Mens Secret Cries - All is well that ends well 2

'Are you going to stay in Luanshya or what?' Linda asked guiltily. She averted her eyes from the man she had grown to love so dearly. There was never a right time to say goodbye. It felt wrong to remind him that her time was up and that her journey had to continue. How could she leave him when the pain he was in was so real? it had barely been a week since her dear friend passed. Her body was not even yet cold in the ground. Linda struggled with the uncomfortable vibe that could be cut with a knife. She shuffled a little on the bed and sat on her hands to stop them from trembling.

Bwembya sat up and stretched his body as though he was determined to get rid of his limbs and exist in his own arena. He slowly dragged  his head in her direction.

'Are you late for your Livingstone trip?' he rasped at her. The voice had not been heard in a week. it startled her to note that it could still make a noise. She shyly nodded and fought with the tension that was noting her stomach. A hand rested on her cold shoulder and pulled her in closer. The hand turned her face towards the man she loved. She longed to kiss the pain away and hold him.

'I am so sorry but I will have to leave and go for work. I did not know how else to ask. You know I am rubbish with choosing the right words.  I don't know what you need right now or how I can make things better but I do know that I would like to swap places with you just to ease the pain. Just to take on your burden. I feel your pain but I know it is no where near the extent that you feel it. I am sorry baby...'

'I know. Don't be sorry because it is not your fault. You are everything I need. I have everything that I need right he and now.' He took her face in his hands and kissed her longingly. She gasped as she was consumed by his determined tongue. He softly pulled away and looked her in those big brown wet eyes. 'Would you like me to stop?' he rasped. Her eyes still closed, she tilted her head and leaned it on his warm hand. She felt at home in his arms. Completely safe. More than she had ever felt in her entire life. This must be what was meant by being in love. There had never been anything that had ever come close to this feeling of utopia. A foreign concept in her lonely world. When she did not answer, his mouth devoured her again passionately. Chris was long forgotten. There was no doubt in her heart that his mouth was where it belonged and when it explored her neck, she let it discover her weak spots without a fight. The first time since they had been together, their minds and souls where intertwined.

In that moment there was no more need for talking. No more need to dwell on the pain. She had fought away the debris that was now attempting to keep them apart. He was a master yet her naive mind had always believed that he was innocent. His lips rested weightlessly upon hers and gently but determinedly made their intentions known. His hands began to roam softly over her and reminded her to pull back. This was not the answer. This was not what he needed. He needed to be alone.

'Baby this is not what you need. You need to heal.'

'And what better way to heal than with you?'

'Yes but about when I head back home what is going to happen?'

'You are not leaving me here. You are going to Livingstone and then coming back right here to me.'

'In Luanshya?'

'No in my arms. I had to be here for the funeral but I have requested to be transferred back to Lusaka.'

'Right but stop with the caressing and let us talk a moment.'

'Life is too short for constant talking.'

'Well if you want to be with me then you need to learn to address things and not just leave them hanging.'

'Dammit Linda! What do you want me to do?  I have lost Tasha but I have made my mind up not to lose you but it is like you are always doubting me? Why do you not trust me?'

'Baby I trust you but that is not an excuse that you can use every time you want to avoid confrontation. Just relax. I am right here.'

Bwembya opened the drawer of his bedside table. Great he was avoiding issues again She hated it when he did that but she knew she had to be patient with him. He turned round to face her again holding something in his hand.

'I know you think I have been a bit distant lately. I just wanted to be sure about things and I never meant for any of it to ever hurt you but stupidly as a man I manged to mess things up anyway. I am not proud of the pain I put you through but with everything I am and everything we have been through as friends, I have no doubts that it is you I want in my corner everyday of my life. You are my ka besty, my honey honey, my sugar sugar and my everything. I want everyone to know how I feel about you not just as my girl but as my wife....'

'Bwembya what are you on about? Are you saying what I think you are saying?' she quipped in a tremor. He opened his hand and brought out a magnificent ring.

'It belonged to my mother. It was the most precious thing she had given me to give the one who would carry my name, my family and be the main woman in my life. Linda baby, as I kneel down in this miserable room, please say you will do me the honors of extending your full of gestures finger that has loved and cussed me to the earth and back and let me wife you like we were meant to be.'

Silence.

'Please say something. Is it the timing? I have told your mother and Sandra and we have their blessings. Please say you will.'

'When did you have time to do all that?'

'See I told you you doubt me too much. But that is one of the many reasons I love you. You dont let me off the hook easily.'

'Yes....baby. The answer is a full and uncompromisable yes.'

Bwembya pulled her into his arms and sealed the love with a kiss that would bind them forever. The anxiety he had felt all week was not due to the funeral. It was the fear of losing yet another of his loved ones. The struggles and emotional dramas had been worth it to get this one. She was his and he was comforted.

Mens Secret Cries- All's well that ends well

Bwembya watched as the frail woman lay in front of him refusing to go to the hospital. The walls closed in on them as they sat waiting for the inevitable. What they all knew was coming at a painfully slow pace. She was not the sister he had always known. In her place lay a small child desperate to be held. The anguish kicked at him as he built the courage once more to look at her. How could things have gone so terribly wrong in such a short space of time? Was it his fault for not paying more attention than before? Had he been so wrapped up in his own world that he did not even seem to notice that his sister was taking a turn for the worse?

'Come closer,' a chilly voice erupted from her throat. Unsure of whether to move, Bwembya waited for her husband to take a step closer. She shook her head. a bony finger pointing at Bwembya. She had the life sucked right out of her. He had thought she looked small before but the coat she was always wearing and long hair deceived him. The hurried way in which she scurried around in a a desperate bid for Siphiwes blood had made it impossible for anyone to see any changes in her health. Not any real ones anyway. 'I am sorry,' she managed.

'Tasha don't. You better not die on me or you will have something to be sorry about.'

'How you going to crack jokes now? It is my time she smiled,'

'No sis. I am a man. Do not leave me here crying. I will not be able to be strong. Why did you not tell anyone things were so bad?'

'Baby - let her rest. Let her say what she needs to,' Linda rubbed his back and sat on the bed beside her friend.

'Promise me that you will make an honest woman of her and  tell Siphiwe I am sorry for threatening her life,'

'You did what?' Bwembya exclaimed. Threatened her life? What was Tasha talking about? She could not have been responsible for what he heard happened to Siphiwe. The woman was left so traumatised that she never dared utter a word about her perpetrator.

'I did it. She knows I did it but I just want her to know I am sorry.' Tasha coughed twice and then summoned her husband to her side. Her bony hand held his tightly as water rolled down in little droplets down her cheeks. 'I know you have always doubted my heart, but never forget that I loved you so much. I had to expel past demons but all of me wishes I had more time to show you how I appreciate and love you. If you must remarry, make sure it is not Siphiwe or her incarnate....I...I -' coughs splurted out, eyes rolled back as she made her way to meet her maker. The room fell silent for a moment. Bwembya shook her a few times before crashing his entire being on her body. His bleeding soul poured desperate life on a motionless body. He was alone in this world. With no sister to run to or confide in.

Alone.

That felt wrong on all counts. He could not envision a life without her. How could everything fall apart so easily. So quickly. How could no one have told him she needed him?

'Baby, it is well. God knows what he is doing.'

'Do not tell me about that right now,' he growled. 'I know he has his reasons but what could be the justification for this?' he shouted sending small stool flying through the bedroom window. Linda backed away in fear as Tasha's husband reassured her. He calmly sat down beside his wifes bed and held her hand.

'I would like to be alone with my wife please,' he said without looking at anyone. Bwembya shot out of the room and slumped himself onto the sofa. Soon as he was happy, he was broken again. Linda crawled cautiously after him.

'Baby, i know you feel alone right now but I am here. We have been through so much together and we will keep on going through everything together but you are not alone. I am here. If you need to scream or whatever you need to do to feel better, I will still be here waiting on you to reach out to me and to God. I am here. I am your family. I love you.'

He pulled her in close and broke down on her shoulder in violent sobs that Linda had never witnessed before. It was the end of a sad era but the beginning of a fresh life. She could think of no better place for him to lay his head and be comforted. The maid took the children out of the house to the park knowing what had just happened. It would give them time to pull themselves together and make the right arrangements.

He was her man. She was his woman. His cries need not be secret anymore. Not in her arms.
 

Mens Secret Cries- Not without me

'Is Linda in?' I asked the burley guy at the front door. He stroked his jacket and put on his shades in a carefree manner like he had all the time in the world before bothering to respond to me.

'yes she is. You need something?'

'Who is it Anderson?' Linda shouted out from inside. 'I just have to put my shoes on then I will be out. I finally decided to wear the trainers after all. Man I cannot be bothered to be fighting with the mud i tell you.' Funny she sounded much happier than I was led to believe. She did not sound like someone whose heart was breaking.

'The last time I checked, the lil lady did not want any visitors,' Anderson shot at me.

'I am not just any visitor. I am her -'

'Bwembya! What are you doing here? How did you know I would be here?' Linda interrupted as she got closer to the door. The Guy leaned in even closer to claim my territory.

'I came to see you. You left in such a hurry but it looks to me that you are already moving on,'

'Whatever. What can I do for you?'

'Can we talk outside please?'

'Anderson give us a minute please,'

'Sure. Let me know if you need me,' her bouncer said without as much as giving me a way out with that stare of his. A hand enough to hold five children grabbed her by the waist inching her closer to him. A fiery pit in my stomach promised to expel its bowels on him. I loathed the self control that resided in me. she widened her lips as he planted a soft petal like kiss on her forehead and marched back inside.

'So that is my replacement is it?'

'Who he is is none of your business. The way I see it, I don't owe you any explanation. At least you friend has finally got the message.

'What is it that you want me to do to prove that I love you and only you Linda? For goodness sake, I think I have pulled out all the tricks in the book that I can master!'

'I don't have time for this. I am about to leave for  Livingstone so...deuces,' She said turning to give me her back and strut back into the house. Without thinking, I placed my foot in between the door to wedge it open.

'No way are you going anywhere with that clown!' I exclaimed.

'Don't you have somewhere you need to be?'

'If I did I would be there right now. I am where I want and need to be. We are going to talk about this and no more drama!'

'Are you still friends with Chris?'

'Yes because I do not have a problem with him! I have a problem with you focusing all our energy on the details of how close he and I are!'

'That is silly. I am not concerned about any of that! You are the one that swings between us like a pendulum hence making it a problem!'

'Oh so you decide to hang out with schwartznegro to teach me a lesson?'

'No. I am done teaching you a lesson. I am moving on for myself and my own peace of mind.'

'Not without me you are not. You are not living without me nor are you leaving without me!' I grabbed hold of her  wrist and dragged her off the doorstep.

'Bwembya, let go of me. This is ridiculous. you are making a fool of yourself.'

'Linda for a minute can you just listen to what I have to say.'

'Fine you have one minute. Make it snappy.'

'I cannot make it snappy. Just knowing that you were heading the other way in my life instead of where you need to be left me breathless. I could not breathe. I have not even showered. I have forfeited my job when you know i never ever miss work but this is more important to me and yes I have taken you for granted but its the inevitable stupidity of men to get ahead of ourselves when we should know better. I have loved you for the longest time. Your place in life is beside me. you know how you can never go to bed alone. Well I think I have a permanent solution for that if you will have me.' She looked away as a tear threatened to expose her secret that her heart was still with me.

'Bwembya you have been my best friend for like forever and I said yes to being with you because I believed with all my heart that you would never hurt me. You knew everything about me and maybe, maybe that was my weakness. I should have never left myself open like a book to you. I know you think I was weak with Chris and yes I was but I am not that woman anymore. I am not just any woman to you. I am your best friend so how dare you treat me like garbage!' Her voice trembled as her words grabbed at my heart strings.

'I know baby. Nothing will ever tear me away from you again. Just give me another chance. You know my word is my bond and I don't just know what came over me. I promise I will honor you the way God intended. I love you, so much I think I love you more than I love myself. You are my world woman,' I tilted her cute chin towards my face and caressed it with my thumb.   A resilient tear finally escaped along a track on her face. She had never looked more beautiful. I kissed her eyelids one by one. A silent promise of the love I was to dedicate to her. 'I will never hurt you like that again. All I want to do is be with you and I will give my right hand to be right with you baby. Believe that I will. Now who is that James Bond looking dude? God you move with power! Couldn't you get a gardener?'

'Silly. Anderson is Julies brother. He is married and was just going to take me to Livingstone because he has a conference there. Sort of killing two birds with one stone.' She smiled playfully and took my palm in hers placing a comforting kiss upon it.

'So may I take you to Livingstone?'

'Oh gee I don't know, you best ask Mr Bond.'

'Girl don't play like that. I wanted to kill him just seeing that hand on your lower back.'

'I love you Bwembya. Even when you want to act like a spoilt brat.'

'I love you too baby girl. Lets get going shall we?'

Anderson came out and flashed a wealthy smile as he headed to the Range and snapped his fingers fro the houseboy to open the gate.

'You need to keep her close to you if you don't want to lose her man. She is a power ball.' My phone rang and interrupted  the perfect moment.

'Hello Bwembya it's your secretary. It is about your sister.....'

Mens Secret Cries- Moving on

I threw the remote at the TV. What can I say it was the only thing in my vicinity that could express my anguish. The tears I had harbored for so many years came tumbling down violently. Cries were no longer secret. They were as loud and angry as a hungry new born. I had lost her. How could I have been so stupid? To make her think that any of what we had was a lie?How did I manage all that in less than a week?

To be honest, every single time I thought she was going to leave,  I got the feeling that she was not being serious but the look on her face this morning suggested different. I have to find her.

'Julie, Julie thank God,' I panicked after Julie picked her phone on the third ring. 'No please don't hang up!'

'What do you want now Bwembya? I am tired of this drama between you two. I have better things to do with my time.'

'I know but I could really use your help and this is the last time I promise. Just tell me where she is,'

'I wish I could but you know what your girl is like. She will have my head.'

'I know but you and I both know I messed up,'

'Have you been crying? Your voice sounds wet.'

I ignore the comment but i am fully aware that she can hear the tremor in my throat which is proving harder to hide by the minute. Just wish she did not have to complicate issues further. As though reading my mind, she heaves and decides to release me from the pressure of hiding the tears.

'She is at my house but I am not sure that today is the best time to see her. You have really hurt her Bwembya I mean seriously! How could you fail to tell her you love her back instead you lay there and query what Chris did to her? what the hell were you trying to prove man?'

'Julie I know. I messed up big time really I did but I cannot....I cannot breath without her. I hate breathing without her. The mere thought that I may never see her again....Julie please. I am dying without her,'

'I am not the one you should be telling that. You should find her but only go for her if you are sure that she is who you want. For real.'

'Thanks. I will.' With a bolt of hope racing through my veins I put my act together and took to the road. Nothing was going to keep me from her again. I blasted Aaron Neville 'I'm gon love you even if my heart would break' as the car eased through the great east road towards my woman. The closer I got, the more I felt nervous. She had every reason not to take me back but I prayed relentlessly for divine intervention. Moments later I was parked outside Julies home. The big silver gate blocked any view of the interior. I hooted twice and the gates swing open. A young man of about 18 opened the gate in ankle swingers and a tattered t-shirt that hang off his shoulder.

'Is anyone home?' I asked him in Nyanja. He nodded in agreement. The garden was decorated by an expensive Range Rover facing the front of the house. I got out slowly and contemplated whether or not to call her first. It is probably better to just get on out and face her without giving her a reason to block me out. A range rover? That is something new. I never thought for  second that Julie was doing so well. I head over towards the front door and hear a couple of voices laughing and giggling. Before I  rap on the door, a tall handsome guy steps out the door looking like a black James Bond.....