Bigger than Love part 5

' Amake Jose! Amake Jose!' Ryan calls out to his maid as we reach his place. He walks to the outside tap and attempts to turn off the water which Amake Jose has has obviously failed to turn off effectively.

'Amake Jose!!!' Amake Jose comes running from the back of the house at the same time trying to tie the chitenge that is unwrapping around her waist, ready for the telling off that she is about to receive.  Ryan always gets worked up when he finds the tap dripping and with good reason too. The water bill is incredible. Amake Jose is sweet though and I don't like to see her in trouble. I shoot Malachi a look that says 'don't bollock the poor woman baby' and he softens up.

'Amake Jose,don't forget to turn off the water when you are done. It costs a lot for bills.'

' Oh. OK.' Amake Jose responds sheepishly but is grateful for my interference. She picks up her laundry basket and puts it on her head and heads back to her activities behind the house. Ryan and I go back to his room after he harasses the tenants to pay up their rent. I turn the television on and watch Rafaela being stuck as usual between several lovers competing for her love. I am inclined to think that Rafaela is really a bit of a loose woman.

'Baby, can we talk about this?' I say to Ryan. Since coming back from the hospital he has been a bit distant. It is not surprising seeing as it is not every day you wake up and find out that you are going to be a father but I am absolutely terrified of what is to come at home.

'A bit later Baby' he responds distracted. It seems as though the whole damn world can see through my body and see the little thing implanted in my stomach, or is it uterus? Worse still, I don't have my mother who I am so used to telling everything. I am waiting for her to text back after receiving my panic stricken message telling her of my plight. If I remember correctly, I sent her message saying ' I think I am pregnant and I am absolutely terrified. I don't know whether to keep it or not and what to tell dad. Please call me, I need to talk to you'. Mum was still in England following her separation from Dad. I check my phone for the hundredth time that day and decide to distract myself by writing some poetry instead because right now this Rafaela chick is doing my head in!

"

She is light on her feet

laughter so sweet

flirty little creature

full of adventure

Her soft whisper echoed across the seas

I summon you mighty bull

charge across the oceans hither

Sauntered forth to the horizon

karmically linked like the unification of two halves

flighty and breezy

her air embraced me

a goddess in every sense

the balance to my imperfection

There's a place we call home

a place where it's just you and I

where logic meets intellect

and stubbornness balanced by charm

where laughter is endless

and conflict avoided

you gentle as a breeze

but mighty as a Bull

There's a sound we love

the sound of your voice

responsible for the joy I feel

There's a place for compromise

of gentle understanding and love abundance

where we paint a picture of you and I

and refuse to ever stop dreaming

There's a room we call romance

where you love music and I love poetry

Sing to me about your dreams

your fears

your joys

and of course your love

I will write of your serenity

that brings harmony to my adventures

I will write of your protection

that makes me feel safe and composed

I will write of your laughter

which sounds like you can't be bothered but my soul hears and holds dear

I will write of the comfort you find at home

whilst i explore the outdoors for you

to bring you tales of adventures

that one day we can do together

but mostly I will write of the way you love me

There's a place we call real

which is just as pleasant as the dream

a place where me and you understand

even when the other is not saying anything

a place where you get stubborn

and I gently ease you back to the place where you see

that there are two sides to every coin

A place where there's love

nothing but love mapped out for us

A place where no other man enters

because of the BULL at my gates"

I read back what I have written to myself and realise I have written about our star signs. Ryan is a Taurus and I a Libra. The perfect combination according to astrologist. My phone vibrates and it is dad calling. Oh dear God I have a bad feeling about this.

' Hi daddy'

' Ba mayo where are you?'

'In Kabwata dad' I say as calmly as I can manage.

'Doing what?!' Dad says somewhat irritated.

'Chilling'

' Chilling? what on earth is that even supposed to mean? You better get home and get home fast' Daddy says hastily and then hangs up. That was a weird phone call because daddy hardly ever raises his voice at me. If he is mad at his little Lanie, he finds vicarious ways of telling me off and that is via my brothers.

'Ryan, I think dad knows'.

'Knows what?.' Ryan says whilst taking out the piece of paper confirming my pregnancy and carefully storing it in his stash of important documents.

' That I am pregnant' I say avoiding Ryans' gaze.

'Awwww my poor Baby. He does not know that you are pregnant he is just being protective'. Ryan walks back over to me and begins to kiss me. Is  he for real? This is exactly the mess that got us in trouble in the first place.

' I am serious. He spoke to me in a strange way. I think mum told him.'

' How would mum know?'

'I sent her text telling her'.

' Melanie!!! What the hell??? Everyone knows the parents should always be the last to know! Why would you tell her?'

'Well first of all I am not in the habit of falling pregnant nor do I know of people falling pregnant outside of marriage so pardon me but in England I tell my mum everything from who I date to when I am coming home from clubbing. Needless to say it is the lack of such stringent rules that have kept me out of trouble all these years because I do not have to sneak around like I do here in Zambia. Naturally, the first person I thought of was my mother. I just did not expect her to run off and tell dad before speaking to me' I shout. I am furious. This is not exactly listed on my every day to do list.

' Oh.. but babe. It is early days yet. You should have waited' Ryan says trying to maintain his composure. ' Ryan, do not upset me' I say flicking my Brazilian weave back ' I am with child. My phone vibrates again and it is a text from mum. A livid pious text from mum. Sigh....

Bigger than Love pt4

'Hi Baby' Ryan says with a big warm fuzzy smile on his face. He embraces me and I melt into his arms instantly, his 6ft self-towering over my minute 5ft3 body. He rests his chin on my head as he embraces me. Huh! The marketeers frown and snigger at our public display of romance. England changed me in that public displays of affection are normal for me but not for Ryan so I am very grateful for this gesture. He places a finger under my chin and raises my head. He looks at me fondly and plants a soothing kiss on my forehead. My man. My awesome guy. He can calm a storm bless him. I conjure up the little strength I have and stand up straight and break away from his embrace much to the relief of the silly market women. It has nothing to do with tradition but more of jealousy I am sure of it.

' How are you feeling?' He asks all concerned and what not. I don't respond. How am I supposed to feel? I am still not sure how I feel. ' Don't worry about it Baby. We will be fine OK. Lets get a cab and head over to UTH (University Teaching Hospital).'

'Oh come on Ryan! UTH? Really? Just to confirm that I am pregnant?' Reality now hits me as I say it aloud. I am horrified that we have to go to that...that.. awful place for such a small task.

'Babe...relax will you ah ah. We going to UTH because my friend works there and he has offered to do the test for free plus we dont have to get stuck in endless queues all day. Don't forget you have to go and sort out your NRC this afternoon. Do you want to be stuck in clinics all day?'

Great. I had forgotten about the damn NRC. It is a National registration card that you need in order to get a job and all that jazz. Sort of like an NI number in England. I have been having trouble with getting this card since I came to Zambia. To be fair I should have got it when I was 16, but I had left for England at 15. Needless to say the hungry people dealing with my case are like vultures determined to make me pay an arm and a leg for it. They look for every legal loophole  in order to make me spit out pounds that I don't even have.

Ryan flags down a cab and am grateful to get in away from the prying scornful eyes of vendors.

" You are my oxygen

  you are part of my life everyday

  The way that you love me the way that you hold me

  Kupema ni ha ha ha

  Mutima wanga ine, nzelu zanga ine

  kupema ni ha ha ha....................."

Ryan pulls me in closer as the sounds of Petersen Zagaze boom from the cab radio. He is absolutely adamant that this is our song. I am not complaining. The song has definitely grown on me. I mean which girl in her right mind would complain when a guy says you are his oxygen. Unless ofcourse it is an ex saying so but even then it would still give some satisfaction na?

The cab pulls up in front of UTH and Ryan instructs the cab driver to take us to the entrance of Unit C. Gosh the fear is setting in once again and between you and I, UTH is not well known for delivering good news i'll tell you that! At best it is the quickest mode of transport to meet your maker, something I am defintely not prepared for not to mention Jesus may not be impressed to see me arrive with a bundle unmarried.

Ryan gets out of the cab, pays and thanks the driver as he opens the door for me. Oh what? You think I am a snob? Well pardon me for wanting to be treated like a lady and my man is every bit the gentleman. He holds my hand as I step out of the cab and leads me into the hospital. The ghastly pang of medicine smells float in the air and the pan brick ambiance provides no comfort for sick. Not that they would care what colour the walls are seeing as this place is normally for those really unwell as I stated earlier but I would still like to think it makes some sort of difference to the subconscience. We walk through the big corridors and a nurse passes us wheeling a patient who is so ill they are beyond description. The patient is covered with what appears to be sores except they look burnt and she is in clear agony. We rush to the elevator only to be met with a stretcher heading to the morgue. Gosh! None of this is putting me at ease. Ryan feels my palm getting sweaty and reassures me that it will be OK.

We finally find the unit we are looking for. I am under strict instruction not to speak unless spoken to. My accent has a twang of the British accent and as such always invites people to gong'a (swindle) me. There are people everywhere. Some are sitting on the floor while others are waiting on chairs. Some are lucky enough to be standing in queue because it signals that they are very close to being seen. The vibe is that of death or lost hope. It is clear they have been waiting for eternity. At the entrance of the unit is a nurse sitting nonchalantly engrossed with whatever she is viewing on her phone. She takes a pack of gum from the drawer opens it and begins to chew noisily. She pays no attention to the questions being posed by the patients and dismisses them with vague interest. As we walk past, the patients look at me angrily I think. They are pissed that we seem to have just arrived and are already ready to be seen. Temwani, Ryans mate meets us and takes us to his lab. He saunters me to a bench outside his lab and he and Ryan proceed inside to have a chat.  Gosh! I bet they are going to be crude as to what has led us here. Ten minutes later, Temwani comes out and hands me a urine pot and instructs me to pee in it. He is absolutely lovely with caramel complexion. For a minute I think to myself that he would be a good match for ChiChi if he did not already have a girl..and a baby. Never mind. ChiChi would eat him alive and possibly discard him on the basis that he has too much baggage with or without the kid.

'You can use this toilet here and just bring me back the keys when you are done. It is not for the public so make sure you lock it after' Temwani instructs.

'Sure' I respond meekily taking the pot from him. When I done, Temwani leads Ryan and I to another lab.

'So you tested at home and it came out positive?' Temwani asks as we head down a large spiral of stairs.

'Yes'

'Hahahaha, so if it was positive at home then it will be positive here right?'

' Madam wants to have a peace of mind so we just gotta do this' responds Ryan as I shoot Temwani a look of disdain at his untimely joke.

We are again fast tracked to the front of the queue and within minutes, Temwani comes out with a paper in his hand. He hands me the paper and I first note that Ryan has not actually used my last name but put his last name there.

"Melanie Chirwa. Pregnancy test. POSITIVE". The word positive is highlighted in red and signed by the doctor. Shit. Shit. Shit!!!

Ryan looks happy. I look devasted. I think I might just faint. Damn UTH. No freaking good news.

We thank Temwani and walk out of UTH. I hear nothing of what Ryan is saying. He is muttering something about how this will all be fine and some other gibberish. He is lucky he can buy time before telling his parents but I.. I .. I feel alone. All of a sudden I am made painfully aware that I am pregnant. Not We but I am. Forget all that cute nonsense couples mutter about "we are pregnant"! no no no. From conception,to telling parents, to telling friends, to changing hormones and swollen feet and stretch marks and crying and sobbing and more crying and clothes not fitting and pushing out the baby!!!It is all the woman. The thought weakens me and i crumble and cry.

'Baby don't cry. It will be OK'

' You keep saying that Ryan! How will it be OK? My parents are going to slaughter me never mind that I am 26. I did not wish to have a baby outside marriage. I don't know what dad is going to say and Oh gosh!!! Your dad is never gonna like me now is he?' I wail. I look sadly at the paper confirming this nightmare and Ryan takes me into his arms and holds me tight.

'Trust me Baby. If you are not ready then tell me so we can end this right now. I will take you back there and you can arrange an abortion if you want but you know my wishes. I would like us to keep the little one. I had promised my father never to make his mistakes but here we are. They are going to go absolutely balistic but then they will get over it and love the baby as much as we will. '

My chimubabe. Malachi. 

Bigger than Love pt3

The good thing about being born in a century that is technologically advanced is that you don't have to wait for no telegrams to be delivered and you can avoid awkward situations.

Ryan and I have now been dating for six months in total if you count the months I was abroad. How did I fall for him? Funny story that is. We were in high school together and I had the absolute hots for him from the first day I say him. He was shy and vulnerable and sort of geekish. Hey don't judge me, I am sapio sexual. Intellect is the way forward for me. I am the type of girl who says 'whoa look at the oblangata on that one!!'. So anyway, we sat close to each other for a year and the guy never asked me out. My girl ChiChi knew all about my obsession and so when I told her that Ryan had given me a present for my birthday she was totally syked!

'This could be it! Tell me what he said, how he said and did you kiss?'

' Chichi you are always jumping the gun! Girl do you have to be so direct? He came up to me and gave me a card and plastic rose and some chocolates then he asked if he could walk me home.'

'Eeeekkk!! you dirty girl. He walked you home? What about the bouquet of roses from Michael and not to mention you already had a box of chocolates from your boo Jasper and that Brian guy who has been lurking around shifty corners waiting forever for you to yes, how did you manage to carry all that home or did you let the poor guy help you carry gifts from other guys? My God you must be the most popular 16 year old I know!' She exclaimed all in one breath. Lord knows how she does it. Chichi can talk all day and I don't even know how she gets all the drama in her head.

'What!? No we did not kiss and no I did not let him carry my gifts home. My cousin, Gideon came to pick me up' I respond defiantly. ' In fact I don't even know why I am getting all this attention, there lots of pretty girls in our year'.

' Shut up! You my best friend are one of the best looking girls in your year.'

'Well then why does he always look at her and not to mention he is always with her and runs away every time I greet him. Liana is my sworn nemesis and you totally can tell she got a thing for him under that facade of "mummy son" foolishnes. I mean literally the boy legs it when I say hey Ryan!'

' Babe that is because he is totally into you!' Chichi exclaims. I can picture her big smile right now. She was always so optimistic. Some things never change.

Anyway the whole year went by and despite countless hints that I liked him, Ryan never asked me out. I eventually moved back to England at the end of that year and left him with only an email address incase he wanted to ever contact me.

Fast forward ten years later.  I had just come from Amsterdam last year in May after ditching a guy I had been seeing for like 6months. He was the definition of wasteman. I mean the guy would appear and disappear whenever it suited him, then when he returned,he would offer some cheesy excuse for why he had not been in touch and expect us to pick up where we left off. Even though he was a saucy Zambian guy, I found him quite pompous and tedious. I guess the only thing that had really attracted me to him was that he was....yep a geek. I am not talking about ugly run for your life geek. I am talking super cute, toned and intellectual geek. The type that's nice to look at. His swag was on point, he could make jokes with the best of them and when it came to romance, the guy was a gem. However I was looking for more than he could offer. Ernest was a little too moody for my liking. His status updates on his facebook were always somber and melancholy. If he was not moaning about something, then he was sulking about another. It was exhausting!!

So you know what I had to do. Towards May I invited his sorry ass to my sister in laws birthday and the guy tried to pretend he was too traditional and had to behave himself and shit. When we arrived at the party, his ex was there. She was lovely. Tall, slender and a smile to die for. Ofcourse she was also one of my closest friends. Venetia was at the party with her fiance Charles. They had been dating for about 3 years or more at the time of the party.

'Melanie!' Venetia exclaimed taking a moment to observe me as she twirled me round. 'Girl you need to put some clothes on' she said mockingly then turned to Earnest ' How could you let her out like this?' She smiled. You will not believe that Earnest grunted and muttered something about how he never let me wear that and frankly was a bit rude. Did this man not just vote on how sexy this dress looked on me and now he wants to diss me? So yeah, I kicked him to the curb. I mean what kind of woman would I be to continue dating such an asshole right?

So end of May I ventured into the weed clouded Amsterdam to see my sister Kiambi and emerged revitalised. Earnest had tried to contact me when he noticed I was serious about the break up and tried to make amends but my ship had sailed and I am not fan of recycling. My next venture was to go back to Zambia and have some fun. I told my girls about the plan, booked my ticket and el presto!! I was ready come christmas.

Now back to finding Ryan. I am there joking with my girlfriend Melissa on twitter about finding me a beautiful chocolate man when I return so I twitted ' I need a Mosi drinking, Chikanda eating, Vinkubala frying, Michopo braaiiing beautiful Zambian chocolate man'. Instead of a tweet back from Melissa I get an anonymous tweet saying' I cook, clean and take out the trash'