Bigger than Love 6

My father was awesome. Aside the rough relationship between he and Caroline AKA as mother dearest, Daddy was my best friend. Every night as a child, I would look forward to him coming home and letting me sit on his lap. More because Caroline was too busy paying attention to more children than she gave birth to, to allow me the luxury of being the last born. It was not so with Daddy. Our house was filled with 8 children, 3 who belonged to my parents and the others were a result of my mothers good Samaritan efforts. Whenever we managed to have chicken for dinner, be rest assured that it was going to be massacred equally amongst us all!! It was frustrating. All the kids I had known who were last borns' were treated like royalty but in my world, the only one who treated me as such was Daddy. I would wait by the window when the clock struck 18:00 knowing that in about 20 minutes, Daddy would show up around the corner of our Luanshya house.

You could see the road through the wire fence so as soon as I saw Daddy approaching, I would leap off the seat and run down the hallway and out to the veranda where I would wait impatiently singing ' ba Daddy chololo!' except I was not allowed to go further than the doorstep. However soon as my 6ft 2 father reached the lavender smelling veranda, who was tackled by the only girl in the world who thought of him as a king. I would push him onto the sofa and take his shoes off. God help any of the other siblings if they dared even come close to Daddy as I was doing my ritual! He was mine. My hero.  I would then rush to the kitchen and insist that Caroline hand me his tray of food for me to take through. Our small kitchen would be packed with 6 boys, 1 girl and Caroline. My older brother Chimunya was the noisiest of all. he would never give up the attention that was accorded to him while he played the clown. I loved Chimunya because he was the only one at the time that treated me like a princess but there was always a long queue for his attention so Daddy would have to do.

Caroline would hand me the tray carefully but my 8 year old hands would still manage to rattle it as I hurried through the dining room and into the lounge. The lounge was separated from the dining room by a net curtain, making it a bit cumbersome for me to walk through with a tray in hand. I would walk to the edge of the net and use my shoulder to brush the net to the side. Daddy would pull the little lounge table closer in readiness for me to set the tray down. Daddy's chair of course faced the small JVC television. By the time it was 19:00 the room would be silenced as ZNBC news was broadcasted. The only noise I was allowed to make was singing along to the eagle that appeared on the screen when news started 'weo weo colo colo' I would sing with a big smile on my face.

After the news Daddy would let me sit on his lap and tell him about my day and how many books I had read and if I had mastered any Shakespeare poetry yet. ' Young lady, did you read about Ceaser?' he would enquire.

 ' Yes Daddy. For Brutus is an honourable man, so are they all, all honourable men. But when the poor have died, Ceasar hath wept.... Actually Daddy can I recite my favourite poem for you?'

  'Hahahaha, Ofcourse Miss Chansa. Make Daddy proud. Lets hear it then'

 ' Turning and turning in the widening gyre         

The falcon cannot hear the falconer; Things fall apart;

 the center cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,

The blood-dimmed tide is loosed,

and everywhere The ceremony of innocence is drowned;

The best lack all conviction, while the worst Are full of passionate intensity.'

 'Ah and who wrote that poem?'

 'Daddy!!! I told you it was Chinua Achebe!! Daddy do you think I can be a poet like Mr Achebe one day?'

 'Oho!! Chinua who and who?' Daddy would tackle me and tickle me until I begged him to stop lest I pee.

 Tears fill my eyes as I approach the door of our Lusaka home. I am no longer 8. I am 26 and still the pride of my father. More than fearing that he will hurt me for being in the family way, I fear that he will hate me and put a halt to our lovely relationship. I open the kitchen door quietly. Jay is sitting at the dining table which is adjacent to the kitchen. The sliding door behind him reveals my now old man sitting watching television with his back to the door. Jay knows better than to hola as I put on my best vexed face and sneak through to my bedroom.

(Knocking) 'Lanie! It's me open up' Jay is at the  door and I would be darned if I speak to him even though I so badly want to, I find it hard because of how judgemental he will be. He is Carolines favourite child of course because he is so pious! He has the perfect girlfriend and they say they don't get down and dirty. He is definitely not the right person to comfort me. Jay opens the door but does not switch on the light.

'Lanie, talk to me....Mum told me what happened.' Dammit Caroline!! Can she not keep anything to herself? She has spread my business like bushfire and worst part of it is she has not even bothered to talk to me! ' Mwilla is coming back in an hour. He does not know what has happened yet but I am sure he will by the end of the night. Lanie you know Dad is not just going to be mad at you, it will be us as well right? Because we used to take you to Kabwata.' Silence.

'If you are thinking of abortion, don't do it. You know it is a sin right?' Here we go. I hate how people think because you cannot speak in tongues, you have no idea about commandments. In my defence, the chicks in the bible totally had no understanding about battling single life well into your twenties. They were married by the time they were 12!! Sure , Jay and his girl are celibate but she is far from a virgin so I think..bite me!!I don't need this judgement and harassment. I need support.

 'Jay!! Junior!' Shaka holas from the living room.

' Abe!' Jay responds respectively.

'Is your sister back?'

' Yes she is'

'Aaargh!! tell her to come here!' Jay hands me a chitenge (this is material you wrap around your waist in presence of elders especially if you are wearing tight clothing) and I walk sheepishly to the living room.

'Hi'

'Sit down' I sit on the couch closest to the nearest exit. There are photos of me on the TV display when I was 16 looking as feisty as teenagers can manage. There is another photograph of me in my graduation gown near the front door. Behind the big three seater couch is a collage of my brothers in order of age, Jay , Chimunya ( now late) and Mwilla and then the rest is plastered with Daddy's little girl.

' So what is going on?' He is unusually calm and it freaks me out. If I know Dad, he is waiting for the opportune moment to blow his top.

' I don't know what you mean.'

' The message I got from your mother,,,errr she says you may be in the family way.' Gross. This is of course very uncomfortable because we have never had such a conversation that involves my bedroom activities.

'Well?'

'I am not sure if I am' I lie.

' So why would your mother say you are if you are not sure?'

'I told her that I was worried that  I was and I did not know what to do'. Daddy kisses his teeth and crosses his legs. A sure sign some murder is about to take place.

'So you mean to tell me an intelligent girl would not know better than to use protection? Huh?' Silence.

'Do you know where you are? HIV/AIDS is real!! What if this boy is contaminated eh? What if you got more than just a pregnancy? Everything we have done for you and then you do this? Lanie have you lost your mind?! ' He is now standing up and pacing up and down with hands on hips. ' Since you came you have done what you like and when you like! You have hardly spent any time with your family and yet this boy whoever he is spends everyday with you. CHILLING!! What the hell is chilling?'

'Dad I have spent time with family mostly your side of the family.'

'OK. So if you just think you are in the family way, does this boy know? Your mother tells me that he is a musician is that true? No son in law of mine is going to be galavanting around singing thug music! If he does, do not even bother bringing him here until he gets a real job!. All this time you tell me Daddy I am going for a party, I am staying at Chichi's place, you think I did not know that you were lying? I am not stupid and I was not born yesterday but this?? This is below you!' He bellows.

' Dad, I have never lied to you, but we both know I have been on holiday yet you insist on my spending time with your relatives! Maybe if you were not so strict about trying to inflict tradition onto me after ten years in diaspora perhaps I would have found a way to be more open with you about my whereabouts.'

 'You don't have to know my relatives if you don't want to!'

'Well that's not true because you hijack me to their homes at every opportune moment. They are not even remotely interested in me but more in what I can give them and you are well aware that those diabolical aunties of mine have never been interested in knowing us as children  so why are you feeding me to them now?'

 'Don't digress from the topic young lady. You have really disappointed me.' He sighs and sits down. Obviously trying very hard to supress his anger. So far he has been surprisingly tolerant of my chat back. ' So who is this boy then? What is his name?'

 'Ryan'.

 ' Does he work? I hear he is a musician.'

 'I don't know about that. I told mum I thought I was pregnant but I have not had the test yet so I don't know'. 'So your mum is lying?' Silence.

' Dad I don't want to talk about it.'

'Oh you don't want to talk about it!! I am trying here and you are not making it easy Lanie! I am calling your mother right now and don't you dare answer back!' I swear I have never seen him this angry before! I shrink into my seat and wait for him to dial Caroline's number.

'Hello' Caroline answer in her usual sweet voice. Right now I do not like her very much. Like gosh she just spread my news like a virus so pardon me if I don't feel very grateful right now.

' Mmm what did this young lady tell you?' Caroline answer but I miss what she is saying since she is not on speaker phone. ' I got a text from her saying that she was pregnant and that she was thinking of abortion'. Oh colour me bad! It hardly said that! Now I can feel my blood boiling.

'See this is why I did not want her to go to England but you and your sister insisted...'

'Bashi Jay don't even start accusing me or blaming me for this!' Caroline interrupts. ' She did not get pregnant in my care but yours.' Dad goes quiet for a moment takes a deep sigh then says ' Do you want to speak to her?'

 ' Yes sure.' He hands over the phone to me but I decline to take it. 'I do not wish to speak with her I mumble'. Daddy is now livid. 'You what?' He screams throwing the crystal mantel piece that is perched on the glass and it smashes to smithereens.

 ' Iwe! your mother says she wants to talk to you and you refuse?!!!' He is fuming and is pacing up and down once again. I stand up frightened and shaking but I still hold my head high and look him in the face. 'Caroline is this how you let her speak to you?' Luckily, MTN come to Caroline's rescue and the connection cuts but I will need a miracle to be rescued from this raging Lion in front of me. I think I might just pee. 'You said you were coming here to look for a placement and you told me you were going to get experience for your degree!! What have you done about that huh?!! I am trembling and about to start crying when Jay opens the door calmly to the lounge.

Daddy backs off for a bit, takes his glasses off and turns to Jay. You knew about this didn't you. Jay stands next to me. Even though Nchimunya and I used to be closer, Jay has always been our protector. He would always defend Caroline from Dad and now he is doing it for me. Jay is not as tall. In fact he stands about 5ft6 but his temper goes for miles when it is unleashed and it looks like it is about to. 'We shall continue this talk tomorrow. With your aunty present'.

 'Why? I said I don't even know if I am pregnant.'

 'Well you better find out right!!'  He roars as he storms out of the living room. He heads out the door in readiness to return to his other woman's house. Yes, he no longer lives with us, but around the corner from the house with his illegitimate woman. This is one of the issues that confronted me on my return. Daddy and his heinous sisters who tortured Caroline in the early years of their marriage are so closely affiliated with this woman and have been hoping I would establish a relationship with her. Like hell I will!! Caroline and I are not as close as she is with Jay but don't get it twisted I still love her. I only refer to her as Caroline when she pulls a stunt like the one she did today. Anyway, talk about pot calling kettle black! He is disappointed in me when he be doing wrong. I follow behind and hear him stop Mwilla at the door of the Kitchen and grab him by the shirt. 'You and your brother!! You will pay for this!! Mukachimona! You think I don't know that you used to drive your sister there??!!'

'Dad don't you go threatening them! They have nothing to do with this!' I yell by the doorstep.

'You!! You should learn to shut up! Learn..(he folds a fist in my face) to shut up!'.

' That's it!. I am not staying here!' I say and swoon past him and out of the gate. As soon as I get out I pull out my phone and I am in a flood of tears. I keep walking in the darkness towards Chris Corner. Instantly my phone starts buzzing. It is mum. Daddy has obviously told her about the altercation. I have no idea where I am going and the drunk men patrolling the streets frighten the living daylights out of me. I decide to use the main woodlands road as it is better lit by passing cars. I text Ryan that I have left the house after sending mum to voicemail. It is now 21:00 hours and there are no buses. I can't go to Chichi's place because she is working from Kitwe this week. Shit. A drunk man stops and tries to talk to me but I ignore him and hurry on ahead. As I approach Chris Corner someone grabs me from the back and I gasp my heart beating from my mouth.......