be right. It is an illusion that is what it is I mean people look alike sure they do and just because they look like someone you know does not mean it is them right?
But I know that figure so well. Don’t try to tell me different. I know that figure from anywhere. I watch the man open the door for the lady and walk in after her. Mutale is still talking about something but my eyes are fixed on the door of the shop where the two just walked into. Mutale is shaking me gently.
‘Earth to Lanie! Have you heard a single thing that I have just said?’ He follows my eyes to where I am looking. The couple come back out of the shop giggling and laughing. By the time they reach the car and the guy turns around….there is no denying that that is my baby daddy.
‘Take me home Mutale. Now please’.
‘Lanie, I am sure that it is nothing. I am sure there is some simple explanation for this.’ He knows I don’t want to talk about it so we simply continue our drive home. To think all that waiting for him was in vain. Hopeless. I should have yielded to Mutale. I should have just…what was he about to tell me anyway? Mutale stops outside my house and offers to walk me to the gate but I decline.
‘Melanie’ he shouts after me. I turn around to face him with an exhausted look on my face. ‘You are so much more beautiful than you realise. If you for one minute see what I see in you, you would never let a frown rest upon your face for even a moment’.
‘Thanks but I am fine honestly’ I say with a wry smile on my face. Ryan has been working hard that is all.’ Good thing about being pregnant is you get to be rude to people and get away with it so when I enter the house, my look simply says ‘dare to chat to me if you are on a suicide mission’. I reach for my pen and paper and let the note bleed. The only way I know how to unleash my anger.
‘The next dice rolls masked by the deliberate whisk of my arm
A cold smile frozen by the sweet sounds of your lyrical betrayal
See I… understand the words spoken by poets
And the meaning unwritten by the writers of songs of a defected ego that display the note, the rhythm, the beat, the tempo
And the heightened pride of nothing but a defected ego
See I… understand the flow of a river and perhaps I could comprehend the battle between rain and ocean trying to figure out which is the mightier
I can understand the oceans ambition to consume every rain drop despite the risks of swelling up and drowning in the land
And I can make sense of nature’s career to bombard a nation
And then attempt to fix it
Hell I could even try to understand why a tree chooses to be naked in winter
But… what I do not know how to do is
Understand the speech of the foolish
The reasoning of the selfish and the ludicrous pretention of walking in your own shadow
When all it now depicts is a dark mirror to your core
Where masked by sweet lies and haughty pride, you are prisoner to your defected ego
Let’s play dice once more,
What will you throw? 2 lies or six? Either way you've missed
My hands are held across my face
To you only the back of it now shows estranging your existence because you see we are two sides of the same coin
Mine is always the tail but my head cannot be injured by a defected ego
A woman of my own substance
My eyes know not the waters of my soul
They remain hidden in the tributaries of my spirit and not of a defected ego’
I slam my book shut and curl myself to sleep. I never want to deal with any man again. I have to keep calm for Lubuto’s sake. The only one in the world who is worth my life, my love and my tears.
Copyright © Chisanshi Malama 2013.
No comments:
Post a Comment