I insist on being discharged and when all the necessary paper work has been filled out, my brother, Chichi and I head on out for home. In the car, my brother tells me that he had informed daddy that I was at the hospital.
‘You what?!’
‘I had to tell him Lanie, I did not know what to do and may I say your life right now is pretty damn messy.’
‘Oh my goodness, but daddy thinks I was not pregnant what am I going to do? He is going to kill me!’
‘He is not going to kill you but I had to tell him because I did not know whether you would come out of that alive. You were screaming so much I and I was completely beside myself I ….. I am sorry alright but I had to tell him.’
‘So where is he now?’
‘He said he was with aunty by Chris corner about five minutes ago.’
Silence like a virus spreads among us. No one says anything more the whole drive home. I have never had so much drama in my life. So much in one day. When we get home, Mwila is already in bed. The house is dead silent apart from the loud fear that hangs amongst us. I am not looking forward to talking to daddy because it is going to be messy. Especially if he is with aunty.
Chichi says her goodbyes and we thank her for the support. I cannot confront daddy alone and I feel I need to be with someone tonight. Of course tonight Mutale is not an option. I have not got any response from any messages that I have left him. Ryan on the other hand keeps blowing up my phone. It is funny how the minute you like someone that is the minute they like someone else.
My hands are trembling. Perhaps if I just pretend to be sleeping, daddy and aunty will not ask me to wake up. I get into bed and curl up holding my phone close to my chest.
Before I can even have a chance to fall asleep, I hear the gate open and roughly and daddy’s car comes through the gate ferociously. He parks it right outside my window and dashes into the house. The back door is still open and him an aunty come in at the same time.
I stay still in bed. I do not move a muscle not even attempt to breath. My stomach is in knots making all sorts of magical twists and turns that I never even thought possible.
Whispers are exchanged in the kitchen. Every now and then I hear my father mutter ‘aarrgh-‘ he is furious but aunty is trying to contain him. What is the matter I wonder? Is he going to have my head?
Soon enough I find out. Daddy and aunty knock on my door. They do not even wait for the response, they simply allow themselves entry. Of course what else could I expect, it is his house as we are so often told by African parents.
The expression on my aunt’s face is carefree. It shows complete disapproval. Shows that what I have done ‘te mwambo’. It shows that she has already made up her mind about what crime I have committed and the sentence that is supposed to be accorded to me. I am just not sure what it is yet.
Daddy walks in looking smart as ever. He greets me then sits on the stool by my mirror his face downcast whilst my aunty sits beside me on my bed with her arms folded. I cannot begin to imagine how disappointed he is in me and that just makes me want to die. To put an end to all this and leave people in peace.
‘So what happened-‘my aunty asks?
‘I had a miscarriage’ I mumble.
‘Mhm-‘it is obvious that she does not believe me. She turns her face away and that’s when it hits me that she is of the opinion that I got rid of my baby.’Abana ba nomba, mu ponya ponyafye amafumo (youngsters nowadays you just have abortions anyhow). Don’t you know that what you have committed is a sin?’ I am tired I have lost my child, the last thing I need is any form of judgement. By the look on my fathers’ face, I am pretty sure that she has convinced him of the same. I need to find a way to speak to just my father, after all right now, he is the one who matters to me. His opinion matters.
‘Aunty, is it OK if I speak to daddy alone please?’ she is horrified by this request.
‘Ninshi? What can you say to your father that you cannot say to me?’ I looked at her completely lost for words. Was tradition so important to her than my own relationship with my father? Clearly she has no idea how close I am with my father. The last time I broke up with my long term boyfriend, my father was the only one who could comfort me so yes, right now he is the one I must speak with.
My aunty shoots daddy one quizzical look and then he finally speaks. ‘Do you want to speak to me right now or tomorrow?’ I do not realise it but tears are rolling down my cheeks again.
‘I would really like it if I could speak with you now alone please.’ Daddy asks aunty to leave us. This is against what he believes in but he makes this exception for me. I begin to apologise to him for all the mess and all the anguish and the lies but he cuts me short. I have never seen my father look so exhausted and I am angry with myself that I have been the cause of this.
‘Lanie, don’t cry. I am not angry. I am not saying that you had an abortion. If you say that you did not have one then I believe you. I was just worried that is all. Imagine the whole day I thought you were fine, then your brother calls me to tell me you are in hospital! The information I was given was limited and I was beside myself with rage.’
‘Dad, I am sorry’ I am so tearful so much that he extends his arms and embraces me. He reassures me that everything will be fine and that I should get a good night’s rest. ‘Your aunty will be here in the morning to help you. There are some things that you need to do when a thing like this happens in our culture’. By this I am sure he means herbs of some sort.
‘Daddy don’t let her give me anything. This is not something I believe in and I would just like to stick with the medication that I have been given at the hospital’.
‘We will talk about this tomorrow’. My father hugs me one more time and tells me he loves me. I know I have hurt him a lot but I also know that he is just glad that I am fine. I give him a hug goodbye and cry myself to sleep. I pray to God Mutiz is fine.
One thing I realise now is that, my father gets super angry with me, he gets livid and even disappointed with me. When it matters most however, he is there. This is what I want in my husband. This is what I need in man. This is how I want to be cared for. Only one man does that for me.
Copyright © 2013 Chisanshi K Malama
All rights reserved.
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