Silent Wives 21- Get the bleep out

Temwani walks into the room nonchalantly and throws his jacket over the kitchen table. I have not brought myself to say anything but I follow him into the kitchen. My eyes are red from crying but are protected by the dim light of the candles. The only other thing that may expose me before I get the chance to get the truth from him is my voice.

He sits heavily in the chair in front of him and tosses his head back to relax then almost immediately sits back upright again and looks directly at me.

‘What?’ he asks with a look of frustration on his face. I barely recognise the man that used to bring euphoria in my life. The Temwani that I was sure would give me a happy ever after. He smelt my vulnerability and did not waste time to swoop in for the carcass left over by Charlie. I shake my head and say nothing because I do not know where to start.

Yes I know I said I would tell him immediately I get the chance but it is not as easy as you think it is. It is easy to dream up all sorts of things that you will say to someone when they are not there but then when you are face to face with them it is as good as someone cutting out your tongue. I settle myself in the chair opposite him and try to make small talk. It is like he can sense something is up so soon as I open my mouth, he begins with the accusations.

‘Why do you not just come out and say what it is you want to say Lara?’

‘I am just asking how your day was. Is that so wrong? Honestly it is like I don’t know you anymore!’

‘Oh here we go again with this shit!’ I walked right into that trap as usual. I start to weaken and watch every fibre in my body start to wither away. It is a pathetic sight if you ask me.

‘Listen if you do not want to talk about it then it is fine too’ I say in a pathetic little voice. I am aware that I am letting him off the hook easily and the little supposed to be goddess in my head is furious at me as I wither shamefully into my chair. Temwani gets up and is about to walk to the door. He has me hooked on stupid. He knows that I really want this to work and I watch him flex his muscles at the added advantage he has over me. He stops and turns around to look at me before he begins to speak again.

‘You know what, you really bore me! I find you so tedious! I have been trying to make this work but all you do is complain. What am I supposed to do when all we do is fight?’

‘Temwani, when was the last time we fought? Can I not just ask you a simple question without getting third degree burns from you?’

‘Well, I just cannot bear it! No wonder I am getting more and more distant! You do this to yourself! You hurt yourself all the time!’ I drop my jaw at the mention of this ridiculous notion. Nowadays an argument can ensue between us for no reason at all and all because of that temper of his! Like seriously is he going to try and transfer his faults onto me? ‘You always put the blame on me for everything!’ now he has pissed me off so I go straight to the kitchen door and shut the door so Passy is out of sight. I turn and face Temwani with fire in my eyes.

‘You want to make me out to be the bad person here? You are cheating on me and I have to hear it from people that you are seen with that Gertrude of a character and I am just supposed to sit back and keep quiet?’

‘Oh so you choose to believe those people over me? Do I not live with you? Where the hell do you even get these stories from anyway?’

‘Everyone knows it Temwani! Everyone! You think you are sleek huh! After everything I do for you? What have I done to deserve this?’ I am aware that I am whining but I have no other option when the female in me decides she wants to come out. She should probably just shut up. Why do I need to confront him when the whole world can see exactly what he is doing? It is because I feel so stupid for having moved in with him and this is something that I have to make work isn’t it? For all I have tried to sacrifice for him including the love of my family. It just has to work. It must work. My inner goddess is beyond mad at me for this type of thinking. She shakes her head at me and tells me to leave his ass and walk away.

‘Baby this is too much for much. Drama everyday!’ Aaaargh! Why do guys  do this? They do it on purpose I swear to god. They put you in an awkward situation knowing full well it will piss you off and then when you do get mad about it, they turn around and call you the irrational one!

‘Temwani do you know what, I am tired as well of your bullshit….’ He can barely believe that the words just came out of my mouth but screw it. I have been unhappy for so long and this crap does not get any better. Why simply because I have not given him a baby yet? On what basis does he deserve one anyway? My inner goddess begins to jump up and down at this revelation. She pats me on the back to egg me on. I agree with her and high five her then carry one dishing Temwani what he has been waiting for all along. The biggest dump of his life.

‘Get out! I want you to pack your shit and go and find peace with Gertrude. Take your crap before you turn me into your punching bag or something. I do not have time for this foolishness Temwani. How long am I supposed to wait for your ass to propose? You are just going to continue living in my house and eat my food whilst you use your money for that whore? Well pardon my French but I don’t fucking think so. Pack your shit now and get out!’ I say pointing to the door. Seriously enough is enough. How dare he calls me boring after he is the one who has just been a dickhead!! No thanks. He has got to go. I need me a man I can count on. A man I can trust. The prince I have always dreamt of and I am going to wait to get him until the day I die.

‘Baby, stop being irrational. Let us sit and talk about this? Where do you think I am going to go at this hour and I am not seeing anyone!’

‘Listen Mr Macho! You were so strong when you came in. You stood there and called me all sorts of names and for what? For what? For asking how your day was? For calling you out on you hurting me? Do you really see me as that much of a doormat that you can have me use the very best of me to try and make a life for us and you just sit there and call me boring! Well if I am so boring, go and find someone who has time to entertain you, you ungrateful piece of shit! It is men like you that make women become bitches! You are not moving?.....OK wait for me. Pascalina! Come in here!’ Passy waddles in sheepishly.

‘Do not bother with his food. Get me the black bag.’ Passy gets the bin liner and I instruct her to follow me to the room with a candle. I don’t care if he is seeing Gertrude or not but he cannot call me boring and think that is OK. Two years of my life down the drain and he has the audacity to call me boring! Chakuti chako. Passy and I stuff a few stuff in the bin liner and head towards the kitchen. My lips are pursed in fury and I do not acknowledge him when he tries to talk to me. I simply walk out to the car and chuck stuff outside the gate.

I walk back to the house the sound of my flipflops announcing my determination. He sees me and stays put in the kitchen.

‘Temwani, you think I am joking? You think I am joking?’ I pick up the pot with boiling and threaten to pour it on him. ‘If you do not move out of my house in the next few minutes I will pour this soup over you. Don’t dare me Temwani!’ My hand is quite unstable and it is probably this that causes him to dash out shouting that I am a crazy bitch. ‘You better drive out fast before I kicked you so hard in your ujeni you will taste it for breakfast! Call me the newest bitch in town! Better recognise! Nonsense!’ My inner goddess does a little somersault when she sees him leave and lands a big kiss on my cheek. I feel good but I break down and cry. I cry for the lost time and for the way I allowed myself to be the biggest idiot on planet earth! Passy does not hesitate. She hugs me and squeezes me tight.  

 

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