In the morning, Ryan and I decide to hang outfor a
while before he leaves. After the amazing night, I just pray that
nothinggoes wrong. You see although Ryan is by miles a sweetheart, he
can also be aclass A douchebag. I mean the dude can complain about
anything and everything.If I pick a place to eat, he has to find some
sort of issue that is wrong withit. Last week he had a go at the
waitress because they could not prepare thet-bone in time. I mean, he
made the girl feel so awful that the manager had tostep in. To say the
least it was embarrasing.
Today I haverequested we actually eat at Trudy's. ' Mmm babe, I have had better food' washis response. As we arrive, he is the perfect gentleman and opens the door,pulls out the chair for me and places my order for me. 'This food is pricey.25pin for one! Mmmm the food better do somersaults...' and on we go just like Ifeared we would. He begins to criticise the food, the price and when the waitercomes he gives him agony about the fact that they sell water. 'No one who sellsNshima should sell water. It should be complimentary'. The memory of last nightis swiftly swept away as I become overwhelmed with embarassment. Imagine yourman complaining over water being sold....water.
'Baby, I waswondering if you have had any more thoughts about coming to see the pastor withme'?
'Why is itimportant?' he growls.
'You do not have totake your temper out on me, I am just asking'.
'Well where is thiscoming from? I just think it is random'. Is he bloody serious? Since I calledhim from the church he has not even brought up the subject and he leaves today.Not to mention, he has not talked about telling his father about this situation.Since the cat is out the bag, and Daddy had the scare that I could be pregnant,Daddy wants to meet Ryan. In England this would be no issue. We would justinvite him to dinner and voila, they meet every one is happy. Zambia on theother hand requires people from his side to come and present themselves to myfather and state Ryan's intention which for me sounds too complex.
I read one ofCarolines texts this morning which said '' You did not go home last night. Youare killing your father. Even if you are pregnant, your father will still loveyou. That boy can kick you out of his place but your father will never dothat''. I ponder the text a bit more but I decide I am not going to text herback. Her anxieties can be toxic.
'Oh so I gather youwill not be telling your father about the pregnancy as you had stated you wouldbecause the last time we spoke Ryan, you said that once you tell him, he canfigure out how to approach my dad but I get the sense that you are putting thisoff for as long as you possibly can! Correct me if I am wrong'.
'Baby! I do not wantto talk about this here!' he snaps.
'Or ever from thelooks of it! You know what Ryan, I like you better when we text because you arecharming and sweet and all things nice, but when we are together face to face,crap has a better chance at getting a kiss off me!' Goodbye. I get up and stormout of the restaurant with a desperate Ryan in tow. I flag down a cab. I cannotwait to get away from his condecending ass. He is so spoilt. His Dad has alwaysfixed things for him, given into his whims and now he telling me his Dad hassome issues at home and he feels inclined to help him out first.
First. This is thething he cannot seem to fathom. I dont back bench elegantly. When he sortshimself out, he knows my number. If he doesn't well then good riddance.
By the time I gethome, I do not stop to say hi, I do not entertain the looks of the prodigalchild shot at me, I just head straight for the bedroom. The door slams behindme without so much as hesitation.
I call Chichistraight away. ' Girl this is that bullshit!!' I heave down the phone. I hateit that you are always right, I hate that you know me better than myself and Ihate that crapbag spoilt excuse for a man Ryan!!' I yell. The house is silentalmost as if the walls are listening in on the conversation so I pick Ryan'spicture and chuck it at the wall to shut it up.
'Babe....' Chichisays calmly.
'What?! Don't youdare say that I am overreacting because I am wel in my right ok. He isobviously putting this off as much as he can and do you know who suffers? Yesme . I do. I get the morning sickness, I get patronised and I get to lose myfather, whilst he drags his little feet and is in no way my hero. It makes mesick to my stomach'.
'Did you two go outtoday?'
'Yes but what doesthat have to do with anything?'
'He was arrogantagain wasn't he. Girl you get like this everytime you two go out because youcannot stand his temper'.
'Yes Dr Chichi Iknow I cannot stand his temper...'
'Because he remindsyou of what you don't want to end up with. A man like your father'.
She has hit the nailon its head. I am afraid of marrying my father. Daddy has a temper for England.It ruins every outing we ake, every christmas, everything turns into some sortof debate and just frustrates everyone around him. Though he dots on me, Daddyis not the best husband to have. He is however, a good father.
'Dear God, you areright.'
'Oh yea, Lanie stopsleeping with him until he does right by you. Focus on the baby'.
Yes of course, myprecious Lubuto. I sit on the queen size bed and hold my belly . It is stillflat of course. I start talking to my little dot and tell him he is loved eventhough mummy and daddy just fought. It will all be well when he comes andeveryone is excited to see him. Taking my pen and paper I begin to scribble apoem for my little precious. Behind these walls, in a time when I need mymother the most and find myself alone, where I wish to speak with my family,Ifind myself alone, behind these walls of our house , it is just Lubuto and I.
We never can tellhow far your mercy goes
how we fall so manytimes
yet your mercies arenew every morning
A silent prayer fromthe lonely heart
blessed withabundance from Gods own love
Empowered by yourspirit filled with your joy
no one can take your love away
Life can beunpredictable
despite beingpredestined by you
the many times theybroke me
they gave me achance to love my own better
Until I cried to you
and stopped doingthings in my own power
you opened theheavens for me and now am filled
with overwhelminglove for him
each part of myheart waiting to hold him
I can feel my spiritready to embrace him
So close yet so far
It's not long now
I put away everylittle thing
so he can want fornothing
but he is a blessingfrom you
my El-Shaddai willbe more than enough for him
United family freefrom strongholds
free from pain andhinderance
for the head is yourown
full of life andlove
It's more than wecould have asked
Oh my God you aremerciful
How blessed are weto be your children
No one can take fromus
what God has provided
nor keep us from a destiny
that God has already laid out
Give me the courage oh Lord
to face each challenge with you
every step that I cannot understand
to bring him to you
Every temptation laid at your cross
Understanding thatsome things are out of our control
but we serve aliving God
and the power of apraying woman
will keep him safefrom harm
The paper just listens. It does not comment. It does not judge. It lets my heart bleed outthrough its ink. It listens until the fullstop.
Copyright ©Chisanshi Malama 2013.
Today I haverequested we actually eat at Trudy's. ' Mmm babe, I have had better food' washis response. As we arrive, he is the perfect gentleman and opens the door,pulls out the chair for me and places my order for me. 'This food is pricey.25pin for one! Mmmm the food better do somersaults...' and on we go just like Ifeared we would. He begins to criticise the food, the price and when the waitercomes he gives him agony about the fact that they sell water. 'No one who sellsNshima should sell water. It should be complimentary'. The memory of last nightis swiftly swept away as I become overwhelmed with embarassment. Imagine yourman complaining over water being sold....water.
'Baby, I waswondering if you have had any more thoughts about coming to see the pastor withme'?
'Why is itimportant?' he growls.
'You do not have totake your temper out on me, I am just asking'.
'Well where is thiscoming from? I just think it is random'. Is he bloody serious? Since I calledhim from the church he has not even brought up the subject and he leaves today.Not to mention, he has not talked about telling his father about this situation.Since the cat is out the bag, and Daddy had the scare that I could be pregnant,Daddy wants to meet Ryan. In England this would be no issue. We would justinvite him to dinner and voila, they meet every one is happy. Zambia on theother hand requires people from his side to come and present themselves to myfather and state Ryan's intention which for me sounds too complex.
I read one ofCarolines texts this morning which said '' You did not go home last night. Youare killing your father. Even if you are pregnant, your father will still loveyou. That boy can kick you out of his place but your father will never dothat''. I ponder the text a bit more but I decide I am not going to text herback. Her anxieties can be toxic.
'Oh so I gather youwill not be telling your father about the pregnancy as you had stated you wouldbecause the last time we spoke Ryan, you said that once you tell him, he canfigure out how to approach my dad but I get the sense that you are putting thisoff for as long as you possibly can! Correct me if I am wrong'.
'Baby! I do not wantto talk about this here!' he snaps.
'Or ever from thelooks of it! You know what Ryan, I like you better when we text because you arecharming and sweet and all things nice, but when we are together face to face,crap has a better chance at getting a kiss off me!' Goodbye. I get up and stormout of the restaurant with a desperate Ryan in tow. I flag down a cab. I cannotwait to get away from his condecending ass. He is so spoilt. His Dad has alwaysfixed things for him, given into his whims and now he telling me his Dad hassome issues at home and he feels inclined to help him out first.
First. This is thething he cannot seem to fathom. I dont back bench elegantly. When he sortshimself out, he knows my number. If he doesn't well then good riddance.
By the time I gethome, I do not stop to say hi, I do not entertain the looks of the prodigalchild shot at me, I just head straight for the bedroom. The door slams behindme without so much as hesitation.
I call Chichistraight away. ' Girl this is that bullshit!!' I heave down the phone. I hateit that you are always right, I hate that you know me better than myself and Ihate that crapbag spoilt excuse for a man Ryan!!' I yell. The house is silentalmost as if the walls are listening in on the conversation so I pick Ryan'spicture and chuck it at the wall to shut it up.
'Babe....' Chichisays calmly.
'What?! Don't youdare say that I am overreacting because I am wel in my right ok. He isobviously putting this off as much as he can and do you know who suffers? Yesme . I do. I get the morning sickness, I get patronised and I get to lose myfather, whilst he drags his little feet and is in no way my hero. It makes mesick to my stomach'.
'Did you two go outtoday?'
'Yes but what doesthat have to do with anything?'
'He was arrogantagain wasn't he. Girl you get like this everytime you two go out because youcannot stand his temper'.
'Yes Dr Chichi Iknow I cannot stand his temper...'
'Because he remindsyou of what you don't want to end up with. A man like your father'.
She has hit the nailon its head. I am afraid of marrying my father. Daddy has a temper for England.It ruins every outing we ake, every christmas, everything turns into some sortof debate and just frustrates everyone around him. Though he dots on me, Daddyis not the best husband to have. He is however, a good father.
'Dear God, you areright.'
'Oh yea, Lanie stopsleeping with him until he does right by you. Focus on the baby'.
Yes of course, myprecious Lubuto. I sit on the queen size bed and hold my belly . It is stillflat of course. I start talking to my little dot and tell him he is loved eventhough mummy and daddy just fought. It will all be well when he comes andeveryone is excited to see him. Taking my pen and paper I begin to scribble apoem for my little precious. Behind these walls, in a time when I need mymother the most and find myself alone, where I wish to speak with my family,Ifind myself alone, behind these walls of our house , it is just Lubuto and I.
We never can tellhow far your mercy goes
how we fall so manytimes
yet your mercies arenew every morning
A silent prayer fromthe lonely heart
blessed withabundance from Gods own love
Empowered by yourspirit filled with your joy
no one can take your love away
Life can beunpredictable
despite beingpredestined by you
the many times theybroke me
they gave me achance to love my own better
Until I cried to you
and stopped doingthings in my own power
you opened theheavens for me and now am filled
with overwhelminglove for him
each part of myheart waiting to hold him
I can feel my spiritready to embrace him
So close yet so far
It's not long now
I put away everylittle thing
so he can want fornothing
but he is a blessingfrom you
my El-Shaddai willbe more than enough for him
United family freefrom strongholds
free from pain andhinderance
for the head is yourown
full of life andlove
It's more than wecould have asked
Oh my God you aremerciful
How blessed are weto be your children
No one can take fromus
what God has provided
nor keep us from a destiny
that God has already laid out
Give me the courage oh Lord
to face each challenge with you
every step that I cannot understand
to bring him to you
Every temptation laid at your cross
Understanding thatsome things are out of our control
but we serve aliving God
and the power of apraying woman
will keep him safefrom harm
The paper just listens. It does not comment. It does not judge. It lets my heart bleed outthrough its ink. It listens until the fullstop.
Copyright ©Chisanshi Malama 2013.
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