I lay on the bed for a few minutes trying to figure out whether I am
in my own bed or if by chance I was bad enough to wake up in astrangers.
This has become a very unsettling ritual for me. Everything has to be
just right. My eyes do the roaming and when I smell my morning dosage of
breakfast of bacon and eggs, courtesy of Charity, I am comforted to
know that I am home. My eyes alone do the roaming just to make sure.
Ah!
My head protests as I try to sit up in bed and get myself ready for the
day. The room spins for a few moments and my legs feel asthough they
are carrying lead of some sort. Yes I am definitely not work material
today, I feel like shit and probable look like it too. I decide totake
my time before venturing into the busy Lusaka town although independence
road should be fairly clear. At least my car does not get confronted by
athousand street vendors all trying to sell the same commodity-
newspapers. I crawl back into bed and decide to snooze for a little bit
longer.
‘Aunty, aunty,’ It is Charity at the
door obviously trying to get me up. ‘Aunty mwachedwa (you are late) I
jerk up out of bed and checkthe clock only to find it is already 10:00
hours! Oh my God my boss is going to have my head. I rush round getting
ready and do not even have time for a quick one soap one water. As I
head out of the bedroom I bump into Hope. I feel like strangling her
right here and right now. She looks as raggedy as she calls others. Her
hair is a mess and her mascara is everywhere giving her panda eyes. She
is still in her pyjamas, the one’s carrying the slogan ‘naughty but
nice’. Couldn’t be more accurate.
‘Good morning
Shey. I took the liberty of cancelling worktoday after all it is
Friday.’ I look at her bewildered! When will she ever stop with the
meddling and the constant ambition to irritate me? ‘Relax they were
pretty cool about it. I just told Jasper that you had a toothache and he
miraculously remembered that you were suffering from one and wished you
a quick recovery. Come on it is 10:00 hours and you want to go to work
with a raggedy coochie? No mama that is not the business and no Zambian
boss in his right mind is going to allow a junior to walk into his
office casually late. Don’t worry you can thank me later’. I hate to
admit it but she does have a point. My ass was going to be toast
especially if I want to work my way up this would have been detrimental
to my strategy. I can’t help but think Jasper only accepted theexcuse
because he has a soft spot for Hope.
‘Why on earth did
you think that bringing him would havebeen a good idea and even more so a
surprise?’ I ask pissed at the memory.
‘You are welcome.’ She says unconcerned.
‘You cannot just go around fixing life for people. I had my reasons for not wanting Dante around’
‘Then
please tell me what it is Shey because I am getting sick of this
lifestyle of yours where you tip toe around everyone and everybody. I
have been friends with you for so long and by the way so has Dante and I
just do not understand how you could go from outstanding love to
downright hate’.
‘Because for you hope everything in
life is simple and everything is a joke. Some of us are not like that.
While you can go around and date and sleep with any guy you want, some
of us are conscious about what we say and do and how we are treated’ I
say hardly believing anything that I am saying but I am sure university
has taught me how to tell any lie convincingly. But what is worse is
that I am a prisoner of words unspoken once again. The truth is that I
have an insecurity that I cannot understand. The truth is when you look
at me you see an ambitious strong determined lawyer to be but in actual
fact am just a girl with a broken past. I feel lost in this small world
of Zambia and yes I dated Dante from high school right up to 2nd year of university. I was present physically but emotionally absent.
See
there is something about guys that’s makes me sceptical.My papa was
very loving but when things got bad he was not man enough to stand up
and protect me. No. Instead I watched Trevor scoot around the house for a
while before mama made him disappear. I did not ask any more questions
after that. I just agreed to accept that he had disappeared but soon
after that mama said we had to move from that house. She could not have
been more right. Chisanga had said we moved because we had to leave papa
behind. He was not a strong man. I loved my papa but I never understood
why he never protected me. To this day I live with the fear of getting
close to a man because I think they will not be able to stay the minute
things go wrong yes it is safer for me to be alone and if things go
wrong, I can only have myself to blame.
What kills
me most is that I do not know how to tell Hope the real reason we broke
up. She is such a pro when it comes to guys and her confidence oozes
like it is the stepping stone to heaven. I don’t want to be as loose as
her but I want to be confident enough to be able to go into a
relationship without over thinking things. I normally sabotage my
relationship before I am actually hurt.
Dante and I had an
awesome relationship and after grade 9 we both made it to the famous DK.
He was still the shy guy that he was at primary and we both maintained
the friendship. Needless to say he was the technical brain and I had
just made it to David Kaunda not for that type of brain but for my
linguistic ability. French had just been introduced at the school and so
voila! There was my ticket into one of the most prestigious government
schools in the country.
Hope went to Ibenga girls
in Luanshya but by some miracle that girl always managed to see me in
Lusaka at least twice a month! Dante was in the class in front of mine.
Most
of the time he just sat there in his classroom drawing stuff in his
notebook or on his covers. My friends in place of Hope, Mumba and Chola
could not get why I was so fascinated with Dante. They could have sworn
that really and truly Dante was gay. Either that or he just was plain
weird. I knew he was neither because he and I had come far enough to
know that although it was not exactly out there, we liked each other a
lot. Even more so, I liked the fact that he had maintained his quietish
personality except when he was in the company of his mates. Anyway I
made it my ambition to make him mine.
So when we hit
grade 11 and both made prefect, well him headboy and me a mere prefect,
it was the icing on the cake. I got a lot more time to spend with him
and after a few ‘study sessions’ in the dingo, I was besotted by him. I
called him my ‘man of destiny’. I would write to Hope frequently about
him and tell her how far we had gone with our relationship.
‘Dear Hope,
Can
you believe that we had wasted so much time in actually becoming a
couple? Dante is absolutely amazing and I think it is by some miracle
that I will pass my exams because really and truly all I think about is
him! It is that kind of feeling that makes your stomach flip and you
can’t tell whether you are anxious or genuinely need to pee.
Oh
you should see the many gifts he brings me every time he gets a chance
to go to the shops. It is either a card or some chocolates or simply a
letter that he has written for me. Mumba usually delivers the letters
seeing as they are in the same class. Can you believe she actually told
him off for sealing the envelope? Says the schools policy is no coupling
so if he wants her to keep the secret he ought to keep them open. Oh
Hope I am so in love with him!...’
And so on the letters went. It
was no surprise therefore that when we both made it to the University of
Zambia, we stayed together and our relationship progressed except for
one area….he could never manage to penetrate. One day after another
failed encounter, I witnessed him coming out of Lombe’s room shirt
unbuttoned. Not to mention it was early hours of the morning too. I
refused to pick up his calls or entertain any of nonsense after that. He
never really knew why I decided to cool it off with him. I
figured,typical man! When it gets tough, they run!
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