I cry for what seems like forever. Unstoppable tears that could be stilled by any force smaller than God. I do not care for anything but my pain. Not the physical pain I feel now oh no. I am quite numb to that. Even though my insides are flipping inside out. The gut wrenching feeling erupts a Tsunami of tears that now floods Chichi’s dress. My brother and Mutale know that this is not the best time to come and cuddle or ask questions or move forward for hugs. No they know this is the moment that only my best friend can handle. Not a man. In the absence of my mother, I find comfort in my friend. In the absence of my ability to pray, I seek for and intercessor. Has anyone ever felt this pain before? How do they survive it? Surely it cannot be something one just gets over. I gave him a name. Lubuto. That was his name. Is his name. He is still inside me. I hold my stomach and crouch to the floor completely overwhelmed by sorrow. My first baby.
‘Chansa! Chansa!’ the nurse calls. Chichi answers for me and tells them I am coming. ‘Now listen to me Lanie. You are going to go in there and God is going before you. You will be fine. There is no problem too big for him’. How she can be so optimistic in such dire circumstances is beyond me. I would not have a clue what to say to myself if I were in her position. But she is a good friend. She is strong and never have I seen her cry but I see her fighting back tears right now and I crumble once more. I cannot have her crying because it will make me weaker.
She grabs my hand and guides me to the nurses table. Another nurse comes over and hands me some tissue. ‘There is room four straight up the corridor where you are going to wait’ she instructs me and I nod obediently like a child on her first day of school . I am so nervous and I have no idea what awaits me. He said it would be painful. What will? I shudder at the thought. 'When you get in the room, I need you to change and just wear a chitenge, then wait for us to call you again OK? You will then be given some medication to help numb the pain during the operation.' Operation? I open my eyes wide at hearing those words. I am absolutely frightened. I was comforted by Mutale's choice of words ' clean' as opposed to operation. 'There are four other women in the room waiting for the same operation. Since it will only be four of you, you can bet it will be over quickly and you might not have to stay in all night if you do not want to'.
'Chichi can you stay with me please?'
'No she cannot come in with you just yet but she can come in after 5 minutes'.
There is the sudden sound noise of someone running down the hallway coming towards the waiting room. The running comes to a halt and a man shouts my name 'Lanie!' I turn and look over my shoulder at the entrance and see Ryan being intercepted by Jay and Mutale. 'Lanie!' He shouts again but I tell the nurse I do not wish to see him and only want my best friend with me. The nurse gets up and begins to walk me to my room with Chichi. The room is not at all far from the entrance and I can hear the nurse trying desperately to explain to Ryan why he cannot come in just yet. Ryan is fuming and Mutale sounds like he is trying to calm him down.
'Guy you need to calm down because she is in a delicate state right now'
'In a… hmmm…in delicate state huh! And why are you here? Why are you always around?!' Ryan shouts. It sounds like the waiting room has a few more people now trying to diffuse the situation. I cannot believe he is here! The damn nerve! 'Why is it that every time I turn around you are around? With my woman?' I can imagine Ryan heaving and towering slightly over Mutale. He is much more hence than Mutiz and when angry can be very frightful.
'Well someone has to be!' Mutale shouts back. The room I have been asked to stay in has four other women in it who get up from their beds and stand in the hallway watching the drama unfold. Chichi and I follow and watch. I do not have the energy to tell grown men to behave themselves. I should have been doing that with my baby not them. 'I have been with Lanie the whole time because you never seem to be around! The phone is not enough Ryan!'
'I did not ask for your help though did I?' Ryan grabs hold of Mutale's shirt and Jay tries to pry them apart to no avail. 'I did not ask you to be there or take over in my absence. She is my woman not yours so why are you here? Why? I no longer even know if the baby is mine anymore because every time I call it is you who is there! Ninshi? Why can't you just find your own woman??!'
'BECAUSE I LOVE HER!!' What? Love? Oh shit. This will not be good. The whole area falls quiet. All eyes on Mutale. I am absolutely stunned. Ryan puts Mutale down and looks at me down the hallway. I look away wiping tears from my eyes. I am so frail and tired.
'AAAaaargh!!!!' Ryan throws one big hefty punch and then another at poor Mutale.
'Ryan stop it! Stop it' I scream running after them. 'Stop this now! When I get to the door, Mutale is throwing another punch at Ryan and the male nurse are forcing them apart without success. Ryan is full of venom and thrusts his head like a bull into Mutale. He picks him up like a rugby player and rums him into the wall rendering him unconcious. It is all too much! People grab Ryan, and a nurse rushes to Mutale and I….I just black out.
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