Bigger than Love 13

 
Bigger Than Love
They say that Men do not listen to words and that what they respond to is no action. It is one hundred percent accurate. Nag a man and he runs a mile. When you do not nag anymore, he hunts you down. We are so wired differently. When I nag it shows I still care but he gets fed up. When I don't nag anymore, he works hard to get my attention. I have recently redirected all my attention from Ryan to Mutale. Instead of insisting he focuses on us, I have decided to focus on myself. Needless to say that this has caused Ryan to pay more attention on me.

I finish tidying the house and get ready to go out and spend some time with Mutale. Gosh, I am worn out! Last week we went to Lusaka playhouse and other times we have just enjoyed the usual walks and make a mockery of taking a romantic stroll in the dust or gone to the cinema? But why do good girls like bad guys? Mutale is awesome and he very much fun but my heart only beats for him a short while then I long for Ryan. I cannot bring myself to even as much as allow for lingering kissing moments to become something.

Daddy and I are in a good place too for the moment. He is convinced that I am not pregnant and is keen for Ryan's people to come and see him. The only one sceptical is me. I am especially grateful that as promised by Bana Chola, the nightmares have ceased and I have been sleeping like a baby. She did tell Mimi that I needed to attend their church last Sunday but I was already out when Mimi arrived with the news. Wait....that feels odd. I feel something trickle in my pants as though I have done a little wee. Lubuto has been so well behaved of late that I even forget I am pregnant sometimes until we engage in our little daily chats.
I adjust myself a little and get ready to go and shower. I feel so uncertain. So anxious as if something bad is about to happen.

Last time I felt this way something did happen. I fell pregnant. I should not be feeling this anxious. Aunty has been so supportive and calls me everyday to check up on me and so far Lubuto is happy. 'Don't worry Lanie...you got this' I tell myself as I head to the bathroom.

[Text- Ryan] ' Hey baby cakes, how are my two favourite people? I know I have not been the best but I have heard and acted on everything you said last time. I will make a better life for us I promise. Big daddy loves you guys'. Sure I will believe that when I actually see it for instance when he shows that I come first that includes dates, flowers the whole shebang not excuses like 'Zambian guys don't do dates. Closest you get is the pub or watching football'. Erhm first of all he is not just any Zambian guy he is meant to be my beautiful chocolate mbuzi braaiing Zambian man and secondly if that is a date according to Zambian standards then he best date his mates. Ain't nobody got time to be looking beautiful whilst watching a match or sitting in drunken areas. No way no how, Mac is not bought for them occasions. Mutale and I go where I want to go and do what I want to do. That my friend is being number one.

I look longingly at the water filled with bubbles and cannot wait to dive in and relax. Ouch....another slight pain in my lower abs and another trickle. I drop my pants and there it is.....Just as I feared. Blood. Drops of blood. My brain stops and I think my heart just stopped too.

Copyright © Chisanshi Malama 2013.