Then why do I still feel dirty? I feel like I have not had a bath for like forever. I feel like I need to scrub the Trevor off of me. Thandie has packed all her stuff and is excited about us going to camp. I am only half listening to what she is saying and not paying particular attention to her. I can only think of how to get myself to be clean again. I just sit in the back of the car and listen to her ramble on about camp.
Something stirs in me. I can’t get the dirty feeling off me and I definitely still want to be a virgin. I do not want to be a secondary virgin because it is somehow not quite as special as Thandie is. Thandie has never had anyone hurt her. Thandie is like the Virgin Mary. That means that if God wanted to have another baby, he would not choose me because I am not a Virgin. I am filthy. Sort of like the way we get dirty after playing hide and seek and hiding in the crevices of some old storage room or some bush behind the mango tree. When we come home mama is always furious about how messy we are. ‘Look at you! You look like you are wearing socks when it is just mud you are covered in! No amount of rain can wash you clean. Ewo!! Even your hair has been hiding worms. Do you know how much Geisha costs for you to be getting this dirty?’ she would say throwing her hands up in frustration. Sometimes her chitenge would start to fall in anger too and she would have to send her hands flying down instantly to tie it and almost in the same movement grab me along with her to go and take a bath.
That dirt is easy to get clean. This dirt feels different. It feels more like it is inside. It feels like I should wash myself inside. I will have to use something long enough to pour water inside myself. Gosh I hate Thandie. I hate her so much right now. Don’t ask me why. I just do.
The car pulls up outside our house and meets Bana Kulu Themba at the gate making her way to our house as usual. Her small compact bum sticks up quite high in the air because of the way she stoops low. Mama says she walks like this because she is an old woman. I think it is because she is a witch. Even her skin under her arm hangs like a wing. Chisanga says this is what she uses to fly at night but in the day she is too tired to fly so she just hops along.
‘Mulishani mayo (hello mayo)’
‘Balishani mkwai’ she responds gathering her chitenge in the manner that she is already used to. She gives me the creeps that’s for sure. She repeats the greeting in my direction and I am taken aback for her greeting me like I am an adult. Thandies mum also looks slightly shocked but does not say anything.
‘Awe kaili nabakula ba mayo (she is grown up)’ she says amidst chuckles. Thandie and I excuse ourselves and proceed with our bags to the kitchen. We find Trevor in the kitchen packing food into mama’s food basket. I freeze in the door way then he turns around. Somehow my legs cannot move and my voice is stuck in its voice box. Trevor turns around and sees us in the doorway, licks his lips and says ‘hello beautiful’. I feel sick and that’s when Bana Kulu walked in with Thandies mother.
‘Girls go to your room. We need to talk to Trevor. Shey call your mother for me eh’
I feel a flood of relief take over me. Chisanga intercepts me in the doorway and picks me up. At eleven I am still very light and tiny more like a paperweight. I am so glad to see my big brother and I hug him tightly. ‘Please don’t make me go with Trevor to camp’ I whisper.
Thandie goes past me to the sitting room where mama is sitting with my cousin Queen. Clara is also busy getting things ready and discussing something with papa. Chisanga puts me down and looks at me seriously. ‘OK this is serious. I have never known anyone hate someone so much. You know you can tell me anything right? I am your big brother and I will protect you’ he says beginning to tickle me. ‘That’s better! I even forgot how nice you could smile. Here, go see your cousin queen. She has been waiting all night for you’
‘Shey! Did I not say call your mother?’ Bana Kulu Themba shouts from the kitchen.
‘Mama! They are calling you!’ I say avoiding my mother. I do not want to talk to her because I know she will start asking me questions and right now I do not think I am strong enough to answer. I also know that I am about to get a telling off for hollering at my mother instead of going to talk to her properly.
My first decision is to go and get clean. I dash off straight to the bathroom with Queen and Thandie. I will get them to help me scrub.
Queen fills the water up whilst telling us about her holiday in Belgium with her dad. My uncle is a lawyer and works a lot. The only time anyone gets to see him including Queen, is around the school term. She shows off that she has been horse riding and that it was such a big animal! ‘It almost kicked me because I was standing right behind it. I could have been dead you know’
‘My daddy says I will go to be going as well next term. I got some toys in my corn flakes as well’ Queen rolls her eyes and puts her hand on her waist. Queen is a bit older than us. She is already 12 years old and her breasts are coming out already. Her mum says she will be getting those bras from Pep soon because she is a big girl now.
The water fills up in the Shomeka (bucket) and I get into the bath instead of the Shomeka. ‘Why are you not getting into the Shomeka?’ Queen asks.
‘Because I need to get clean properly’ besides I do not want to be dumped in there the way Trevor does.
‘OK. Let me wash your back.’ I could not care less about the water on my back. I need to wash inside. I let Queen wash my back and Thandie sits down talking about how she wants to go to Belgium for Christmas. She is so jealous of Queen right now.
‘Queen, are you like the Virgin Mary?’
‘Well yes. I am a virgin. Mummy says I will marry a prince one day.’
‘Queen what is a virgin?’ Thandie says with a seriously quizzical look on her face. I hate how she just takes over every question. Queen ignores her and continues to wash my back.
‘Queen you take a bucket of water and wash me properly please?’
‘I am washing you properly.’
‘No you are not! No you are not!’ I say getting frustrated and pushing the Shomeka. Some water splashes on Queens face. She is not in the slightest bit impressed.
‘Stop being so annoying or else I will call aunty to punish you’ the thought of aunty just vexes me and I scream
‘I want you to wash me!!!!!Wash me!!!’ she tries to restrain my hands as Thandie gets up off the floor frightened. She stands a bit closer to the door ready to make an exit if something goes down. I love Queen but she is not helping right now. She is annoying me. So I tell her she has to take a cup and pour water inside my peepee.
‘What why? You cannot do that!’
‘Then go away!!!’ I scream and when she hesitates, I jump out and grab hold of her hair and pull with all my might. Queen screams and tries to push me off but her hands are slippery from the soap. Queen slips and falls and bangs her chin of the edge of the bath. Her lip starts bleeding and then there is a knock on the door but I refuse to let go. Mama bangs on the door demanding to know what is going on. Queen shouts that I am fighting and mama demands once more that the door be opened. Thandie gladly obliges and swings the door open for mama who rushes straight us and grabs hold of my scrawny hands. Behind her Bana Kulu comes in and the sight of her scares me and I let go.
Queen is crying because my little hands are filled with a chunk of her hair. Bana Kulu Themba tells Queen to go to Thandies mum.
‘Shey just what do you think you are doing? What do you think you are doing? Do you want me to smack you?’ I cry and cry and cry and fail to get any words out. How do I explain to mama that she cannot possibly hurt me more? I am as ruined as the clay dolls Janet and I make. If I am not a virgin it means that Janet is not either. She has not been back to our house since and this makes me cry even so much that I am shaking.
‘Thandie and Queen, go to the sitting room and sit with Chisanga’ mama orders. She gets me out of the bath as Thandies mum and Bana Kulu Themba walk into the bathroom.
‘Why did you hit your cousin Shekinah?’ usually when mama says my full name it means that she is terribly cross with me.
‘I wanted her to wash me’
‘Shey you are a big girl and you wash yourself so why were you asking her to wash you and then you hit her on top of it?’
‘She was not doing it right!’
‘How was she supposed to do it? You do not go around fighting and hitting people! Do I hit you when you are naughty?’
‘Well you let Mrs Mwalubemba hit me and you let her cut my hair and you keep leaving me home alone with aunty and I hate Trevor but you won’t listen!!’ I scream.
Mama is quiet now. It is almost as though she does not know what to do or say. She just puts a towel around me and then Thandies mum speaks.
‘Honey why did you really hit your cousin?’ this woman has a way of digging information out of me that makes me powerless and obedient.
‘I wanted her to wash me inside with a jar of water. Inside my peepee. She wouldn’t do it so I got mad at her’
‘Why did you want her to do that? You know you cannot do that’ mama looks on wondering what on earth is going on. Bana Kulu keeps quiet.
‘I want to be a virgin again….’ I mumble.
‘A what!!How do you know about that?’
‘Trevor has turned your baby into a woman’ Bana Kulu Themba reveals…
No comments:
Post a Comment