Silent wives-chapter 18-Leave right now!

I open my eyes and see the room spinning some what. Something hit me on the head and it feelslike I my head is wet then the room goes black again. I don’t know whathappened next but I was still on the spot lying down. Was I dreaming? My motherin law skips over me and I can hear her muttering something but cannot make outwhat it is.

The baby yells out demanding my attention but I cannot seem to be able to bring myself up to stand. It is like being in a bad dream with no one there to shake me awake. I fightmy eyes to stop them from shutting and will them open. Oh what a treacherous head. It bangs nails and hammers relentlessly on my scalp and refuses to giveme peace the more I try to get up. What the hell happened?

There are noises and someone bursts into the room with a big fat stick. I manage to openmy eyes to see the commotion. This woman is swinging the stick left right andcentre that my weary eyes fail to keep up. Her hair looks dishevelled like one at a Shala Mwana concert. She is screaming something about her friend. I closemy eyes to get some rest but feel someone kneel down beside me and call my name.


‘Claire….Claire?’I fear answering in case I am in dreamland and this is an evil spirit. Although the voice would perhaps be a bit more sinister if this were the case. The hand moves me again a bit more desperately. I try to oblige but just feel irritated.And then can you believe someone had the cheek to splash cold water on my face? Cold icy water! Well whose eyes would not open at such injustice? Even the dead would wake up really pissed off at such uncouth behaviour. I open my eyes a bit wider and notice that it is Diana by my side. Great I should have known.

She orders Jeffto pick me up off the floor and take me to the bed. He reluctantly agrees and picks me up. Once in the room Diana shouts at him and calls him all sorts of names under the sun. You know the ones where you go “chakuti chako chakuti nachakuti chako!” she then slammed the door in his face and locked us in. There was a bowl of water beside the bed and my friend instantly changed from the rantingraving lunatic she was two minutes ago to a soft cherub.

‘Hey babe…I am going to china you ok? It might hurt a bit but I will try to be gentle’ she takes a flannel and dips the cloth into the bowl of water beside the bed. Shewrings it with both hands and turns around to compress the side of my head. The cow underestimated how much it would hurt but I can only manage to flinch asopposed to going full on squealing. After like two seconds the cloth is welcomed by my head as a worthwhile friend. It does not stay like this forlong. Diana moves the cloth and repeats the ritual on another part of my facewhich feels quite spongy.

‘You need to leave this man before I start preparing your coffin!’ she says with a tone of disdain marked on her face. I do not understand why she hates Jeff so much. It is beginning to drive me up the wall. He did not hit me. I fell because I could not balance. Yes that is what happened.

‘We did not have a fight Diana. We were simply discussing something and I must have fallenand hit my head’

‘What were youdiscussing?’

‘It is none of your business because I know you are going to make a big deal out of this!’

‘If it were none of my damn business I would not be here. You women with battered wife syndrome really piss me off. Defending an animal like that!’

‘Oh Diana stop it’

‘No I think it is about time you heard a few home truths. I walked in hear kicking and screaming for them to let me in. Do you know where you were? You were laying onthe floor whilst his mother just skipped over you. Jeff did not bother to evenpick you up until I said so. Let me tell you something, since that day you toldme about the mother putting something in the water he has never been the same!’

Before giving birth to baby Daniel, Jeff’s sister Carol had come over. She is the only one of the four who I can say is nice. She came and warned me that the family believedthat I was just after the money and that they had gone for a visit to the Ng’anga.

‘Sisi I am just warning you because you know how your in laws love rituals. They will do anything so be careful that is all I am saying’ I had poured her a cup of tea andsettled down on the chair opposite her. The news was quite disturbing andfrankly I felt it was a bit farfetched because I did not believe in such garbage. I was six months pregnant with my first child.  The horror was beginning to close in on mebut I had mentioned to Diana that this place was beginning to scare the hellout of me. My mother in law had refused to move out. She had gone to her homeonly twice or maybe three times since our honey moon. At that time Jeff was thelove of my life and still supporting me. His mother however insisted that shewould stay and teach me how to be a good wife.

After three months of her staying with us, the drama began again. Bwalya and company would visit and corner me whenever I was cooking and Jeff was not home.

‘Look at youClaire, is there anything in this house that we can do to finally make you becomea woman? We have tried to teach you the ways of our family- no one can say wehave not tried but you are stubborn. Hmm I wonder what my brother saw in you.’

‘And now she isbusy prancing around this house with a bastard for a child in her stomach’ her mother would add between a mouthful of groundnuts. I simply looked at them anddecided not to answer. For there would be no answer under the sun that I couldgive without provoking their anger but even my silence annoyed them. If anythingit was even more annoying for them that I stayed silence and chose not to entertain their nonsense. It made them feel that I was being insolent but what answer didthey want me to give them? I looked forward to Jeff coming home and begged himto get his mother out of the house so the baby and I could have some peace.

On the day that he was supposed to ask his mother to leave is the day when our life of happiness ended. Jeff had spoken to his mother and asked her to leave so that we couldenjoy our home. I waited in the kitchen and took his food to him when hesummoned me.
Five minutes later I heard Jeff scream in anger.

‘What kind of disgusting thing have you put in my food? It is so bitter!’ He took the plate and chucked it with all its contents and left the house.
His motherlooked at me and smiled and then went to her room. She knew that she was not going anywhere. It was then that the silence ensued. I was alone in a place I wasmeant to call home. I was lonely yet surrounded by people. I called my mother,but she was not much help when it came to this sort of thing.

A few weeks before giving birth, I started having crumps and the baby was said to be getting ready to make an entrance in this world. It was not something thatcould be stopped. The little one was eager to come but did not make it to see the light that it so desired. I woke up in the hospital crying endlessly beingtold that it did not make it. I never saw my little one. Instead of comfortingme when we got home, my mother in law stated that ‘this is what happens whenpeople try and cheat the hand of God.’ She said that because she was still convinced that the time I got married I was pregnant and that is why herprecious son insisted on us marrying early. To save us the embarrassment ofhaving a child outside wedlock. My mind drifts back to the present. My friend is still chatting away- well scolding me more than chatting.

‘Ever since this witch moved in, he has beaten you through two miscarriages. Is it only when you finally die that is when you will leave?’

‘Diana was thevow not for better for worse?’

‘Yes but he broke that vow and in my books the marriage is void. He is not bringing in any money it all goes to his family and you have to foot the bill for yourself and your baby. Look at the state you are in! Your clothes look so unfashionable! No man! This man is going to make you old before your time!’

‘I told you though that we were not fighting. I should just stop making him angry that’s all.Mummy told me that I must stop doing things that make him angry’ I know I soundpathetic but I have nothing else.

‘Claire the whole town is talking about it. How come you do not see it? Eish, you are swelling up fast’ she takes the cloth
and continues the compressing. She shakes her head and takes the small mirror that is beside the table and hands it to me.

‘That my friend is what he has done to you. I am going to take you to the hospital right away. We cannot listen to your mother all the time because she is from a world where no protection was offered for this.’

My face has swelled so much that you cannot even see my eyes. The only thing present is a forehead and cheeks…..

Sweetest Taboo 3 pt 10

For me this is not just a song.
For me this is the core of me,
The definition of my existence
The chains of my redemption scratching away at the paper
So I
Sing for my freedom
For the hopes and dreams that I dare not speak
For the ,fantasies and wishes
That books embellish in me
For the release of the demon that
Was once called me
So I
Sing like tomorrow is already here
Thetracks of my tears I no longer see
Encrusted by makeup for someone who was once here
Yes Ising like I do for there's nobody else
I must sing to remind myself that I am still living
In here
So I
Live like a mango tree
Providing hope for the season
The greenwhite and yellow that
Red never conquers
We were born similar
Maturing in different pods
Our seeds planted separate
Only to blossom in the same field  
So I
Sing about my loving you
Like a mirror reflection taken
In different generations
Yours is the smile that frames my face
Yours is the picture defining in my frame
So let's define forever
And give it a new meaning
For the ending is only written by the mind that dreamt it.

The house is just the way mama likes it. Old like her but graceful. The clutter is a bit too much for me. In each corner there is either a table or something from days gone by that she cannot let go of even though there is no room for it. The house is dimly lit by a single candle and an old tattered bible sits on the table guarding. The guard waits in the other room as Dante and I take a look.

It is nothing like I remember but again it has been a couple of years since we got married. Mama and aunty Towela had looked dashing. They were so happy so excited and their usual bossy selves. Mama could not stop fussing that my train was too long and that someone jealous would inevitably trample on it and cause it to reap. Aunty Towela, the usual voice of reason kept mama away from the already anxious bride and placed her in charge of the bridesmaids. I felt sorry for them because mama cannot shut up. Ever. So imagine how many times their hair had to be styled and restyled that in the end it was not the hairstyle that I wanted them to have that they ended up with. They had corner buns tightly twisted that their foreheads reflected the sun. You could not tell whether they were smiling or had some plastic surgery done. I could have gone all bridezilla but it was my day and Mamas and aunty Towela. I could allow them to be equally excited even if it meant altering small details like a hairstyle.

Aunty Towela on the other hand was mellower.  She was calm and collected as always and did not fuss much. Her beautiful crystal lined pink chiffon maxi dress defied all laws of nature. She looked dashing. No protruding belly or jelly arms to betray her age. Whatever corset she was wearing kept her secret firmly tight. But despite her calm nature, I could tell something was wrong. Something that she was not telling me. Every time aunty bent down to reach my train she winced as though in pain. I should have asked if she needed anything but as soon as shespotted the look on my face, she summoned all inner strength just to keep mefrom querying her. She hid her secret as firmly as her corset behind a wall of a pre lecture before walking down the aisle.
‘You are just beautiful. Every bit of you is magnificent andthat man loves you like God loves us. I know because he has God in him. Agenuine love for God that he is going to transfer into you and make you stronger. You remember I told you, you were still precious?-‘she coughs and turns aside to find the aid of her arm. She is not well. That is for sure. She turnsback to me and carries on fussing over my dress ‘but mwana watu you must remember to never go to bed angry with each other. If you cannot face him, then praythat God can relieve you of your anger before you sleep. Men are very funny. Oftenthey do us wrong without even knowing they have hurt us- sit down now and letme fix your veil- but you can never make excuses for them. Let him take responsibility for what he does wrong. Enjoy your sex life mama. You know what we taught you ka?’

‘Aunty Towela!-‘
‘Aunty Towela where!-‘she pokes me playfully on my shoulder ‘it will happen tonight so what are you talking about-‘she laughs out loud and then pauses behind me. At that moment we were both looking at the mirror. Smiling. Not a word was spoken for about two minutes but our hearts knew how grateful we were to have each other. To have shared so many memories through the good and the bad. Thandie had relocated to New Zealand with her new husband but she was already on her second pregnancy. Talk about be fruitful and multiply eh! Towela was a content woman even though living with mama I am sure had its moment oftorture, it was not anything she was not already used to. ‘You will be so happy in your marriage I promise you. Just remember there is power in a praying wife’

‘So what do you think we should do with the place? Put it up for rent?’ I ask my husband Dante. I do not really want to throw away the memories even though I have not had the strength to check it out since it was given to me. Chisanga does not contest to what should be done so long as he gets something out of it. My husband puts an arm around me and squeezes me tight. Well first thing first your mother always wanted the baby to be a combination of both their names so start with that. I smile despite my emotions. It has not been long since the double funeral that has sent the town ablaze with whispers. Even Chisanga confirms the rumours but I do not believeit for a moment although her poem insinuates it. I have read it over and overand refuse to accept it but I harbour no judgement.

Aunty Towela died following a rough battle with ovariancancer soon after my wedding. It had been the worst time for all of usespecially mama. She could not cry or eat. All she did was hold this poem inher hands and rock back and forth in her armchair. Aunty Towela’s ashes had been given to mama. She buried them under the small mango tree of her new place. It was not as magnificent as the place we lived at but it would do for mamas’ritual. Every day for a year she sat outside during the day under that mango tree. If it was raining, she would sit by the window and watch the mango tree. Watchthe value that it held but could not resurrect her friend like it did those mangoes. My once talkative mother had turned mute. Nothing could get her to speak again. It was like the whole world had darkened and would never liveagain. If she was not bathing, she was outside, if she was not outside she was rocking and if she was not rocking she was watching the same tree seeking comfort from it with the bible at her breast. Nursing the pain. Nursing the loss of a loved one. Almost as if she had lost a husband.

She had aged in a year. Had abandoned all need for makeup and flamboyant styles. For what use were they to her without Towela? Hmmm. This world could no longer accommodate her and it showed in each defined line that crossed her face. The hunger strike eventually took her. Her wishes were to be cremated and buried right there with her friend. Under the mango tree.

Now all that is left is this house and them still outside. I do not care for what people say. I will not get rid of it. Someone will stilluse it anyway.
‘Honey, Baby will be called Hazel, Temwaka. Hazel because Ican never prise myself off those eyes of yours and Temwaka to remember the wonderful women who saved my life and stood up for all women. Were they lovers?We will never know but they loved me and that is all that matters’ Dante smiles illuminating the room with those beautiful teeth.

‘And the house?’
‘I will make it a bed and breakfast. Temwakas bed and breakfast. We can renovate it. Remove all this clutter and fix the kitchen up abit and see how it goes. We will also make a beautiful little garden around the area of the mango tree and plant some grass. I was thinking the front could dowith a new arch hedge and a swimming pool at the front. I also want a lionessstatue at the gate to depict the spirit of the two tenacious women-‘

‘What about papa?’ I look at him like what about him? Papais content with the defected house that we lived in before he showed his weakness.
‘Baby we will still look out for papa. He is an old man andlike you said unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting someone elseto die. I have no grudge against him for his weakness. I am just contemplating the best way to use this place’

‘It is because of your beautiful soul that I married you woman. Two years of the most awesome time of my life. I see you grow from strength to strength and your beauty just gets more with each new day. Remember our first dance at the wedding? We wait for you- release the fullness of your spirit my Shekinah. You were just glorious and did you see mama and aunt Teecry on the video?’ I smile at the memory. As usual Dante cannot resist the song. ‘Come let us take some tuma chairs and sit with them outside. Tell them God has been great and the house will be filled with little feet pattering soon.As God is our witness there will be no more taboos sweet or otherwise. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord’

Sweetest Taboo 3 pt 9

The courtroom hums with whispers from the spectators about which way this case will go. The doubt hangs over like a nimbus cloud. Most of the room is a population of women and only a handful of men. Perhaps it is this proportion that drops ambiguity about which way the wind will blow. Mrs Bwalyagives me a cold look. It is saying win or lose your job. Lucky for me I am thoroughly prepared and I suppose better than Dante would have been. I decideto block out any issues between Trevor and I and ask that he not be presentwhile the trial takes place. It is a bit distracting albeit downright frightening to be in the presence of one who tore at the core of your heart. Dante was right. I do need to let it go but that day is not today.

The judge walks in and the court rises. My client istrembling beside me but I have every confidence she will do just fine despite how much the defence will put her in a bad light.
‘Your honour we move that you dismiss all charges against our client based on the evidence that has been put forward. The character ofthe victim is against her and with no prior convictions, our client cannot be heldliable-‘

‘Objection your honour. As clearly stipulated, counsels arguments are purely speculative. There is new evidence which clearly suggest that not only did the rape take place but that the accused DNA has been found. Ourwitness has also testified that she saw the victim leaving the defendants house in a flood of tears. Not only that, but also, there are some teachers at the school who were aware of the problem said teacher has presented in the past soto say that he has no prior convictions, is fading the truth’ I leave him no chance for a comeback. He knows when I enter this room I aim to kill. Dante may go easy but I cut to the chase with my short self.

‘I’ll hear the closing arguments and then allow the Jury to decide. Proceed’
‘So we have all heard the case before us. How a teacher whohas served your community for 15 years, a man who has taught a lot of our generation with no prior criminal convictions, has today been accused of a vile thing such as rape. It is not only unfair, it is casting a cloud over thejudgement of the parents who take their children to this school. It is tellingthem that the people they entrust with their children too co parent are not worthy.

But when you look at this pictures (he places photographs infront of the Jury) could you say that this girl is indeed innocent? From her provocative dressing, to the makeup on her face, how do we tell that she was indeed raped? Or that she succumbed to the advances and that it was in fact consensual sex which after it happened, she needed an alibi for why she was no longer a virgin. I ask that you think carefully before you destroy a man’scareer and life over a child who does not understand the meaning of long skirt’ I cannot actually believe my ears. He really believes that is an argument he can actually close with and win. It is then that I knew they have been bluffing all along or his abilities as a lawyer have diminished. I used to admire thisman so much but now, this case just weakened him. I guess he got the crap endof the deal really. Mrs Bwalya looks at me. Of course this will be the very first time she is seeing me in action and it makes me slightly nervous. After abrief moment she turns and smiles at Dante flirtatiously. Bitch! I get up and get ready to do my thing.

‘Sitting here in this court room we have heard various testimonies. Some of which have made our stomachs turn-‘ I turn and look at the defence table emphasising their gross nature ‘and some which have been heartfelt-‘ pause for effect ‘like that of a father whose heart has been wrenched in two for the harm that has befallen his household. Like that of themother who knows not where to begin in comforting her daughter. Sure the fatherhas wronged society with the same double crime in the past but he has done histime. The point of our justice system is to teach people a lesson and set anexample for others. It is this experience that makes him qualified to understand the gravity of the wrong this man has inflicted on his adopted daughter.

Now the defence here tells us that the child is to blame because of her clothing or wayward nature. I disagree. They are missing the point in the term rape. It is not something that happens to someone who is dressed provocatively nor is it something happens because of sexual need. It issomething that has happened to babies of 8 months old. Do we say they areasking to be raped because they have their pampers on show? Or the nuns who get attacked despite the long robs they have and wait what about the men who are now raped left right and centre? Are men dressed provocatively? I do not believethat even a prostitute deserves to be raped. Some may frown and object to thisbut it is because they lack understanding of this issue.

Autonomy is something accorded to each and every human. It isour right to do as we please with our bodies. It is this autonomy that gives usthe ability to consent or refuse treatment in hospital. It is a fundamental reason why human rights were recognised. So one may be a prostitute but if no means no. A child such as my client is not to treated with such hostility that this vile crime should go unpunished. Teach her how to dress if you must, butdo not encourage rapists to get off the hook simply because someone was dressed a certain way. Rape is about power. It is not about sexual desire that is why it can happen to anyone. It is something that my client will have to become used to in the sense that it will be a part of her life. How long she takes to heal will depend on whether or not justice is done. It will affect her life from her relationships to living in perpetual fear until she deals with thisdemon that has possessed her. Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, if she were yourdaughter, would you turn the other way? Or would you also bring charges againstthe school for harbouring a criminal and sacrificing our children to be devoured by this man one by one? I rest my case’
Mrs Bwalya looks at me with a proud look on her face but I don’t care. I ought to pull her weave out the way she has been citing my man. Yes hehas not officiated it but even the blind know he is mine. I strut my thing back to my table and sit proudly next to Dante.

‘You were awesome but you already know that. What do you want to do tonight?’
‘What makes you think I am seeing you tonight?’ I ask cheekily biting my lip.
‘You cannot resist me-‘
‘Nigger please I been resisting you since I knew you’
‘Ah well now you really know me, in my arms celebrating tonight is where you need to be. I already booked us a table with champagne winor lose’ I look at him baffled. This man is determined! After about half an hour the judge returns and orders that he is ruling in our favour awarding K49million. I feel happy and sad at the same time. Happy that the girl has receivedjustice but sad that I just made her father rich. Mrs Bwalya comes straightover excited and congratulating us on a job well done. ‘You must sign yourcontracts tomorrow that’s for sure. Good job’ she shakes our hands and thenwaddles off to her car. Trevor also comes over and asks to speak to me. Iinsist that Dante should stay with me.

‘I would like to thank you for everything you have done. I havenever had a chance to apologise to you personally partly because I did not know where you were. I know you may not forgive me-‘
‘It is fine just go. I will deal with it in my own time thanks’ I give him a half smile and dismiss him. He seems to have water in his eyes but I need to deal with this my way. Whether or not he means it, it does not matter because he has exonerated himself and now it is up to me to either hold a grudge or let it go. I choose to get my life back.

‘Are you OK?’ Dante pulls me to him by arms and just holds me in his arms for like forever. I decide not to start the water works. From now on, with this big man around me, I choose to be strong. ‘Tonight at 8pm I willpick you up. We are going to Portico Restaurant’ Dante whispers. ‘Shekinah-‘
‘Yeah-‘
‘I adore you, you little woman. I absolutely adore you’ I smile in his embrace but don’t show it to him. I adore him too.

Sweetest Taboo 3 pt 8

Look at him sitting there looking smug as anything. Or is that sorrow? Is the man capable of the emotion? My mind reflects back to the time when he held me down, hit me and took away the very innocence that he is trying to preserve for his daughter. And yet here he is asking for a second chance. So here we are. Dante stand at the front grilling him left right and centre. He grills him about the students place about his whereabouts and why he was always hanging around there. Trevor breaks down but does not admit toraping his child. He actually sounds genuine and looks to the Jury to plead with them. Good tactic.  He does not remember me. How can he? I am all grown up and possibly very sexy but I am still a shadow of myself.
I look around at the crowded court room. The look on people’s faces is one of disdain and disgust. Corners of mouths have developed a furrow and a woman in the corner of the first row clutches a young lady next to her as if harm could come to her at this very moment just from hearingTrevor speak. But there is no sympathy for Trevor. His prior conviction does not evoke sympathy from anyone in the room. Perhaps more people understand the severity of this issue than I gave them credit for.

Dante returns majestically to our table after questioning his witness. He airs the confidence that he has this case in the bag. The defence on the other hand come in just as hard. Cross examining Trevor, he points out all his failings as a father, he highlights that in fact, his client may not have raped the girl but he himself-
‘Move to strike!-‘I find myself on my feet. Like a force completely separate from me is speaking. I hope it is just the love for my job and not the need to defend this man’s family. Whatever the reason it is toolate and I am standing and I must finish my sentence ‘counsel is speculating.It is either he has the facts or he does not your honour’ the judge allows my motion and prosecutor moves to another line of questioning. The man is good. Right now it looks like our only chance of winning to pull every emotive word out of the dictionary and graffiti this room with serious payback. Dante looks at me and senses that he may be able to win me back on his side. Our clientsits quietly next to me. I try not to look at her but I can sense her. I cansense her fear nostalgically beckoning me to do something. She does not look atTrevor like a rapist. She does not see him as a monster. No. She sees a father.She sees a man she loves defending her in a way my papa did not do. We aresimilar her and I. She is what I would have been had my father stood up for me even though I was not biologically his. Her pain is real and it is not directedat Trevor but at the teacher. For when the teacher comes on as a witness, seeinghim in that booth makes her tremble like a leaf.

‘Your honour before you pass your ruling, counsel requestsmore time to gather extra evidence’ Dante says firmly. His broad shoulders andlarge chest demanding no less not that the judge is intimidated by him but I think everyone else is.

‘You have one day. Courts adjourned’ we explain to the younglady that she will need to stay with us and go through her statement as shewould have to the take the stand the next day. Mrs Bwalya compliments Dante onthe job well-done and hold on…was that Nsanje (Jealousy) I just felt? Nah!! Can’tbe. I feel nothing for Dante.
As we walk out the door of the court room, Trevor is there waiting for his daughter. He so much darker than I remember and definitely abit more raggedy. Borderline begger. I try to walk past ahead of him but hecalls my name ‘Madam-‘it sends a chill down my spine. Surely there is no reasonI have to speak to him and I cannot promise I will be cordial. I turn around slowly and look him square in the face.

‘Yes-‘my tone is icy freezing him all over. Reconstructive surgery huh! The bastard! He should be DE castrated!
‘I am sorry to take up more of your time- ‘

‘Take up my time? You took my childhood you chauvinistic-‘

‘Shey that’s enough. Come with me now!’ Dante roars from behind. There goes all my decorum out the window. I turn to see Trevor looking perplexed but I think he gets the message. Dante drags me away by the elbow like he is my daddy about to scald the living daylights out of me. ‘What do you think you are doing? That is our client and you cannot speak to him like that-‘Ibeg to differ and tell him in actual fact our client is his daughter not him. He looks at me as though I have lost all my senses and I probably have. He foldshis arms across his vast chest and stands with legs astride. His big figure towering over me and those piercing hazel eyes scalding my soul not my body. Heis mad as hell and very attractive right now. ‘We will talk about this overlunch Miss Mwelwa’ talk about a cheeky way of summoning someone for a date butsince I did behave badly, I cannot really argue. He goes back to Trevor and excuses us bundling his little girl into the car. We drive back to the office.

The young girl is nervous. She goes through her statement and tells us that although it was the first time for her to be raped, there was a rumour once that a previous student had reported the teacher but nothing was done. It was the same head teacher who works there now. She went on to state that the teacher had told her to come that day for extra lessons because she kept failing his classes despite studying. Since she kept getting into trouble at home for the bad results, she agreed to go. It was then that he raped her and when she first told her mum, she was cross with her and beat her but whenshe realised there was blood between her legs, they both went to the school and reported the teacher. The teacher on duty at the time informed her that they would not be believed since everyone knew why her father had gone to jail and that she brought enough disgrace to the school. My father was so angry that he went with a machete to the teacher’s house but was intercepted by neighbours.

 I sat listening patiently. It was hard to believe that someone like Trevor could defend his child strongly. We allow her to go home and promise that we will do everything to make sure that the teacher does not get off the hook easily. Now for my judgement.

‘Where do you want to go for lunch? I fancy some spare ribs.Can we go to that Chinese restaurant in Levy mall?’
‘Sure. I am not fussy’ I say.
‘No you are not in a position to be dear’ we head off to themall conscience of the time or else we will have to put in long hours.

A couple of hours later we are back at the office and the silence is welcoming. The streets were too busy and the heat was nauseating. Surprisingly we did not talk about the incident outside the court. I make my way to thewindow to let some air in. Dante comes and puts his arms around me from behind. He rests his chin gently on my head and lets out a small sigh.

‘I think I know what is going on. You do not have to say anything or it may be used against you in Dantes court-‘he jokes but does not let go of me. I relax in his arms and let him speak. ‘Your mistrust of men is unnatural and you flinch every time I stroke you. Hell you get damn near neurotic!I thought at some point that you are just frigid but there is much more than that right? If am wrong argue, if I am write say nothing’. I stay quiet. ‘Now I know it was painful, and you do not need to tell me what he did because now I know.It is not rocket science. You were the child. What he did was evil. It was inhumane. I will not make excuses for him or any other man for that matter. In fact I am terribly sorry for the approach I took when taking this case but mi uh tell yuh someting ma yout, it not only robbed you of your childhood, you are allowing it to infiltrate into adult hood and robbing you of love. So much love that you push me away at every given chance because you are scared to be hurt again by someone not even worthy of your time and energy. He has got a family now and paid for his crimes.

‘So you think I should let it go just like that? What justice is there? My friend died because of him. Killed herself you know. I went for counselling and was told the reason I could not have sex with you is because ofa condition called vaginismus and mine is in the acute stage.’ He looks freaked out as though I just told him I had an infectious disease. What did I expect with a term like that anyway? ‘It just means that every time you try to penetrate, there’s an unconscious reflex that blocks it. Kind of like when an object flies towards your eye you instantly shut it. It will take time for me to work through my issues and have a healthy relationship.’

‘Then we shall work through them together! This is eating you up. You are so full of anger that you are drinking the poison and expectinghim to die! No you are much too beautiful. Not another day will you have to look over your shoulder because I will be here. Let me tell yuh, nothing just happens. He came back in your life so you can close that door and still see that he did not get off scott free. Imagine jail life and how many times hemust have got raped, had to reconstruct his penis which I am sure does not lookright-‘ I wince at the imagery and Dante smiles then turns me round to face himthen kisses my forehead. ‘Now he is paying through his daughter. You must forgive him. Not for him but to do yourself a favour so you can move on…we can move on but his daughter needs you and that is the good you can do otherwise you will just be as bad as him for punishing an innocent child’ he lets go of me and pulls out his mobile. ‘I want you to listen to this song because you are full of power and substance and your name says it all. Every time I hear it,how can I not think of you?’

“We wait for you
We wait for you
We wait for you
To walk in the room
Here we are standing in your presence
Here we are standing in your presence
Shekinah glory come down
Shekinah glory come down” he pauses the song with a big smile on his face. ‘I want you to listen to the next bit because it is exactly what you must do Shey. You were not given this name for no reason. You need tolet your fullness shine’
“Release the fullness of your spirit
Shekinah glory come
Shekinah glory come
You move and we want more
You speak and we want more
You move and we want more
We want the fullness” he sings along so loud that I am taken aback but feel so relieved and happy then he pulls me into his arms and kissesme for the first time in two years. My lips have known no other man. ‘Come to church on Sunday and I will sing this song in the choir just for you. You are more than you give yourself credit for Shekinah.’

Sweetest Taboo 3 pt 7

‘Noooo, I refuse. I cannot do this case I cannot do it Dante’I back away from him towards the door. I cannot believe what I just heard nor can I handle the cards life just played me. Is this some kind of cruel joke? Somesick untimely joke? Like what the hell? Do I have screw me over stamped on my forehead?

‘Shey why are you so freaked out? It is just a name or do you know this person-‘I hear him talk a lot but he is not really saying anything. This is not happening. I have to get out of here. I bolt out of the room and leg it down the stairs with a frantic Dante behind me. The one thing I do not like is people walking behind me let alone running and now I feel sodamn vulnerable like he is chasing me. ‘Slow down dammit and talk to me.’

I stop by the door way too scared to walk out by myself. Suddenly I feel exposed as though someone is watching me and about to pounce on me. Despite the street lights glaring at me, I do not succumb to its invitation to colour me blind. With its mocking lights telling me it’s safe and oh yes it is just a matter of me stepping into that deceitful light and then bam! Just like that my story will change. I will be yet another statistic. Dante punts behind me and takes my hand gently and asks me to sit down. I oblige careful not to get to close. He freaks me out. This building freaks me out. It is an enclosed space. It could be the death of me. As if reading my mind, Dante reassures me ‘Shey, you know me. I will not lay a finger on you or let any harm come your way but you need to talk to me nuh man not just run away like one possessed! Eh! What is the matter?’

I am not in the habit of airing my dirty laundry especially to Dante. Once he finds out why I am weird and that the man whose child I am supposed to defend is responsible for the way I feel and respond around him and that I in turn want to kill him right back- yes I do want to kill him. I want to kill Trevor. So you see I cannot tell Dante what I am thinking right now. I do not know where to begin. ‘I cannot defend that girl Dante and in fact I cannot be part of this case because I just got compromised.’

‘Oh come of it. This is Zambia. Compromised is the name of the game. It is too late to pull out now and that little girl needs you more than you know’ I feel disgusted at myself and the things that I am thinking right now cannot be conveyed out loud to him. A demon has fully possessed me. It feels happy that the little girl is hurting because it invariably hurts that cockroach. What? I told you it was not a thought for the public ear. Dammit my conscience won’t allow this thought a moment longer. ‘Come on back upstairs and let us pack up so you can have a good rest. If you want me to be first chairthen I will. I will just have to make sure I speak properly won’t I? My hand allows his to guild us both back to the office. I am especially jumpy at every little noise but feel better that I did not take that call when I was alone. I don’t wantto go through with the case. The daughter might be collateral damage in thiswar I have with Trevor but something’s gotta give. I sit back in my chair and Trevor strokes my shoulders again and I just unleash my anger on him.
‘I told you time and time again do not bloody stroke me youpervert!’

‘Eish, sorry!’ he says putting his hands up. ‘So I have gone over the statements once more and it appears that the father is out of work but still makes an amicable amount some how. Now one thing that seems to tie the teacher to the family is that he offers extra lessons to his pupils and it isthis excuse that the family are using to pin down the teacher stating that thechild was seen coming from the teacher’s house crying. When queried by the mother she told her what happened but was beaten for telling lies about a grownup’
‘The father raped her. He has motive, he has prior conviction and is just out of prison.’
‘What makes you so sure he raped her?’
‘Because young kids are his passion and this right here is convenient that she gets raped around the same time daddy comes out of prison? Thatis not rocket science. The man is a raging sex addict and teacher is an easy scapegoat.’

‘How do you know so much about him? It is almost as if you know him personally!’ I ignore this remark hoping he does not read myexpression. I continue to examine the evidence but all arms point at theteacher whichever way you look at it. I decide to read the victims statementagain. She is hysterical and refers to her father as being very distraught thathis friend could do something like this. Friend? Reading on, the friends whorefuse to testify are also students in his extra lessons sessions. About three of them and from the statements it seems as though Trevor has been present atmost of these one on one sessions….

‘Dante, I think they are running a brothel and prey on thevulnerable pupils under the pretext of extra lessons. Passing tests later iseasy because the teacher handles the grades only on this particular day whenthe daughter was seen coming out of the house, she had gone there without her fathers or mothers consent, but on the advice from some peers that she couldenquire about extra lessons-‘I stand up feeling enlightened by the realisation that she was raped by Trevor’s business partner only he did not know who she was until the mother caused all hell to break loose on his head. ‘That is whyTrevor wants to keep under cover because he has already done time!’ Dante looksat me proudly and takes a mocking bow. Alright Sherlock, but none of that willstick unless you buy more time from the court and convince the others totestify otherwise it will just be hearsay.

‘Oh that is your job tomorrow because there is no way I am defending that girl’
‘Shey….would you not want someone to defend you? Whatever it is that bothers you about Trevor, put it aside and let the girl come first.Please.’ I am reminded for a moment about how fragile and frightened I was but years of blocking the pain and living as a shadow of myself have rendered thoseemotions motionless. They do not exist. I almost lack empathy. I am beguiledwith venom that I just want to spray at Trevor.

‘Can you take me home please? I do not feel safe to go alone’I say putting my best damsel in distress face forward. If I remember correctly Hope said she would not be home. I have a good mind to ask Dante to stay afterall it is a while for him to drive back to his place this late I reason.
‘Sure no problem’
‘This is not an invitation for any nookie!’
‘You said it not me. I was not even thinking it.’ We get into his car and leave mine in the company car park. There is just soft gospel music playing in his car and he actually looks taken by it.
‘Who are these?’ I ask softly

‘Jesus Culture. This is one of the songs I am supposed to be singing with the choir on Sunday. I think it will do you some good if you comewith me and exorcise some of those demons we just saw’ he smirks. Hahahaha veryfunny. ‘I still think your analysis is a bit flawed. I do not think there is abrothel there. Word would have spread like bushfire if there was trust me. I don’tknow how this Trevor is getting his money but it could be something else like drugs. That could explain why Trevor has been present but also we do not knowhow long for. These lessons are usually one hour each at length’ well we will not know anything for sure until they testify. ‘So do you want to talk aboutit?’ Dante asks a look at me concerned as he pulls up into my driveway. I shakemy head no and he complies dropping the subject.
‘You are staying in my room tonight. I don’t want to sleepalone’ I demand not that he is complaining and in fact he has a mischievous grin on his face poor sod. Lying there in my bed I allow myself to drift off abit. Defending Trevor’s daughter will be defending Trevor’s feelings! Damn conflict of interest. I let out a huge sigh and Dante pulls me into spooninghug.
‘It is well. God never comes too soon or too late. There is a reason for everything’. I let him hold me and fall into a deep sleep.

Sweetest Taboo 3 pt 6

‘You are so annoying! I know we are supposed to be professional but right now it is more than I can bear to even look at you so if you don’t mind let us just carry on in silence’
‘Why are you always so emotional? This is just a case! You get the pay check we go home and the rest is history!’ counters Dante but I am in no mood to hear his misogynistic views. It is typical of us. One step forward, two steps back! I wonder whether we are just cursed or maybe somethings are just not written in the stars. We have been at work the whole weekand freaking weekend slaving some mad hours in preparation for tomorrow’s trial.

‘Ah! You dudes are all the same. As soon as a woman catches you out you start calling us emotional! Can you not come up with a more plausible argument than that?’

‘Shekinah, it is 22:00 already and we have to be in court by9:00 hours tomorrow or we can kiss this trial goodbye.’ I glance at my watch and true it is 22:00 hours call me a workaholic if you like but we are not going anywhere until we crack this thing. Dante goes out to look for some food. He claims he is so hungry he could eat a horse. I look at all the papers scattered on the table. There must be some evidence that we can find in order to tie this teacher to the rape. There is no way I am letting this go just because Dante thinks some women are to blame for rape.

Maybe it is because he has hit so close to home and I am a bit biased but I really think that is the most stupid statement ever made. So what if the president is of the same opinion? I have heard there are many men out there getting raped all the time. Wasn’t there a story reported just last week about the young man who was walking home only to be jumped by a group of men in a rural area? Or the tourist who get raped, some of those are men too but no when it happens to a woman then she asked for it! It is a good thing we had this conversation because at least now I know what he would have thought of me had I told him about my past. Anyway the past should have no place in current relationships. Not that we arein one but- ah you know what I mean.

[Hope text- Shey boo boo, I am staying at Michaels tonight and I figured you are working late. Do not worry when you get home there is enough food around. Charity made some good concoction! I would not bring Dante back here if I were you because he might stay and it will not be because ofyou. Lol] I smile at her crudeness. It is not something new with her. She is absolutely atrocious.

I decide to focus solely on the project in front of me. This is not adding up. The child is in grade 10 and said to have been adopted by some woman whose husband was recently out of jail. I take the research and pin it together on the notice board to see if I can conjure up some story. The teacher has no prior record of any type of crime. No one other than this child will testify. I go through all the reasons she may not want to. Fear is the biggest one of all. Obviously she is the victim here but she is also said to dress provocatively at school. I take a look at some of the pictures put in front of me of the girl. Sure the skirt is slightly above the knee but nothing that is different from most girls her age. She had also mentioned that two other girls said they had been hurt by the same teacher but had refused to be mentioned in the report. No reasons given. Dante walk back in after an hour carrying big bagof take away. Presumably the big part is for him.

‘Dante how come there is no mention about the father aside from the fact that he has been in prison? Is this even a safe environment for achild and when on earth was she adopted if it was not long ago since his release?’
‘Slow down nuh man. Too many questions and I have not even eaten yet!’
‘Are you going to be speaking patois in court tomorrow?’
‘No that is why we made you first chair until I sort my accent out’ I shake my head but feel relieved that he will not be opening his mouth tomorrow. Explains why he is more focused on his stomach than the case.

The teacher’s alibi is flimsy and does not really stick but there is no evidence to counter it.

‘Wait- didn’t the girl say that the teacher’s girlfriend saw him rape her and then beat the girl up for it?’
‘Yes but the girlfriend denies having seen anything of the sort’
‘come on we can all deny things but you will be surprised what people own up to when they are under pressure especially when being cross examined by a lawyer’ he does have a point there and it is either the hunger or fatigue but either way I find myself agreeing out loud with him.
‘Let me have a looked at the particulars of the father again-‘
‘Says she was adopted by the man’s wife because he could not bear children. Hahaha listen to this, his privates had been surgically attached since his castration…’ Dante’s voice trails off. I grab the papers from him and wonder how we missed this information at first. ‘So that is why this case is hard to prove. Her adopted father was imprisoned for rape after a mob of women castrated him and posted his penis to the police station. He was later arrested following his treatment for wounds at the Ndola hospital. I giggle whilst looking for the name of this crazy rapist man but to no avail. It is not listed anywhere.

The statements by the mother are so passionate and that she wants justice for her child and that this teacher must pay but what if the father who had just come from prison was the one who in fact raped her? Could they be trying to cover up the mess because the girl had spoken to one teacher about itand now it was out in the open? Sure the evidence left for us to rely on is pure hearsay but that is not our business. Someone has to pay.

‘I think there is only one thing we can do to find out the father’s name and the relationship he has with said daughter. It is not something we should overlook’ I say picking up the phone. Dante smiles whilst shoving a massive burger in his mouth. This silly man loves to wink so much it makes me wonder whether he just has a twitch in his eye. Finally someone picks up the phone and give an explanation as to why I am calling and the urgency of the case. I seem to now have her attention.

‘What would you like to know?’
I would like to know her father’s name because it is not listed here’ I explain.
‘Oh sorry we were told earlier that knowing his background from prison may affect the case’
‘There is this thing called client confidentiality that means whatever you say to me stays with me unless otherwise discussed but right now I need to know so that I can go in their prepared with whatever may be thrown my way do you understand?’ I feel bad for coming down a little hard but I am too tired for pleasantries.

‘He is Trevor…..Trevor Mwamba’ the phone drops from my hand as ruthlessly as my words had dropped on the woman. Dante looks up and quickly attends to the rest of the call. He strokes my shoulder and I scream while pushing his hand away. I am way to familiar with that stroke and that…that name

Sweetest Taboo 3 pt 5

As it is the end of my internship at the cabinet office, I have been allocated a new firm to work with. A position I had applied for a month prior to my appointment. Messrs Malama & Associates is known to be a big firm dealing with every area of Law from Criminal to Family law. It is the most exciting opportunity to be able to land such a contract- well not so much landit yet but after three months’ probation and proving myself, I will beguaranteed a hefty pay check.

The draw back- Dante. Oh well so long as he stay out of my way, I do not care if he is there really.
I pull up outside the office and reapply my lipstick and powder. Phew. Take a deep breath. It is all going to be just fine. I have to tell myself this because everyone in town knows that the new manager or whatever it is they call them in law firms is a class A Bitch!

Unlike most of the buildings in Zambia, the offices are part of a modern in frastructure boasting 4 four storeys of office space leased to a variety of merchants. Overall the owner of the beautiful glass building is Mr Malama himself. After training in the United States, he decided the best way to earn a living was to bring his new found knowledge and establish a monstrosity of a building right in the heart of Lusaka. I look at the business card Mr Bwalya gave me and note that the firm is on the second floor part of the building. The first floor has a somewhat rude attendant whose attitude says ‘so what if I lose my job I do not get paid enough anyway’ whereas in this day and age where he to lose his job, he would be devastated.
I get to the second floor and walk through door 218. The reception hall is vast with a huge elephant flower nesting in the corner of the room closestto the receptionist’s desk. She is tiny with glasses resting on the tip of hernose. Without as much as two words, she glances up at me and hands over a sheet of paper with the days programme on it. It clearly has my name on it. I envy the efficiency. When I stand there looking stupefied, she stops her frantic typing and says ‘walk right through to the door on your left. Mrs Bwalya is waiting for you and she does not do late very well’ I thank her and find the strength to master up enough confidence to walk into Mrs Bwalya’s office.

Mrs B is a light in complexion woman of about 35 or 38 give or take, strong physic and long natural hair. She is absolutely gob smackingly stunning and intimidating. I give myself a quick check and nervously pull my skirt down a bit more and mutter a mousy good morning. The guy she is talking to turns around and to my holy Mary mother or God it is Dante with all his dread locks gone and my goodness hell on fire he is……phew. The man is in a suit and rocking short hair that just makes his face even more beautiful (if that is even possible) and his eyes dazzle like a star lit sky. Mrs B notices my awkwardness and cuts to the chase while Dante leans back in his chair and flashes a cheeky ‘I know you want me right here right now smile’.

‘Mwelwa you are late. If this were your father’s office, I would still not tolerate it’ she says with a horrible ice chilling smile. I try to mutter an excuse but she cuts me short. ‘I do not recycle my words to I will leave you to catch up with this young man on the case that has been allocated to you’ she grabs a few items on her desk and as she leans over reveals a cleavage not too big but enough to say ‘how do you do?’ Dante looks away quickly pretending it did not catch his eye. This woman is a real man eater and even more so when she reveals her full length from behind the desk. She is rocking the latest Burberry suit and the skirt is just to die for. The heels…get out of here. It takes all our self-control not to be caught staring at wonderwoman. ‘I have court to attend and I do not expect to see you in my office until the end of the week when you show me what you have prepared for thehearing. First hearing is next Monday so you have literally 7days and no child’s play’. With that she exists flamboyantly. For a moment I can breathe.

‘Seven days! Is she kidding me? This is a case that mighttake us a bit more than that. We have not even had time to ponder the facts yet and that will mean pulling long hours on our first week here!’ I moan.
‘Well hello to you too. We better get on with this then ifwe are going to impress.’ Dante says not looking up from the brief.  He continues ‘It looks easy enough though. Simple case of pupil sues teacher for sexual assault aka Rape. Infliction of the penalcode should be enough to wham bam slam it shut.’ Arrogant! Working on rape with him? Great! What else does the universe have in store for me? This will be way beyond awkward!
‘You have to move from this office now. You two can use the seminar room across the hall’ the receptionist orders. We do not lose a moment because we both know small case or not, there is a heck of a lot of work to doif it has been handed to this firm!

The morning passes by quickly and it is only the rumbling of our stomachs that reminds us its lunch time. Dante offer to buy lunch and I aminclined to agree. My head feels heavy with all the brainstorming we have had to do. For once I do not find him annoying. Maybe it is that haircut. A neatlook has a fine effect on a woman and that suit makes him look so manly.

We decide to head off to matebeto seeing as everyone fancies a treat down there. The food is magnificent despite the surrounding. It isnothing fancy but traditional food served by the most traditional looking woman is normally the best food. Dante picks out his favourite merchant and sheinstantly prepares a table for us. It is like everyone established who their customer is and so stealing customers is frowned upon as witnessed by a the woman from next door who forgets all her manners and curses the lady next to whosmuggles her client.
‘What can I get for you baba? The usual?’ she asks Dante completely lost in his eyes I am as good as invisible. I don’t know why it bothers me but it does. She waddles back to the so called kitchen where a massive pot is brewing Nshima. As we wait Dante feels this is his time topounce. God this man can hunt.

‘Shekinah you still as beautiful as I remember’

‘Well what were you expecting? A troll? It has only been a year Dante’

‘Actually it has been two years….’ Awkward.

‘Now I have been asking myself for a while now what it is that I did wrong…..’ I cut in before he can even finish. The venom that has been building up in me for a while now.

‘How dare you leave me just because your little friend down there could not run the race!’

‘Whoa whoa whoa first of all, he ain’t no little guy check pon my shoe size nah man and secondly he was not the one doing the running it was you. Till this day I do not get why you were so uncomfortable with me. Man you gave me mixed signal you know! One minute everything good physically but I do not know what kinda of obiah (witchdoctor) you used to shut you down there but it worked!’ My face goes bright crimson and I bring my legs a bit closer. My lips are pursed in a tight tantrum.

‘So what if I could not allow you to do what you wanted? I was ready but I did not know at the time what was causing it. It is purely psychological but you!’ I say pointing at him with a disgusted look on my face that says I want to chop you up into little pieces for abandoning me. ‘You could not wait to get your little friend marching and then you dare to do it with that skank Lombe!’

‘What the heck are you going on about Lombe? Who on earth is Lombe?’ I fold my arms across my chest perfect tantrum style and look at him squarely like nigger you know exactly who I mean. He seriously looks perplexed but don’t all men when they are trying to wiggle their way out of trouble.

‘Lombe who was right across the hall way from me! I saw you early morning with your chest all exposed (may I add all sexy and fine but I don’t tell him this) and looking mighty pleased with yourself! What were you doingwith her?’ he bursts out laughing just like the girls had done at the mall. This is annoying and I get up to leave just as the lady brings in a delicious plate of beef stew. Dante stands up and says firmly

‘Wait there little miss attitude. Lombe is a rug muncher! Everyone knew that! I went to her place to finish my assignment because you refused totalk to me after that incident for whatever reason!’

‘A rug what?’ I have no clue what he means by the phrase.

‘Be a lady and sit down and let me explain myself yeah. Please’

‘A rug muncher babe….’ I scowl at him and he corrects himself by replacing babes with Shekinah. He does my head in. Pali va babe here? He better work for that phrase. He is so used to women throwing themselvesat him!
‘She is a lick her licence…..’ he giggles again but I keep a straight face. ‘Jesus Shekinah, she is a lesbian!’

‘Huh! They exist in Zambia?’ I ask completely flabbergasted.What else don’t I know sure!

‘Yes they do. Do you not remember the fight that ensued between her and some other chick near the dining room? It was because Lombe was perving on some next chick and her girl got mad! She says she was looking ather funny but instead of going for Lombe, she attacked the other girl! You were there how could you not know! That is why I was comfortable hanging in her room because I knew it would not vex anyone. Don’t you think had I wanted to cheat I would have been smarter?’ he winks cheekily.

Bummer! To think I been mad at nothing for two years! He should still have contacted me though. He had been quiet for two freaking years but he denies it. He says he sent all the letters to my house because he had no idea where to address them until he came back home and found that I had relocatedpermanently to Lusaka.
‘Hi papa…’ I call the house on our way back to the office. The atmosphere between us is much more relaxed now but I still gotta check out his alibi.He shoots me a quizzical look. ‘Papa I am fine thanks I just wanted to checkquickly if there any letters for me at home?’ My father is greying fast and his memory is not the best.
‘Oh yes there are like seventy I keep them in my drawer. I have not opened them because they had foreign stamps on them. Meant to give them toyou last time you visited but eh…you know your old man…’
I smile and hope he has not seen me. Treacherous bastard!
‘You are one hard nut to crack!’ he winks and this time I offer him a smile.

Sweeetst Taboo 3 pt 4

‘Well whatever your reasons for not wanting Dante around,you will have to put them behind you very soon’ she smirks. ‘Besides, he is no longer the guy he used to be in school. Remember all those drawing and the crazy times he would draw all sorts of weird anti-Christ diagrams on his books thatwould just give anyone nightmares? Well he is very pro Christ now and I am sure you will be working with him soon. He just got a job at your place of work!’

‘What? No no no he cannot do that! That is that bullshit. How will I ever be able to work with around? I will have to change departments.’ By now I am fretting so much I can barely talk. Hope watches me become a childagain and comes and sits close to me.
‘Girl all jokes aside. Please tell me what the hell happened with you and Dante! You are shaking like a leaf! I hope it is not what I think it is….’ I raise my head to look at her and notice from the look on her facethat she may think it is history repeating itself and quickly shake my head no. I just feel too embarrassed to tell her that I could never have sex with Dante and he left with someone else.

Tears fall down my cheeks and I exit from the table to go and comfort myself in the bathroom. The ritual begins again with all the damn scrubbing. Goodness lord I could win a medal from how much I still wash. My obsessive compulsive disorder gets triggered mostly after a bad night’s sleep or when I am filled with anxiety. I need to get on the phone to my mother and tell her what is happening because I don’t think I will be able to handle it bymyself.


An hour later, Tendai and Mumba come by the house and insist we go out to Debonnairs for Pizza. It does not take a lot of convincing for us to get out of the now cramped flat. I would rather us all get crazy out there than in our flat. Tendai recounts the events of the previous night and how she and her ex decided to pay the past a visit. All the girls in the car laugh and ask if the past was worth revisiting. I couldn’t care less and decide to switch off. It is as though the girls only have one thing on their mind nowadays.Tendai starts firing me questions instead of concentrating on finding a spot at Manda Hill. It does not matter what time or what day of the week it is, this place is always always swamped with cars! God knows where people even get the money from when the news always reports that there are no jobs around and thatpeople are suffering. If anything this must be to give the tourist theimpression that in fact in Zambia we are doing just fine and hope to God theydo not produce a documentary of the children with flies stuck on their faces asan accurate representation of what our country is about.


‘Eh Eh Eh Madam Dancehall! Don’t act like you don’t hear what I am saying eh’ she looks in the rear view mirror and smiles at me cheekily losing her chance at yet another parking spot.

‘Ah Tendai you are too nosey! Are we hear to spend all dayin the parking lot?’ Hope sniggers ‘Besides we all got a lot more to do than just eat pizza! Michael is on the lose somewhere and I intend to find him.’
‘Michael Schmichael! Hope please we all know that boy is for rent and before you know it, he will be headed back to his woman. Those two make up and break up so please don’t get your hopes too high!’ Mumba points out. ‘Lucky for Shey and I we are single and loving it!’

‘Yes and one step away from lesbian!’ we all laugh at the bold statement. Finally after roaming around the car park, hooting, cussing and swearing in all manner of languages, we get ta parking spot. Tendai asks the other girls to walk ahead of us so that she can have a word with me. I wonder what about because she and I never have a heart to heart.

‘ Now Shey, feel free to tell me that it is none of mybusiness….’

‘it is none of your business’ I retort

‘That was a rhetorical question woman and you know I will still make it my business. Well you know the B1 song right? I know you know it.Well perfecto kulibe mama and I really don’t know what you are waiting for. Aside the dreadlocks and the motor bike, which is a look you don’t usually go for,Dante is super-hot and you know it. I saw you two last night and I also know that when you left, some hungry looking chick was all over him! He didn’t seem interested though and Hope kept telling her to back off.’

‘So why are you telling me all this? I couldn’t care less ifhe has moved on or whatever. Maybe she will be able to give him what I can’t’

‘Except you and me both know that you care for him. Your reaction last night after seeing said it all! People only react with so much anger forthe things that matter and he my friend matters’

‘Did he send you here to do his dirty work for him? I don’t have time for a wasteman. Dante had his chance and he blew it. He does not get to disappear and reappear at a whim. I am not his doormat!’ I feel my face flushing a bright red. Tendai has no idea what happened so how dare she stands here to defend Dante. If Dante has something to say to me, he can say it to my face.Let him work a bit harder.

‘Shey, it is nothing to be ashamed of, you know being avirgin and what not’
‘What are you on about now Tendai?’ I dread the answer that I somehow know I am going to hear. She seems to know a lot more than she isletting on.

‘Dante told me that most nights you two tried to have sex,it was impossible for him to do the business! Like literally impossible!’ I am horrified! Oh so now he is busy spreading my business around? Why do I even bother with men eh? ‘He was not gossiping but the guy needed to talk to someone and we both know a drunken Hope is not the best person to chat secrets to. He reckons it is the reason you dumped him? It doesn’t make any sense!’

‘Well then, before you continue campaigning for him, ask him about Lombe from UNZA’.Tendai looks confused and mutters the name over and over. She stops for a moment and thinks. I continue to walk ahead till she trots after me in her high heels. She is laughing uncontrollably. Apparently I said something funny. Does she think a man cheating is funny because if she does, it is about to go down right now and I am not the one wearing weave today. We reach the other girls and I keep pestering her to tell me what the heck is sofunny.

‘Whooo, woman you made me run like Usain Bolt!’ Trust her to exaggerate. ‘Hope, guess who this girl is tripping about! But before I tell you, you better promise not to tell her the answer about her long years of unnecessary suffering. Promise!’ Hope and Mumba both promise not to reveal the so called answered whilst I remain there looking baffled. We find a table quickly after ordering and madam Tendai takes over again. ‘She does not want to see Dante’s fine hazel nut eyes self because of…’she breaks off into fits of giggles again and in between them mutters ‘….because of Lombe’ All the girls burst out laughing so hard I swear one of them might pee. This is so awkward,have you ever been at a table where you the only one not laughing but the whole room is staring? The odd one out! Yes Weldone girls. Bloody well done.

Hope finally gets her composure, wipes some tuma tears offher face then says ‘girl listen, you had better get your hands back on Dante yeah I hear them church girls are fast when it comes to landing them a good hunkof meat like him’ they laugh again. So what if they take him? I really don’t care until he explains this somehow hilarious fiasco to me….I do not want to see him. Tendai thinks she knows me so well. If she did, she would know that men for me, are not an easy topic. I left myself be vulnerable with Dante. So vulnerable that I really believed I was ready with him just like aunty Towela had stated. I could be a secondary virgin until I chose to be otherwise. As fatehas it, I seem to be a bloody permanent one don’t I? And their precious Dantecould not wait to bolt my door, for the room right ahead of mine. Dirty stinking obnoxious scoundrel!

[Phone rings- private number] I choose to ignore it. Why do people even bother to call you on a private number? Just don’t blow up my phone if you don’t want me to see your name ignoramus. The girls keep their beady eye on me when the phone rings again and I cut it. ‘He gon be snatched up fast thismekaling you are doing for him. Zed girls don’t waste time my friend’ Mumbalaughs.

[Text- It is Dante. Please let me see you so we can talk] I look up trying to figure out which of them gave him my number. Well since we are apparently working together, he can see me then. It will be easier to avoid him there but I swear this is becoming borderline stalkerish.

Sweetest Taboo3 pt 3

I lay on the bed for a few minutes trying to figure out whether I am in my own bed or if by chance I was bad enough to wake up in astrangers. This has become a very unsettling ritual for me. Everything has to be just right. My eyes do the roaming and when I smell my morning dosage of breakfast of bacon and eggs, courtesy of Charity, I am comforted to know that I am home. My eyes alone do the roaming just to make sure.

Ah! My head protests as I try to sit up in bed and get myself ready for the day. The room spins for a few moments and my legs feel asthough they are carrying lead of some sort. Yes I am definitely not work material today, I feel like shit and probable look like it too. I decide totake my time before venturing into the busy Lusaka town although independence road should be fairly clear. At least my car does not get confronted by athousand street vendors all trying to sell the same commodity- newspapers. I crawl back into bed and decide to snooze for a little bit longer.


‘Aunty, aunty,’ It is Charity at the door obviously trying to get me up. ‘Aunty mwachedwa (you are late) I jerk up out of bed and checkthe clock only to find it is already 10:00 hours! Oh my God my boss is going to have my head. I rush round getting ready and do not even have time for a quick one soap one water. As I head out of the bedroom I bump into Hope. I feel like strangling her right here and right now. She looks as raggedy as she calls others. Her hair is a mess and her mascara is everywhere giving her panda eyes. She is still in her pyjamas, the one’s carrying the slogan ‘naughty but nice’. Couldn’t be more accurate.

‘Good morning Shey. I took the liberty of cancelling worktoday after all it is Friday.’ I look at her bewildered! When will she ever stop with the meddling and the constant ambition to irritate me? ‘Relax they were pretty cool about it. I just told Jasper that you had a toothache and he miraculously remembered that you were suffering from one and wished you a quick recovery. Come on it is 10:00 hours and you want to go to work with a raggedy coochie? No mama that is not the business and no Zambian boss in his right mind is going to allow a junior to walk into his office casually late. Don’t worry you can thank me later’. I hate to admit it but she does have a point. My ass was going to be toast especially if I want to work my way up this would have been detrimental to my strategy. I can’t help but think Jasper only accepted theexcuse because he has a soft spot for Hope.

‘Why on earth did you think that bringing him would havebeen a good idea and even more so a surprise?’ I ask pissed at the memory.
‘You are welcome.’ She says unconcerned.
‘You cannot just go around fixing life for people. I had my reasons for not wanting Dante around’
‘Then please tell me what it is Shey because I am getting sick of this lifestyle of yours where you tip toe around everyone and everybody. I have been friends with you for so long and by the way so has Dante and I just do not understand how you could go from outstanding love to downright hate’.

‘Because for you hope everything in life is simple and everything is a joke. Some of us are not like that. While you can go around and date and sleep with any guy you want, some of us are conscious about what we say and do and how we are treated’ I say hardly believing anything that I am saying but I am sure university has taught me how to tell any lie convincingly. But what is worse is that I am a prisoner of words unspoken once again. The truth is that I have an insecurity that I cannot understand. The truth is when you look at me you see an ambitious strong determined lawyer to be but in actual fact am just a girl with a broken past. I feel lost in this small world of Zambia and yes I dated Dante from high school right up to 2^nd year of university. I was present physically but emotionally absent.

See there is something about guys that’s makes me sceptical.My papa was very loving but when things got bad he was not man enough to stand up and protect me. No. Instead I watched Trevor scoot around the house for a while before mama made him disappear. I did not ask any more questions after that. I just agreed to accept that he had disappeared but soon after that mama said we had to move from that house. She could not have been more right. Chisanga had said we moved because we had to leave papa behind. He was not a strong man. I loved my papa but I never understood why he never protected me. To this day I live with the fear of getting close to a man because I think they will not be able to stay the minute things go wrong yes it is safer for me to be alone and if things go wrong, I can only have myself to blame.

What kills me most is that I do not know how to tell Hope the real reason we broke up. She is such a pro when it comes to guys and her confidence oozes like it is the stepping stone to heaven. I don’t want to be as loose as her but I want to be confident enough to be able to go into a relationship without over thinking things. I normally sabotage my relationship before I am actually hurt.
Dante and I had an awesome relationship and after grade 9 we both made it to the famous DK. He was still the shy guy that he was at primary and we both maintained the friendship. Needless to say he was the technical brain and I had just made it to David Kaunda not for that type of brain but for my linguistic ability. French had just been introduced at the school and so voila! There was my ticket into one of the most prestigious government schools in the country.

Hope went to Ibenga girls in Luanshya but by some miracle that girl always managed to see me in Lusaka at least twice a month! Dante was in the class in front of mine.
Most of the time he just sat there in his classroom drawing stuff in his notebook or on his covers. My friends in place of Hope, Mumba and Chola could not get why I was so fascinated with Dante. They could have sworn that really and truly Dante was gay. Either that or he just was plain weird. I knew he was neither because he and I had come far enough to know that although it was not exactly out there, we liked each other a lot. Even more so, I liked the fact that he had maintained his quietish personality except when he was in the company of his mates. Anyway I made it my ambition to make him mine.

So when we hit grade 11 and both made prefect, well him headboy and me a mere prefect, it was the icing on the cake. I got a lot more time to spend with him and after a few ‘study sessions’ in the dingo, I was besotted by him. I called him my ‘man of destiny’. I would write to Hope frequently about him and tell her how far we had gone with our relationship.
‘Dear Hope,
Can you believe that we had wasted so much time in actually becoming a couple? Dante is absolutely amazing and I think it is by some miracle that I will pass my exams because really and truly all I think about is him! It is that kind of feeling that makes your stomach flip and you can’t tell whether you are anxious or genuinely need to pee.
Oh you should see the many gifts he brings me every time he gets a chance to go to the shops. It is either a card or some chocolates or simply a letter that he has written for me. Mumba usually delivers the letters seeing as they are in the same class. Can you believe she actually told him off for sealing the envelope? Says the schools policy is no coupling so if he wants her to keep the secret he ought to keep them open. Oh Hope I am so in love with him!...’
And so on the letters went. It was no surprise therefore that when we both made it to the University of Zambia, we stayed together and our relationship progressed except for one area….he could never manage to penetrate. One day after another failed encounter, I witnessed him coming out of Lombe’s room shirt unbuttoned. Not to mention it was early hours of the morning too. I refused to pick up his calls or entertain any of nonsense after that. He never really knew why I decided to cool it off with him. I figured,typical man! When it gets tough, they run!

Sweetest Taboo 3pt 2

‘What up late comers! Welcome to my den! At your service,the lioness herself baby. If you aint here to get drunk then you better goright on home!!’  Tendai shouts as opposed to talk when she comes to meet us at the door. Their house in Avondale is massive. It goes three storeys just like the houses in the Nigerian movies.You know the ones I mean. They make you wonder whether it is a house or an embassy!

Our hostess looks every part the diva rocking a short black dress with gold spikes Michael Jackson style pocking from the shoulder and shoes to match. I allow my mind to wonder whether the outfit was sold together or whether it is just luck that she stumbled across something so well suited. Her long weave boasts mixed colours of black and honey with the lighter tone taking precedence. She whips her weave back as she models Lioness style into the house, us following obediently like cubs.

Mampi’s track ‘Give him some love’ blasts through the speakers demanding you join the dance floor raucous style. There is no room for chitchat but Hope still manages to scream above the music that we should find where the alcohol is and head off down a corridor that leads to the kitchen. Of course trust her to know where everything is. I hate parties and all this charade. Crowds make me uncomfortable especially when people creep behind me and all that. Fear seems to be the only friend that accompanies me nowadays.The house is packed with guys of all sorts. Tall, short, fat, ugly, handsome they are all here. As is the norm, they are obviously outnumbered by the female specie.

‘Right, we are going to have to wipe that tense look off your face it makes you look raggedy! Here drink this.’
She hands me a glass of red wine and orders me to down it before pouring me one which I can sip slowly. She is treacherous this one but not wrong. I lighten up and manage a smile.‘Now you know we have to hit the dance floor so get your dancing face on andlets go. Plus your surprise awaits you.’

We head over to the dance floor and when the DJ sees her coming, he changes the track to ‘Dancehall Queen by Beenie and Lady Saw’ this song is our jam and has been for years it is our signature. When the track starts we dance over onto the dance floor moving everybody out of the way so they can make room for us. In seconds there is enough room for us to start mashing up the place. The booty pop bashment style is released and the Willie bounce soon comes in. Our girls come and join in and then the track changes to the Dutty wine.

By now I have forgotten any sense of shame and chastity. This song unleashes a Jamaican in me who was never a part of my blood but I dated briefly. Hope, Tendai and I set off swishing our heads round duttywine style while in other corners girls are whining up on any dudes they can grab a hold of. The best part of parties for me is the dancing that’s why you would never catch me dead in a dress on the dancefloor.  I am doing the headstand and popping my booty in the air and getting downright raggedy. Bashment is my middle name and thank God no one from work sees me in this state.

Guys can be so annoying when you are enjoying doing the tekweh yuhself and that is when he thinks it is a good idea to come and dance up behind you. I have little patience for that. I just want to dance and get the hell out of there. Sex is not on the cards for me. It is almost like I am allergic to it and I just don’t seem to understand why. Since the rape incident, Hope and I shy away from rowdy clubs and prefer to stay in places like a house party where you have a chance of making it out undefiled! I guess it is just the scars left over that make us so conscious.

‘Shekinah come and get your surprise woman!’
‘Can it not wait till the song finishes?’ she grabs my hand and leads me to the entrance of the house where it is a little quieter. I am dripping with sweat and the fresh air slaps me like a soldier. My hair is slightly matted to my face as if to tell me off for ruining my makeup. There are two guys standing at the entrance and when they both turn I feel almost sick to my stomach mixed with butterflies. Aaargh Hope how could she do this to me. I told her I never want to see his sorry dreadlocked self again.

His strong eyes lock with mine. The intense hazel hypnotising my every senses. Gosh this man is fine. Worst part is that he is even finer than the last time we dated.Oh damn now I feel uncomfortable and self-conscious. Do I look better or worse than the last time I saw this guy? My gosh he is even taller now and that chest! It could pass for a double bed. His skin is a smooth dark chocolate it puts a baby’s bottom to shame. Is that even legal for a guy to be this hot?

‘Zambia!!’ He rumbles looking at me from the corner of his eye whilst he leans against the door frame with his biker jacket hanging leisurely on his shoulder. Arrogant prick! Cannot even call me by my name still. Well two can play that game!
‘Jamaica!’ I say through clenched teeth. Does he think hecan just stroll back here like nothing happened? Well tough boobies because I aint that raggedy! I shoot Hope a stern look but her alcohol fever shields her from the fiery pits of hell.

‘Yuh look fine nuh man! Yuh till di dancehall queen no doubt’ he rumbles again. Aaargh it makes me sick how I can hate and love a man at the same time. No not love. Absolutely loathe him! Yet my feet stay rootedto the spot. It is either the alcohol or I am plain stupid one of the two. ‘Can wi talk?’

‘First of all Dante, hear mi well. Speak to me inna English nah patois you overstand?’ I say tapping my head with a finger. ‘Secondly the name is Shekinah, not Zambia and thirdly I have nothing to say to you.’ I turnto leave him and the party but he trots after me and grabs my hand. I pull away from him with such attitude he is taken aback. His long sexy dreadlocks swing back over his shoulder. Gently he swishes them back with one hand whilst still maintaining eye contact. He is a walking talking aphrodisiac!

‘Listen, I am sorry. I was cheeky and didn’t realise it but for you I will speak in proper English. I can’t see why you are still so angry at me though! I thought with time we could get things back to how they used to be.’ He has obviously picked up a very strong Jamaican accent the past coupleof years and even though he is speaking English you still pick the twang of his accent. Some might think it is delicious. I roll my eyes at him and warn him to stay away from me. ‘You are still feisty! I like that! But yuh know mi luv you long time!’ I slap him instantly.

‘English Dante! Now stay away from me. Is that clear?’ Hope runs after me shooting him one of those drop dead now looks and follows me to the car. ‘Hope how could you bring him to the party? You enjoy seeing me upset do you?’
‘What the hell Shey! You never really told me what happened with you two and I thought you were only mad at him because he left with hismother for Jamaica after the father died. Tell me what’s wrong!’

‘You and he can figure it out together. I am going home.Dante can bring you back!’ With that I slam the door of the car and zoom off home.