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Living in Fear wrecks havoc in relationships

I am convinced that the beauty of any woman, a phenomenal woman lies in the confidence she has and the way she carries herself. The legendary writer Maya Angelou has made a perfect depiction of how this woman carries herself in her poem ‘phenomenal woman’[1]. The focus is not on her beauty or any material items that adorn her but on the inner beauty that radiates to the world and consequently to the men she attracts.  She simply has that ‘Je ne sais quoi’ vibe about her person but most importantly she does not wait for someone to validate her.
I want to talk today about some of the reasons why this woman is lost today. How can we get her back and even better how can we apply her to our character?
Before we are quick to judge the media on their versions of a confident woman we must remember that they have a duty to entertain and provide an escape from arduous reality to fantasy world. We see women caked in makeup and stilettos and endless jewellery. This they say is the perfect remedy to provide you that flawless look the perfect man and to live happily ever after.  On the other end of the spectrum we see that despite this make up and buckets of shoes, when the mask comes off the flaws are still there.
How do we fix it? We run from one mask to the next.  We invest in relationship books hoping that this will erase the fear we live in. Fear of abandonment that plagues most women. The fear that you might just not be good enough and that no matter how much you give, eventually he will tire of you and find someone who does it better (if you even know what ‘it’ is). Fear that he is seeing another woman or the fear that with the high divorce rate your case will not be any different.
Whatever the reason for the fear I believe that like any other emotion it is finite. It can be trained so that you can live your life the way God intended for you to live with pride and dignity.
Abandonment
There a lot of reasons why women experience this emotion. This may be due to a parental figure not being present as a child or simply a bad experience with a past relationship. Undoubtedly this can have a bad effect of confidence and feeling secure. To be a strong woman means having the strength to look honestly at what your worries are and being able to confront them. You need to accept that these are your worries and may not be a real picture of your partner’s feelings. I find that writing how I feel and why, I am able to respond less emotionally for to fears that my partner may not even understand (you know men are from mars after all. Logic is a woman’s worst enemy and his best friend=) ). This is powerful stuff because you allow yourself to step out of the emotional zone and identify the real source of your anxiety. It also stops you from punishing your partner for an event that wounded you in the past. If you still feel anxious after this exercise then share this with him but caution. ... Men hate the can we talk speech. Instead let him know that you would like to talk and he does not have to fix anything you would just like him to listen. This way he does not feel you are blaming him for your fear and makes it safe to have a discussion.
You should accept that things do not always work out how we want them but be open minded because the minute you let fear take over, you will only attract negative sentiments that will bring the abandonment fear to fruition.
I am not good enough
You earned the right to slap yourself into sense! I am willing to bet that when you met he saw you as good enough but you also saw yourself as worthy. You were not hiding behind the makeup even though you were wearing some. You were simply yourself and having a good time. He was attracted to you wasn’t he? Yes now he may be developing a wondering eye but why should that be a reflection on you? You cannot control what he does but you can be woman enough to stand for what you believe and that’s the beauty that will not only earn his respect but eradicate this nonsense theory that you are not good enough. Drop this story and embrace yourself. People can only love you as much as you love yourself. If you think you are not worthy then kudos to you! You earned yourself a life in misery. Love yourself and respect yourself “you must be the change that you wish to see in the world”[2]stop punishing yourself for things you cannot control. Moreover if you love yourself and him and he still wonders then he is not worthy of you. Do not let fear of being alone allow you to compromise the virtues instilled by our mothers. Be a phenomenal woman[3]always.
It is sad to see so many beautiful women so afraid of being alone that they forget that they are queens through and through. In the past a cheating man had his ways because divorce was frowned upon but also because women had no way of supporting themselves without a man. Today however get your priorities right. If you cannot find peace in your own home do not compromise everything just to have someone tell you that they love you. Beware of Aids and other diseases. Are these really worth it just for those three words? Love yourself and use your nurturing skills wisely. Be patient and wait for the right man. How will you know? No matter what you face he is the man that will be patiently egging you on, your rock, your cornerstone that will be mesmerised by the confident you just the way you are. Now that is worth the wait even if I have to die waiting. God bless you and remember he has not given us a spirit of fear[4]but of power and love and of self discipline. Run not from the teachings of the bible they give us the peace we need to live honest enriching lives.





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