Thursday 19 December 2013

Mercy- Part 3

 Chapter 2




I hate the way this is turning out. I mean it. Do someone a favour and they grow wings. They begin to think that they own you. That is the problem with this world. They do not see what someone has done for them. That little fool is going to ruin things for me if I am not careful. How hard is it to follow instructions? It makes me sick!

‘Taffy, I have to have two more girls in the next two weeks. They need to be at the auction so pick the best ones. Preferably the new one. She is popular among the clients.’

‘Jim darling you know that is not a problem. I will make sure they bring the perfect return.’

‘Of course you never disappoint.’

‘Have you handled the other problem?’

‘It is no longer a problem. As we speak, Gege has gone to the village to get a new girl again – you know, to replace the other one.’

‘As long as you keep Gege on a leash. She has been looking a bit shifty lately – you know – distracted.’ Jim strokes my hair and lifts my chin up to kiss him. This man is so much better than Big Jim. So much better. His whisky breath tantalises me. I flirt with the thought of taking advantage of him but decide against it. My needs will just have to wait. There is more pressing work to be done. Do you see what I was telling you about this woman? I will get to the bottom of it.

‘Jim, she is not a concern. She has just been overwhelmed. I will see to it that she does not ruin the operation.’

‘That is my girl. Jim loves you.’

‘I love Jim.’

Some might think I do not think about others. That I have no compassion or empathy for others. It is true but this maks only slips when I let someone too close. I do not need Jim emotionally nor do I fear taking risks – necessary risks – to propel my ambition. I have one life only anything else is secondary to my existence. Floundering with emotions and the like, leaves you in unwarranted destiny. Living a life that you were never designed for but mere mortals. Mine is of a higher calling. I am the best at what I do and perhaps even breath better than most folks. Too many wander this earth, envying the life of the next person or lamenting about where their lives went wrong. Call me a dark angel – I simply use this information to help them help me. If you do not want your life, I might as well use it. How you respond to it is not my problem.

Bloody Gege is too sensitive. I just have to keep her from the can of worms that is bound to pop open soon and let its foul contents out. I think it is a beautiful tragedy. No doubt she won’t feel the same way. I watch Jim leave out the driveway. Taffy you are heartless she often whines. I have a good mind to send her back to Big John.
The smell of scotch whisky beckons to me. Pouring myself a generous amount, I gulp the horrid drink in one helping. It scorches my throat in bitter episodes the flows warmly down to its destination. My eyes grimace in contention chastising my rebellious body for exposing them to such anguish.  
Slowly, I allow my no slumbering legs to march down the lengthy hallway and up the stairs to the hallway of doom. The pungent scent of vomit still hung resonantly in the air claiming its new domain. This fatal flaw has set us back three days. I told Gege not to get tiny little girls but that crack is always in a world of her own.
Mercy’s room is quiet. Apart from the noise of the ghost next door, nothing else stirs. If I had half the emotions of anxiety or concern that others encounter, I would think she has harmed herself but she is not like that. She is stronger. More determined, like me to succeed even though our ambitions may be different. Her face constantly haunts me reminding me of days gone by. Reminding me of the day my mother killed herself because she could not stand the whining of my baby brother. He had been crying all night long. Nothing she did was good enough. He just carried on bawling, robbing me and mother of my sleep. What else could I do? When she went downstairs, I took the pills that I knew she used to help her sleep. I gave him a couple. Then a couple more. I was six years old at the time, but I knew it would kill him. My mother had told me several times not to take any of the pills. She warned me that if you took too many, you would never wake up.

I took the pills and gave them to the crying noisy bundle. When mum came upstairs, she found me holding the bottle of pills. She looked at the cot and knew instantly why the baby was not making a sound. Now had I been my mother, I would have made me drink the pills and save myself but how would that have looked to her neighbours? They would have queried how two young children got hold of that many pills wouldn’t they? So instead, in between sobs and cussing my soul into eternal damnation, I watched my mother sleep with her baby.

I woke the next morning and neither of them stirred. I let the maid find them. Neighbours had flooded our small house in Mbare that day, crying at the top of their voices. Some sung hymns whilst crying. Others tried to hid their awkwardness by hugging and comforting my soulless being. Why could I not cry like the rest of them? A woman I had known since I was a child sobbed relentlessly.
Mwari what am I going to do? How can you take Chiedza just like that? In the night Mwari wangu?’ she cried out on her knees to her God, questioning him on how she was now going to look after me. I had no father, she cried. ‘What will I do with my friends child my God?’ I never understood why she took it upon herself to take responsibility for me. The little cotton Zambia that was laid on the floor for her comfort, rolled in folds the more distressed she became. My head was flung to and fro with her ardent movements. I just wanted the whole travesty to halt. It was driving me mad. Yet no tears fell from my solid eyes.
Less than a month later, I had been brought to Zambia with her brother and his wife in domestic servitude until I landed in the gracious arms of Big John. Among the haze of ganja and prostitution, I found my calling – and a chained redemption.

So yes. When I look at Mercy, I see the little girl I once was. I also see the monster that she could become. Perfect in this business.


Wednesday 18 December 2013

Mercy part 3



part 3


She was just lying there. Consumed by a pool of her own blood – at least I think it was her own blood. It sprawled all around her small body like someone had just poured a pot of paint around her, except it was not that neat. It was splattered around her with some of it lingering around her lips.

I covered my lips in horror as I tried desperately to hold back the screams that were threatening to escape my mouth once more. Aunt Gege was holding me firmly warning me to shut the hell up. I looked down at the floor again. The girl had chewed her own hand and pieces of flesh were ripped but not torn off. The fear in her eyes  was eminent. As the big eyes met mine, they forced water out of my own in small spurts. Her body was gaunt exposing any part of her body that had bones or knuckles. She was clearly sick and kept coughing up more and more blood. All this seemed  to happen in a short space of time.

The cleaning lady brushed past us nonchalantly with a bucket of water and soap dancing swiftly in her hand. It seemed the sight of so much blood did not bother her one bit. Aunty Gege’s hand pushed the air with her slightly folded fist ordering the other girls to go back to their rooms. They moved backwards into their rooms hoping to catch a last glimpse of what was going on. I seemed to be the only one who was allowed to stay a little longer. Perhaps because I was the new girl. I watched as the maid cleaned the skeleton on the floor.

‘This one is no longer profitable. Get rid of her.’ Ba Aunty  ordered the maid. She did not argue but carried on working. Tears carried on their downwards journey on my face. The water in the bucket had quickly changed to red painting the once white cloth in the maids hands, a dull brown. ‘What a waste of money. We could have raked in $1000 dollars for this one.’ She kicks the girls leg gently to the side and grabs me by the elbow. The bar shuts behind us.

‘Sit down.’ She orders. ‘Why were you screaming like that? We do not do that here do you hear me?’ Her eyes flash a cold glazed icy look. It is as though there is no one in that body. It is like having a robot talk to you.

Her lips move inaudibly for what seems like eternity. I stare at her nodding my head every two minutes in orderly fashion. I appear to hear her but my mind is adamant it wants to stay with the girl on the floor. What were they going to do with her? What did the mean by getting rid of her? Was the maid not disgusted by the way the water smelled of metal and soap? A thick sting pastes my face forcing the bursts of tears to now fall freely.

‘Are you listening to me? If you act like you do not know what this is all about you will find yourself gone like her!’

‘Ba Aunty, I do not understand what you mean…’

‘Don’t you dare talk back at me. You and me is not size do you understand?’

‘Yes ma.’

‘Stupid girl. Do you want to kill yourself because some village idiot wants to bit off her own arm? Is life for you here so bad that you think eating hands is a good idea? Let me tell you something, I have done more for you and your family than you know!’

‘Aunty, I would really like to go home. I am sorry but I would like to go home to mummy.’

‘This is your home now. I have been very patient with you. If you keep talking about that foolishness I will have no choice but to ship you out. She is not even your mother. You are unwanted! Scrum like you do not have any mother in this world that would want to be stuck with you so shut up and deal with what you have. In fact be grateful you did not end up on Big John’s gutting table. I would have sworn that you had more sense than the rest of these. Get ready for your next client.’

She stormed out of the room the deafening silence my only companion. The questions unremittingly flood my thoughts. Sitting on my small bed in the corner of the room, I rest my head in my lap wishing that I could turn back the hands of time. Wishing that the argument with Grandma Nettie had not been so bad, wishing that I could see Mose again and wishing more than anything, that I could pray. I had heard of people praying. I had seen people being prayed for to get Satan out of their bodies. I had even watched as Amake Feki was prayed for when she was very sick that they thought she would surely die. People came from far places to see her. They put their hands on her head and shouted at the top of their voices to get the devil out of her. They wanted to shock him out of her system. Some shouted with their eyes closed that he did not belong there and some pointed with ferocity at her whilst speaking a language I had never heard before and others commanded him out by pushing her head back and forth. Amake Feki looked like a lot of water had been poured all over her body. She was sweating so much. I was not sure if this was the devil leaving or if it was just hot from all the people cramped in one small shack. The air was stale with a stiffness that could be cut with knife!

I had not learnt to pray like that. I was alone. I was alone because of my love for nyama. All I could do was wait for the next man and the next and never see how it helped Ba Aunty. For the first time, I wondered whether I cared about finding Tata or even my real mother. Perhaps if my real mother was around, my life would have been different. But she is not here. I am. i cried into my lap until I fell asleep.

Thursday 14 November 2013

Healing from Cheating

There is so much that we go through as people. When it comes to other challenging issues in life, we tend to move on quickly from the pain. The loss of a loved one can be painful but with time, the wound begins to close up and eventually even the scar and before you know it- you are struggling to remember their face. Do we stop loving them? No but we heal.

The one thing people tend to find difficult to heal or recover from is cheating. Cheating leaves scars that take a lifetime to fade. We tend to carry this scar into the next relationship. Constantly looking over our shoulder wondering if we can trust again or if the pain from that trauma will ever leave us free. Sometimes we punish our new spouse for something that happened with someone else.

This is one issue that fragments couples of any calibre. Money issues, people recover, alcoholism-people endure but bring cheating and the relationship loses all hope of recovery. It becomes a cancer that goes occasionally into remission but rears its ugly head again and makes you question the value of life. Trust is nothing but a mirage, a distant hope that never arrives. You still the cracks in the mirror. Yes you may forgive, but forgetting becomes a whole other issue.

So now you look at him/her as their lies increase trying to cover up any trace of indiscretion but your soul knows- especially as a woman. You see it in your dreams, you feel it in your heart and you - well you just know don't you.

What makes this pain linger for so long? It is because it was something you allowed yourself to become vulnerable to and the person you were supposed to trust with your love and your heart, took advantage of the most precious thing you had to offer and shattered it.

I have been through it and know the pain that it inflicts and the hope it robes you of. Now when I listen to gospel it reminds me of he who is in me. He has plans to heal and prosper me. I say let it be unto him. It is not my job to sit around wondering if a man is trust worthy for in God's infinite love, he always reveals the things that want to harm us. Illness does not hide in the body for long, it is exposed so that there is a chance for treatment. All I have to do is trust God to look out for me. Not man for I am nothing without God. I have no x-ray vision. Even the female intuition that I take pride in, is all by his grace.

So then I make a choice to love and be loved and trust God to bring the right person into my life. If we do things by our own strength that is when we fail miserably. Be it unto me, according to your word, according to your promises I cant stand secure. Carve upon my heart, the truth that sets me free, according to your word oh Lord - be it unto me.

Monday 14 October 2013

Silent wives- chapter 27- Bold and Velvety



‘So have you heard anything back from Dr C?’ I ask at breakfast table while I get ready packing all my little snacks in my bag. It has been a while since I dieted andlet me tell you, all that Debonnaires Pizza at lunch times with the crew isfinally beginning to take its toll on me! The rolls fat collecting around mywaist line are not grounds for playing hard to get and diminish the definition ofwaist line. The rate I am going, I look like a sausage stuffed into a tightplastic!


‘Why would I hearfrom him? Claire asks genuinely confused. ‘He is meant to be busy with Lara notme!’

‘Oh gosh. You trulyare a blonde stuck in the wrong skin aren’t you’ I smile cheekily whilstgrabbing the last bread roll on the counter and stuffing it into my handbag. Itis laced with Polony and sends a divine scent from my handbag. Gosh I don’t knowhow I manage to keep all this hunger satiated! It is amazing that I havemaintained a good size for a while but this is just going all over the place. Perhapsit is the stress of worrying about Claire and her mother. Aunty is still in bedand enjoys the luxury of waking up around nine hours whilst Claire runs around likea headless chicken fetching this that and the other for her.

‘Diana, peoplein glass houses should not throw stones!’

‘Oh spare me! Youare beginning to sound like your mother with all the folktale chat’
She laughs and reshuffles little Daniel on her lap. I have to admit I have become attached tothe little bugger. He is absolutely divine and at least the nurses are notgoing to give us hell this time at the under-five clinic. The last times we have been there, his weight has been down but never up. Except for the time hewas born. My gosh, he was the definition of a bouncing baby boy! At leastduring that time our Mohammed Ali decide it was time out on the boxing. We all thought it was going to get better what with the baby coming and what not. Foolme once shame on you but fool me twice, then I guess I am just a fool for love.Or just a fool really. I grabbed my bag and kissed my godchild goodbye. I justhope that nappy gets changed on time before his mother gets a day dreamy on us.
Today is meantto be a terribly busy day and sitting in my car stuck in traffic is not how I envisioncustomer care! Today is turning out to be a total nightmare! I am meant to behaving a meeting at half past 9 and the one thing I hate is having to runthrough my pitch to a client. With everyone wanting to know about internetbanking, the bank has seen an influx of customers and a smaller workforce! Meaningthe bulk of the workload falls on me. I look at my watch and already startdreading the long drive to Solwezi in the afternoon. Shit! Solwezi! I forgot mysmall suitcase!

‘Beep!’ I accidentallyslam my fist onto the horn pissing off the driver behind me who sets off hishorn in a rampant rage of his own! Yep, Mondays have that effect on people. Finallythe traffic starts moving and steadily flows but without stopping. The heatsaccompanies me uncomfortably inciting beads of sweat to collect in my armpit. Great!As if this could not get any worse and I am in a white blouse! Just charming. Notto mention I am supposed to work with Dominic this morning.

Thirty minuteslater, I arrive at the office and thank goodness for African timing, my clientis not here yet. I head straight to my desk. I figure if there is anything elseoutstanding it will pop its ugly head on my screen. And there she is. Mrs Mwabamy 9:30 arrives at 9 hours instead. How did I forget her unforgivablepunctuality! Thank God the other person has forfeited their slot.

‘Mrs Mwaba howare you?’ I ask her short cute rounded frame. Her glasses weave is in a bobstyle and frames her big cheeks so that she looks almost like a dumpling. She isdressed in a fine African attire that clings to her body and shows off everyfold. It is a wonder she is still able to carry that weight when she is sotiny. I should have known however that her punctuality stems from her living witha white man, or rather cohabiting. She claims she does not want to marry himbased on the trauma from her previous marriage. Yes I know, I thought it wastoo much detail as well. I motion her to a seat in front of my desk and shewiggles her behind with every ounce of grace that she has mastered over theyears.

‘Jerry likes todrop me off early for appointments you understand?’ she says proudly as thoughthe name Jerry is supposed to awaken a fire within me. I smile cordially andset up my computer to go to her account. I do not really have time for chitchat especially listening to her posing the question- you understand after everystatement. ‘It is not easy being married to a muzungu you understand?’

I set off explaining to Mrs Mwaba how to use her e-banking but with all the years ofbeing with a muzungu, her internet knowledge is definitely not understood byher. She stares at me blankly. I begin to run out of patience and think I shouldoffer her another appointment.

‘No I need to understandit today you understand. The thing is my white man will not- well he needs meto know how to manage that money online so that I may transfer money when mykids need it at boarding school.’
Looking at heraccount almost knocks me out of my seat! It is as fat as she is and I bet thatis her pocket money. It hurts me that she only uses it on fabric when there area lot of Gucci’s I can think of buying ta this rate. I am truly gettingfrustrated with her because she does not get anything I am saying.

‘Need any help?’a deep smooth velvety voice says in almost a whisper. I know it too well and I amfamiliar with its egocentric self. Mrs Mwaba turns and looks at the whole lotof him. To her I bet he seems like a giant. I sit up boldly and play his game. Iam no damsel in distress!

‘I am fine thank you Dominic’ I say trying to disguise a pang of shyness that is creeping up. He smiles and pulls out a bouquet of 32 roses that he was awkwardly hiding behind him and the whole room erupts in a happy birthday song. I lean back inmy chair seriously touched and I guess it is too late to hide it. Why oh whydid this man have to be my senior! At least when we worked at differentbranches it was easy to avoid him but since he got promoted, the man is relentless. I take the roses and thank him.

‘Don’t I get akiss from madam?’ Mrs Mwaba stands up and stands next to him.

‘Most definitely you understand!’ she says looking at him like the whole of his chocolate self ought to melt and pour all over her! He laughs and turns towardsme. I give him the cheek and thank him.

‘There is more where that came from’ I do not blush. I put up my strongest front and do not allow him to melt me like a bloody candle….but since when do I find him so- so-divine? I play bold but my inside right now is waxy! Damn Claire done got to mewith that foolish love talk!

‘You are in love child. He is a good man and a keeper!’ Mrs Mwaba says when he turns to goto his office. Like hell I am! I sit ask her to sit down but she refuses. ‘Oh no dear, your man already sorted it out for me with my other account. I can loginto this account with the username that was set up. This appointment was justset up so I could stop you seeing other clients.’ She flashes a million dollar smile and picks up her handbag. I am shocked at all the lingo she just threw at me. ‘He just wanted to surprise you. Stop playing hard to get and take the man already’. She wiggles away and out the door. I can’t believe I forgot my own birthday! His was a bold move and I fear he may be winning….



all rights of picture reserved for artist-unknown

Saturday 12 October 2013

Silent Wives- Chapter 26- I said no

I pull Claire closer to me to comfort her. It is not that I blame the mother but I will not let her demons from the past destroy my friend’s future. The difference between my friends and I is that I see bullshit for what it really is. Just bullshit. Theycan turn around and say I am too rough or too tough or need fixing around the edges but I am fine just as I am. I have seen enough in my life time to know that I deserve so much better than half the men out there are willing to dish out.

Ladies are so desperate in Zambia to get married that one would think it was the in thing. Even with people listening to amazing songs like miss independent, the notion is still that you need a man to define you in order to qualify as a full woman! Oh wretched foolishness! Where do you get off thinking a person who is just goingto end up as dead as you will be is worthy of much more than you are! I don’t bloody think so!

Claire is dropping into that stupid realm where she is a living ghost! She is consumedwith so many reasons why she cannot leave and it is not her fault entirely. I amjust lucky that I am as strong as I am. Claire does not even see that Dr C isinto her and not Lara!! She should just dump that loser of a hubby and startanew with Dr C.

‘Take a seat and give me the baby.’ I demand. His diaper obviously needs changing and shehas failed to spot that. I pick up my godson and take him to my room to change.Claire follows behind. She cannot stay put!

‘Claire this is getting serious. Daniel needs to feel attached to you and he is not. The last few weeks have been very disruptive. I think you need to see someone’

‘See someone for what? So that they can judge me?’

‘No you also. Judge you about what Kanshi? You do know that Daniel’s wellbeing comes first at all times right. Your syndrome is affecting him. He can sense your moods and he feels abandoned! That is why you need to sort yourself out as soon as possible!For his sake!’

‘Diana, youhave just left my mother on your porch like she is a naughty teenager! Can we sort out one problem at a time please?’ I ignore her and carry on with thebaby. He is smiling beautifully with the fresh diaper. I place a rattle in hishands to keep him busy before turning my attention back to mummy dearest.

‘Your mother can come in when she chooses to act her age not her shoe size. Your life is my concern and I am sorry for being rude to her but she needs some tough love. Sometimesyou have to be cruel to be kind. I have been your friend forever and there is no way I will watch you walk into harm’s way. No way! So hate me if you have tobut I am sticking to my guns’ Claire pouts but does not argue. If only shecould use half the energy that she is throwing at me to fight her battles athome. Her job is suffering and I have heard rumours that she is about to bereplaced.

‘So what isgoing on with you and Dominic?’

‘Well he proposed two weeks ago but I said no’ I answer flatly.

‘What! He proposed and you did not tell us?’ Claire sounds hurt but it was not at the top of my to do list when she was in the condition that she was. Seriously! Where would I haveeven started the conversation?

‘I didn’t tell you because there was nothing to tell. You know what I am like with guys’

‘Yes but forgoodness sake woman! It is a proposal!’

‘That does not mean I have to accept it!’

‘But it does mean you have to tell us about it’ I sit on the bed next to her and let Daniel playaway in the background. His baby noises make for a comforting atmosphere. Claire stares excitedly at me and cannot wait to hear the news. Gosh the woman is asucker for romance!

‘Well you know he and I like taking trips a lot. So you remember the time I went on business to SA and he said he would accompany me?’ she nods enthusiastically. She is so adorable sometimes. ‘Well that is the weekend it happened. We has ordered dinner for two at the hotel and I thought it was just going to be our regular thingy majigy. I started telling him about work. I was blabbing on about aclient that was driving me insane when- you know….’ Eeeew she wants me to spellit out for her word for word. What can I do to speed this up? Romance makes meso queasy. That is the reason I have not even agreed to see Dominic today. I have been avoiding him.

There may be a small chance that I do love him or somestupid emotion like that. ‘He said, Diana I think you are a strong and wonderful woman and I would be a fool to think my life will be easier lived without you. Pleasesay you will do me the honour of being my wife’ Claire is actually gettingteary! Unbe-fucking-lievable pardon my French! Really that made her go gaga? WhenDominic said it to me all I wanted to do was throw up my steak! I had to pursemy lips so tight and force the food down to swallow so that I could not embarrasshim. I seriously think something is wrong with me! ‘So I accepted there andthen but only because people were looking!’

Claire gasps in disbelief. ‘Diana you monster!’ oh really I get to be the bad guy when I was saving a man from irreparable damage of public humiliation. The only thing I regretit that he texted his sister telling her that her plan had worked. Talk aboutawkward! ‘So when did you tell him that it was not going to happen?

‘We went back to our room and I handed him the ring back and told him I just was not ready for that kind of commitment’

‘Not ready? Womanyou are almost clocking thirty?’

‘And so what? Idon’t have to accept his. I have turned down three already.’

‘Three? Girl youare full of all sorts of secrets!’ I roll my eyes at her.

‘I just don’t thinkit is important to tell you unless the guy means something to me. I willconfess I sort of like dominic…’ she interrupts me right there.

‘Girl please that means you love him. You have never ever confessed liking a man before. Youalways dated them as a hobby!’

‘Well maybethere is something with this guy but I have to watch him closely. He is afterall friends with your husband. I don’t want to find they have the same traits no offence!’

‘None taken’

‘If he really wants me as his wife, the turn down will not put him off trying again’ of course he will try again. Men like the impossible. I know he will be back.